My GF and I were friends for over 5 years and started dating about 6 months ago. She has really only been with one person (her long-term partner now ex), whereas I’ve had multiple serious relationships as well as casual sexual partners.
Recently there have been a numerous events where her insecurities act up and send her into anxious and depressive spirals when she realizes I can feel attracted to other women purely based on physical traits. During the most recent one, she literally stood up and left from a friendly gathering without saying goodbye, and she refused to talk about it for two days (I still don’t understand exactly what triggered it).
Last night she told me that our relationship probably wouldn’t last because I have a physical “type”, which does not align to the way she sees herself, and that we are incompatible in the way we feel attracted to people.
She told me that she has seen that I follow IG pages with women who have a very different body types as her (which she finds “disgusting” and makes her feel undesirable and insecure) and that she can’t bare the fact that I can feel attracted to women purely physical-based, while she can only feel attracted to people if she is also attracted to their personality. In her words this means that we don’t love in the same way and that I will never love her in the same way that she loves me.
During this exchange she also basically shamed me not only about “lurking” watching other women on the internet who I “don’t even know”, but also about the casual sexual relationships I’ve had in my past, which she says she could never do unless she knew the person first.
I’ve told her multiple times that the attraction she is talking about is probably the most baseline and carnal attraction one can have (one which seems pretty normal to me) and that it is completely compatible while also insignificant versus the attraction I feel for her and, in general, the attraction I have for my serious SO which, furthermore their physical traits, is due to my attraction to their personality.
She says that otherwise I’m a really good boyfriend, that she is deeply in love with me, and doesn’t really want to end the relationship but that the above means that we probably won’t last because she wants a partner who only feels attraction the way she does.
Even so, this has made me question and shame myself deeply. Is there a problem with me? Am I “disgusting” and “vulgar” for being okay about my purely physical sexual attraction? Is this just insecurities and lack of dating and sexual experience talking? While anyone can establish the deal breakers they want, is this a reasonable thing to want to end an otherwise healthy relationship?
TL;DR: My GF says that we are fundamentally incompatible because I can feel sexually attracted to women purely based on their physical traits, even without knowing them (which makes her feel insecure and jealous), while she can only feel sexual attraction if she knows them and is also attracted to their personality (which I guess she believes is a superior form of attraction and makes her love for me stronger than mine).
Edit: I should just clear up that I am NOT flirting with any of these women or consider any of that “content” more important than my relationship with her and I am very willing to work this out if she is too.
30 comments
Unless you’re actively pursuing these people while in the relationship then no, you’re doing nothing wrong
Her giving you an ultimatum based on her insecurities is a huge red flag. I think she’s trying to manipulate you to get what she wants. You’re allowed to find other people attractive for any reason you so choose. Her insecurities are her own and her mentally assigning you as having a type is very much a major flag.
If this relationship is going to last she needs to mature and accept there are literally billions of other women out there to find attractive.
Her getting up and leaving because she thinks you find someone at a party is attractive is her displaying how little trust she has. It’s something I would expect from middle schoolers not someone her age.
This is on her and maybe worth salvaging but she’s very immature and insecure.
You’re absolutely not “disgusting” for being physically attracted to women you don’t know as long as you’re not acting on it while in a relationship. That’s a completely normal thing for most people, men and women both. You definitely shouldn’t feel ashamed.
That said, it sounds like she’s pretty hung up on this and it might be hard to make things work in the long run if she can’t work through it. It’s definitely not something I’d end a relationship over if I were her, especially if everything else is fine.
She shouldn’t be shaming you and trying to make you feel bad though, that’s not healthy.
This is a her problem.
Some people need an emotional connection to feel attraction. Others can be attracted purely on physical aspects.
Sorry, there are plenty of women into Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, Benedict Howevrthehellyouspellhisname, and many other Hollywood stars who are attracted based on nothing but physicality.
She is incredibly insecure and unrealistic, thinking that just because you are in a relationship, you have lost the ability to discern other women as attractive. That’s simply not based in reality.
She needs therapy here, if you ask me.
To be honest…. It sounds like she’s right. You two are likely incompatible. I happen to think her views will make her incompatible with almost everyone…. But regardless of that, I find it hard to see how you’ll make it work. There’s nothing wrong with you or how you find others attractive. I won’t say there’s something wrong with her…. But your viewpoints on the world seem pretty incompatible.
