Hello
I am getting myself all torn up and getting in my head.
me F (51) him M(50)
I have been married to my husband for 2 Years and together for 3.5. After we were married, he confessed that he use to be in the LS (Swinger) with an ex (for 3 years). Of course I was devastated that, he didn’t divulge this until after we were married and it took a lot of talking and sorting through emotions.
He said he didn’t tell me because he was embarrassed and wanted to leave the LS in the past. He says, the reason he got into the LS was, he wasn’t feeling valued, apricated or “wanted” by his partner and talking about the LS got her going and the attention and desires from others made him feel worth wile. We do not talk about this as he said it has destroyed a bit part of his past and he prefer not to discuss it.
Needless to say, the relationship fell apart and he didn’t enter back into the LS nor did he seek a partner that was interested or was already part of the LS (A Swinger).
I often wonder as, he is not your typical man, he doesn’t get easily turned on ( it takes some work to get him hard) and he never wants to “jump my bones”. I have talked to him about this, I stated I feel like he doesn’t desire me or that he needs “more”. He claims that is not the truth at all that he finds me sexy, desirable and loves me. He stated that if your head is not in it then sometimes things don’t work properly.
It has left me feeling confused and TBH a bit insecure . I am super sexual and a lot of the time K don’t feel like he is interested and it’s getting in my head
I guess my question is, is it possible to leave the LS behind? Is this not a desire/want that is innately in a person?
Is he like this because he has a strong desire to be in the LS (swinging again) ?
Any help is appreciated
17 comments
While you could be onto something, it is also likely there are other issues since he is 50.
* Low testosterone
* Low blood sugar
* High blood pressure
* High hemoglobin levels
Sounds like he has a low libido and you are overthinking. He doesn’t want to swing. It had nothing to do with you. It’s in the past. Get over it.
I don’t think it’s connected to the LS past. Some people just aren’t very expressive, desire included. It’s a huge hit on the self esteem, but I don’t think it’s intentional. However, intention doesn’t trump impact for me.
It sounds to me like the libido difference is causing the bulk of the issues in your mind and that you are latching onto his history with LS as a way to possibly explain it. Contrary to what society insists on thinking, even with the increasing existence of evidence disproving this, it is not all that uncommon for the man to have the lower libido in a heterosexual relationship – something like 30-40% of hetero relationship have this situation. Ask yourself – if his libido was more of a match with yours, would his history with LS matter to you? From what you write, my guess would be no, but feel free to correct me if I am wrong.
As with anything, a libido mismatch CAN be a dealbreaker if the disparity is large enough that any kind of compromise puts one or both parties far enough out of their comfort zone. However, it can also be navigated if both parties want to. In my own marriage, I (36M) am the lower libido partner and so we aim to average MORE sex than I would ideally want but LESS than my wife would want. The key is that BOTH of us are making the effort to satisfy the other as much as possible without inconveniencing ourselves too much. It sounds like your bigger source of frustration is that he never wants to “jump your bones”. That might simply be how he is – relatively low-libido. If you are happy to work out a way around this with him and he is happy to help meet your need of feeling desired, then problem solved. How my wife and I manage this is by me acting on any urges I have, whenever I have them, even if we are apart (sexting is our friend here). This means that she still gets the feeling of being desired even though she wants sex more than I do.
Check on BP meds. They do play with libido
I am a HL female who has matched well with men who have spontaneous desires. I thought my previous bf had a LL, until he explained that he doesn’t know he wants to have sex until I’m flirty, touch his leg, straddle him on the couch and kiss him. I’d send him provocative texts, even when we were in the same house. The foreplay would start when he was at work.
His sex drive was a response to what I did and he wasn’t LL at all. You may have to become the initiator in the relationship, but it’s a compromise.
He shouldn’t have hidden aspects of his past, especially if you talked about your sexual histories prior to marriage. That being said, it’s his past. Not his present and not his future. He’s a 50 year old man. It’s not surprising that he doesn’t have as high of a libido as someone younger.
If he wanted to be swinging he would be. Have honest and compassionate conversations about the mismatched libidos and how you’re feeling. Maybe he would be interested in looking at medication that could help up his libido. But unless you have reason to believe he’s lying I’d say he’s telling the truth about not wanting to get back into swinging.