If you’re only 6 months into the relationship and her insecurities are playing this big a part, I think it’s time to cut your losses. Neither of you are wrong for how you feel attracted to other people, but she is wrong for shaming you and making you feel that your way is inferior to hers. Lots (maybe most?) can find people attractive based solely on physical appearance.
But unless she acknowledges and does work to get over her insecurities they’re always going to be a problem in the relationship, as well as your sexual history (not saying your history is a problem, just that with her view it is likely to cause problems)
The way you feel love is fine. There are many people that feel attraction the way you do, and many people that feel it the way she does. Many of them get along with each other just fine.
The problem is that she has declared that she only wants a partner who feels attraction the same way as her. That’s her preference. That’s fine. But it does end your relationship.
There’s isn’t necessarily any harm in staying in a relationship that you know won’t last forever. If you are both happy and enjoying your time together, fine, have fun. But she has very clearly stated that she does not want to stay with you forever. When someone says something like this, you should BELIEVE THEM. If you are only interested in staying in relationships that have the potential to last forever, then you should leave.
You both are clear about what you want and like. It’s pretty obvious it isn’t each other.
You have done nothing wrong. Her insecurities are hurting your relationship. Don’t change who your are.
You two are just incompatible and view sex/relationships differently. I would recommend you stop following insta-thots though. Most women aren’t going to like that. If you absolutely have to get a finsta to follow that kind of stuff.
She is demi, you are not. It is not a dealbreaker (im demi myself and had been in the other end) but maybe she needs a little more experience to feel safe and understand the “otherness”… dont know if you can do anything to salvage this relationship, it is her voyage
Hm… I’m guessing she spends a lot of her time thinking about you. And when she sees like these insta models or whatever she’s probably like “why the fuck am I spending all this time thinking about him when this is what he’s thinking about in his spare time?” It’s probably makes her feel dumb, embarrassed, and unappreciated. And naturally jealous. It just sets up a system where she feels like she has to compete for your attention with people you don’t even know. Idk I can understand how she would get stuck in an insecurity loop from that. I think this is salvageable if you put in some work to make her realize how much you value her and have a conversation about it. You both need to feel comfortable in the relationship and it’s clear she doesn’t feel confident about your feelings towards her right now.
Idk it kind of amazes me how many lines in music or books or whatever are guys saying “I only have eyes for you” and then guys in real life are surprised when their girlfriends don’t want them to have eyes for other women lol.
personally, the only problem i see is the fact that ur following half naked women online. it’s disrespectful to do so in a relationship (everyone boundaries are different) i suggest if u can’t unfollow them then just break up w her cause then she’ll always have this problem. i’ve dealt w guys like that before and it’s a terrible feeling. otherwise some of these issues are purely just a her thing that she needs to work on herself
How did this become an issue during a friendly gathering? Like do you make it obvious you are attracted to other women right in front of her? Is it a “I’m not flirting but she thinks I am”? What triggers these episodes?
How much time do you spend ogling other girls on IG? That’s probably a big turnoff for any woman.
To give you a different POV, I understand her side completely. You’re looking at other women sexually, of course that’s going to make her uncomfortable and insecure, don’t be daft. Following a bunch of women you’re “carnally” attracted to is disrespectful to her.
Have you lied to her about being attractive to other women? I was in a similar situation as her because *I* was being gaslit and kept in a bubble. I was told “no, I don’t find them attractive” or “no, I don’t watch porn” (which I saw in a comment you did/do and got embarrassed over it). I absolutely hated being in the bubble, made me doubt myself. Honesty was ALL I asked for; so are you being/have been honest with her of your feelings/attraction towards women?
I feel like she is almost more upset at understanding herself than you. 6 months in is also really early to be madly in love but at the same time if you have a solid history I can understand that more
The only thing I can say is the only part of this that could possibly be your fault is if you are actively checking out other women right in front of her. Making comments, staring too long, liking half naked pics where she can see it, etc. Because you’re not gross for finding women physically attractive but when you’re with someone who holds intimacy and physical attraction at such a high standard it’s hurtful and disrespectful to show off physical attraction so blatantly. Not because there’s something wrong with you but because you’re in a relationship and a certain amount of respect and care to their boundaries are necessary for it to be a successful relationship. And if you don’t want to change anything then she is right and you’re simply not compatible and that is okay. On the other side if you’re already respectful to her and not blatantly ogling women in front of her then there is nothing to do. She’s simply insecure and that is only something she can fix. You can try talking about it but 🤷
I’m a woman.
When I see my friends husbands liking random women in IG in thongs/Swimwear/leggings that I happen to come across (because IG knows I’m a woman so they always trying to sell me anything of course) and I find it cringe lol I get it it’s not a big deal but that’s exactly why it’s like can’t you “look” why the like so the whole world can see you’re staring at chicks 🤷🏻♀️
My husband is on IG I know he sees shit yet I’ve never seen a random like on a woman’s post. Ever. If it not someone he actually knows or a friend etc. nada. I am never running across a “challenge” that is sexy and a like etc-
I feel like it’s not a huge deal to keep that shit tight.
There’s nothing wrong with her feeling insecure.
There’s something majorly wrong with projecting it onto the other person, to the point that they’re asking the internet if “there’s something wrong with them”.
Very different story if she said, “Hey, when you do _____, it makes me feel insecure. Do we have any room to work on that?” Instead, she’s gaslighting you, and making her feelings, your fault.
Run.
I am usually a very secure person, but I remember one relationship where I was super insecure and in hindsight I was right to be because he wasn’t that into me and I was picking up on that.
There isn’t enough here to know if she’s generally crazy or if you’re making her crazy, but she’s right, you’re incompatible and it’s not likely to work out, especially if you have no idea what is causing her to spiral. Can’t really avoid doing something if you don’t even know what it is.
But no, I don’t think you’re some sicko pervert, but there is a chance she’s picking up on something you’re putting out there. Maybe she isn’t your physical ideal. If you lined up her with all your exes would the song “one of these things is not like the others” start playing?
Honestly, I think we need to address the overall issue dividing it, in my view, into three basic categories:
1. How you experience sexual attraction and act upon it.
2. How you experience romantic attraction and act upon it.
3. How you deal with relationships where the other person has fundamental different views which determine their experience with sexual and romantic attraction.
ONE: we don’t really have much say over how we experience sexual attraction, it’s just good old ‘it is what it is’. This experience is ever changing and very dynamic but its fundamentals don’t change. In my personal experience I do side —as to how I experience SA— with your GF. I do need to engage people before I find them attractive. This does not mean that there are no guys out there that are objectively beautiful, but in most cases attraction will arise after a somewhat amusing interaction. Stating this, I revert to my starting point: how we experience sexual attraction is not static or reticent to change. I would dare to say that, by its nature, the way your GF experiences sexual attraction cannot be deemed in any way a firm stance and free from the vicissitudes of change. Hence I’m inclined to think that this is a case of personal insecurity projection.
TWO: Same take as before, important to note that how we experience sexual and romantic attraction are not always in line. Not because you feel instant sexual attraction towards someone, that necessarily translates into romantic attraction (not necessarily, still a possibility). This understanding could open great conversations.
THREE: On this point I think that as humans we need to understand that the odds of getting into a relationship with someone that experiences sexual and romantic attraction in the same way are very low. And if we do, these experiences are subject to changes, being that our ventures through life shape us and reshape us. So it’s best if we just understand that and build from there.
I think that you guys have the great opportunity to open channels that will help you understand each other’s views and needs on this.
If she’s willing to understand that sexual and romantic attraction are ≠, and that in your own way your sexual attraction did translate into a romantic one, then there is hope to start from there.
It’s a narrow and tough road, but trust could stem from sincere and deep conversations on this.
Now if she’s not willing to have those conversations, with the main goal of understanding each other and learning to trust on one another and your integrity, then Im sorry to say that it could mean an end road for you both.
Summing up, her views and experiences are in no way better, more correct or valid than yours, but through hard work one can learn to see the meaning behind how each of you express each kind of attraction and therefore languages.
There are so many men in this world that won’t consider a relationship with a woman with a “high body count,” but your girlfriend feeling this way confuses you? I’m sorry if I seem judgmental, but everyone has preferences about the way their partner expresses or has expressed their sexuality, and this is just one of those things.