You’d be surprised to know most men are NOT the “jump your bones” type. It’s a standard of perception that kinda gets hammered into men and women that men are “just like that.”
The reality is that men much like women are under constantly conflict and confusion about what they should be and expectations of their gender and the shame and fears associated with these roles and the desperate maintenance of the role you have to play in order to not be abandoned.
You should consider the societal impacts you’ve had to face as a women with a high libido. Think about the devastating desperation of women everywhere having to repress this part of themselves in order to meet with the dating and relationship expectations in our society.
Now think about a man that is also feeling those pressures, but in the other direction. The day to day emotional exhaustion of having to perform a role that isn’t you, because you love someone so much, you’re willing to push yourself to meet with that loved one’s expectation. At a certain point, the emotional exhaustion is too much. That’s where you’re husband is at right now.
You should always prioritize your feelings and look out for what it is that you need, however, don’t be so concerned over your needs and your esteem that you become blind to your husband’s feelings and assume his feelings always have to be responsive and centered around you. The reality is that A LOT of men compromise and repress their emotions to appear attractive and confident to their loved one. But we’re only human.
The unfortunate thing is that some women go their entire life not being exposed to male vulnerability, and when they do, they don’t really know what to make of it. They either make it about themselves or they blame the man for not meeting the standards and expectations set by her. The trouble with masculinity is that it is supposed to always BE, and that is unstainable and inhuman. The reality is that a lot women will never be strong enough to be the emotional rock in the same way that men are to women. Because the task is inherently going to impose a repression of one’s emotions FOR another. That being said, A lot of women do deserve more credit than they receive. A lot of women are more than strong enough.
Don’t blame yourself, don’t assume his feelings are always centered around or responding to you necessarily. Just let him breath. And if you’re courageous and strong enough, listen to him.
Men with low libido do exist, not everything is a conspiracy. Women need to be brought in the mood all the time, we want men to work for us to get us in the right mind space. Why is it hard to believe when a man is feeling the same way?
Just sit down with him and ask him how he’s feeling with only the intention to learn and understand
hes just a man with a low sex drive
LS was just a bump in the past
You posted this in the swingers sub the other day and you got the same responses.
What pray is LS ….. 
Wait, holup. You do realize that swinging isn’t actually that wild, right? That having sex around other people or with other people with minimal introduction doesn’t mean you’re no longer a human being with the ability to be monogamous, right?
I get that you clearly have rather extreme feelings against swinging but I can guarantee that they are unfounded, at least for *many* people who ever do enough to qualify as to having been “in the LifeStyle”. Any more than fooling around in college makes someone “promiscuous” or whatever you want to call it, for life.
Im 62 and had my testo levels check when I was 55 . I’ve been on trt therapy since. My libido is now that of a 40 year old and going strong, however I do take Cialis 10 mg 3 x a week to help for the hardness and it’s just right for us because sometime we’re gettin’ it on 3 days in a row but most of the time it’s 2-3 days a week. Talk to him about this.
Also when my wife went thru the change of life, it was horrible for me not getting any action so she went to a women’s clinic and her hormones were Zero. They implanted a pellet that last 90 day ( actually about 70 days) and now she’s going strong , matching my libido. 🎉🎉
Sounds like he is just lower libido than you and you are trying to find a reason for it. The reason could be anything including that his drive is just not high.
Don’t worry about his past. Figure out if you can be happy with him as he is. If you can, then be happy with him how he is…
My wife and I are young and in the lifestyle. We have a couple a few years older than us that we spend a lot of time with. Both my wife the other female are objectively beautiful women. Walking into places they turn heads separately, but even more so when we’re all together. All that said, I’m insanely attracted to both of them, but I’ve had occasional libido and erection problems with each of them. None of which had to do with the LS or preferences, but everything to do with my mental state at the time.
I would guess that the *reason* his wife led the charge to do some swinging is because he had a lower libido than her.
I think you need to take him at his word that it’s not about being attracted to you. He’s a man in his 50’s things are not going to be like they were when you were dating men in their 20’s or 30’s.
Maybe have a read about responsive desire and see if you can get some pointers on how to get him going that way.