She has every right to see you as disgusting or shallow. That’s her moral, ethical, and social judgement. It’s an opinion, it can’t be right or wrong.
You have every right to have sex with people casually and follow girls on ig that you think are hot. That’s you using your moral, ethical, and social judgement as to what is okay/not okay for you to do.
Unless you two can change 20-something years of social molding and conditioning, then honestly idk just say you two are incompatible.
>During the most recent one, she literally stood up and left from a friendly gathering without saying goodbye, and she refused to talk about it for two days (I still don’t understand exactly what triggered it).
info: what exactly was the situation? how did she know you were attracted to someone else?
I think she isn’t communicating this in the way it should be said, this seems more like a “I have these boundaries but i don’t know how to express them” thing.
She doesn’t want you to follow those women on instagram, she doesn’t like that you watch porn, and honestly i think it’s normal to feel this way. who wants their partner to look at other naked people to jerk off to? It’s a boundary of hers, and if it’s not something you want to follow, you will need to split up.
She’s insecure, and as i read from another comment you admit you’ve gaslit her about these things before. That’s a sign that maybe you guys shouldn’t be in this relationship, i know someone who went through something eerily similar and it damaged their relationship a lot. I hope you figure it out
I think there is a problem in communicating what attraction means to you. I have felt very similar to your girlfriend. Of course I can tell whether a person is objectively attractive or even good looking subjectively, HOWEVER looks alone do not spark desire in me. And the way you describe the different situations, like looking at Instagram profiles would make me feel like you find them desirable based on their looks and that again would make me feel like it’s a competition which is very, very uncomfortable and not healthy in any relationship. So maybe it’s about communication, maybe you do find them desirable and that may be a boundary your gf doesn’t want to cross.
I (F) believe that you can have different way of becoming attracted. It can start from purely physical, it can also grow while getting to know someone.
There are a two points:
1. Insecurity in your GF of your past. She need to work on herself and you can support in reasurring her that she is the one and the others are in the past.
2. Objectification of women, if constantly looking at women in different media who are exposing themselves in a sexualized manner you are enforcing a habit in doing so. It is one thing that you can be attracted purely bases on physical traits which is fine. It is another thing if you feel a need to continue looking at women in media or IRL. That is actually a choice to make, to choose your GF only or if you need more women in your life.
This was a really wordy way of saying ‘I like to follow half-dressed women online and my girlfriend was upset about it’.
Anyway, people tend to think one way or the other on this subject; some people are fine with their partners following ‘insta models’ and stuff, some aren’t. You are, your girlfriend isn’t. Neither is wrong as such, it’s personal preferences. It’s just whether the two of you can work that out, and if compromises can be made.
OP I’m sorry bro. This sub is after you hard rn. You can’t come in here and say you look at hot people on the internet (god forbid) or have looked at porn (ever) or you are gonna get skewered. From my perspective your gf is allowing her insecurities to overtake her big time. Nothing is wrong with what you’ve done. She is allowed to want a partner who doesn’t watch porn or doesn’t follow IG models, but it also doesn’t mean you doing that is wrong to begin with. As far as her wanting someone who “loves the same way”… I mean she is entitled to wanting that, but it seems like a weird reason to end things. It sounds to me like that’s her insecurity speaking and she’s self sabotaging. Maybe something relating to her last relationship is influencing this? Honestly it seems complex, and the only solution may lie in coaching or therapy, but at only 6 months in I would say it’s your call whether that’s worth the investment. If you want to compromise by not watching porn or looking at babes online, that’s your call and totally fine. But the fact she’s shaming your sexual interests in general is, for me, a hard stop and absolutely not ok. Don’t compromise on *who you are*. It’s *ok to be highly sexual and nothing is wrong with you*.
EDIT: I’ll add this too. My long term ex and I used to share these photos. It was fun! When I started dating my now wife (who is like your gf, only attracted by personality) she told me sharing them made her feel insecure. However she didn’t make it my fault. She just asked me to share that stuff less frequently and that she had no problem with me looking at what I like. She never shamed me or told me I was gross for being different.
Huge red flags on her part. And anyone seriously thinking OP following attractive women on social media is a problem needs to address their own insecurities as well. Telling someone who they can or can’t follow on social media is *insane.*
Some deeply insecure people in this thread that need to admit they need help.