I will preface this by saying the following:
I was diagnosed with stress and depression due to work related issues in January (think 70 hours a week, stressful job role and work life in general. Currently on medication for depression, which is helping). I am also on the bipolar spectrum, and receiving help.
So, up until the 3 year mark, back in November everything seemed to be going fine, we’d never argued, and I mean ever, everything seemed perfect. She lost 2 people very close to her (one of which was her boss, from cancer, the other her grandfather who passed after a fall at home).
I’ve never really had a high sex drive, and this hasn’t been as much of an issue, although she has mentioned a few times that i should try more. We’d be intimate 2-3 times a week, but it didn’t seem bad. I should add, before we got together I’d been single for over 10 years, and she’d been single for at least 4 or 5. Our views on life matched, interests etc
January rolls around, and I’m signed off work for 3 weeks with the above mentioned stress and depression from work. She had mentioned that she wasn’t as happy as she normally was. I tried to rectify this whilst also working through my own issues.
Throughout our relationship, I’ve always earnt more money, and had no issues paying for anything she needed (fuel, cigarettes, anything), and still happy to do so.
However. The last month or so, possibly longer, things haven’t been the same at all. Not bad, just different. I know she’s been helping one of her male friends with depression, no issue with me, I’m not the jealous type. She’s been going on walks with him and just generally being there for him.
We went away for a weekend break last week. Throughout the break, she was distant, barely showed me any affection, there was no intimacy at all. We got home Monday, and she sent me message (I was outside smoking a cigarette, she was upstairs in our bedroom), basically saying she wants a break, and that she feels the relationship has fizzled out, amongst other things (I’m happy to add the message here for added clarification).
The last few days I’ve been sleeping I the spare room, which is fine. There has been zero communication between us at all, either face to face or via message, and we message all the time, everyday. Alarm bells have been ringing and I suspect she may be seeing someone else.
What do I do? I feel like a stranger in my own home. Are we over? Her family are furious with for treating me this way, and believe I’m the best thing that’s happened to her in a long time.
TL:DR: Relationship of 4 years on break, unsure of what to do and need advice.
Message for clarification:
“We need to talk, I think we need a break from the relationship. I’m just not my normal happy self at the moment, and I feel like the relationship has fizzled out. I’m too nervous about saying it to your face, as I don’t want to hurt you.
I just think a break would do us both some good so we can find ourselves again. I’m sorry to do it over message, but I didn’t know how to say it to your face without both of us getting too upset. But I feel its the right thing to do right now xxxxxx”
Edit: added message from her.
13 comments
She’s obviously banging the depression guy, my dude. That’s why nobody should “go on breaks”. Breaks don’t work. They don’t repair relationships. They are just an excuse for the person who has a crush to sleep with their crush object without feeling guilt and then keeping their relationship partner on a hook in the meantime.
You should break up entirely and ask her to move out. She has already moved on emotionally.
Honestly, if it was me I would take the time to evaluate the relationship and think about what you want to talk to her about. Maybe see how you feel about the idea of dating or having new experiences, etc. You may want to discuss explicitly with her what being “on a break” means – like what the boundaries are, etc.
Be as honest with yourself as you can be and think about what you want to talk about her with when you do talk. If it’s not working for one of you, it’s not working. And I think you should find out how you want to proceed and not just automatically cling to what is familiar. You’ll either know what you want to fight for and why or maybe you’ll decide that you’re ready to move on. Grieve, absolutely, but try and make an active choice.
(edit: For example, you say you’re the best thing that’s happened to her, but is she the best thing that’s happened to you?)
Last time my then partner started hanging out with another dudeski and drifted, we broke up for good, and I slept in the living room for 2 months until we all went our separate ways. It might be time to go your separate way.
It kind of sounds like she’s trying to let you down gently. The break will result in her saying it’s time for you both to move on.
Most likely she fallen deep for this other guy. And this break is going to be spent close to him. She’s checked out.
Since you’re not married, separating is less complicated though pain doesn’t discriminate.
I’d focus on logistics and mental clarity about your individual needs and allow a grieving process to unfold.
She sounds very considerate of your feelings. I imagine when she gently mentioned to you that you should try to have sex more, it meant your low sex drive was a problem for her.
You don’t mention whether you actually “tried more” after she voiced her concern, so I assume you didn’t. It sounds like your low sex drive pushed her away and possibly towards another person. It can be pretty soul crushing to be with someone with a low sex drive. Also when complaints are ignored, it is easy to lose interest or get resentful
>Are we over?
Sounds like it.
>
What do I do?
Figure out ur next steps without her
Kick her out, she’s probably sleeping with the other dude already. I dont think you mentioned it, but I’ll ask, did she help you with the depression/anxiety issues? I hope she did, if not, it’s even more imperative that you kick her to curb.
Let her search for a new sugar daddy or whatever to pay her bills. Work on yourself bro, improve your mental and physical health and live your life to it’s fullest; your life is far too short and important to be wasted on this woman
This might be the time to turn it around, provided you want to.
If she’s been feeling like things are in a predictable rut, sometimes hanging out with someone else can spark that thought of “oh, hey…yeah, interaction with someone can be like this!”
It’s impossible for us to say if she’s interested in this friend, but even if she’s not, perhaps spending time with him has made her consider things about your dynamic that aren’t working for her. Perhaps she wants more connection. More talking. Again — impossible to say, you’d need to have a real chat to her about what the both of you want out of this break and what you want to focus on improving.
She’s mentioned she isn’t happy with the level of physical intimacy previously. That isn’t anything to sneeze at; whilst you’re not a sex doll and definitely shouldn’t be having sex if you don’t want to, a lack of physical intimacy can be where relationships wither and die if you aren’t on the same page about it.
She has also mentioned that she isn’t as happy — and that could be with herself, or with you, it could be the contagious mood (whilst your depression isn’t about her, it can also be hard living with someone who is down constantly.)
I guess my point is — don’t instantly jump to infidelity here. Talk to her, but really have a think how you want this to proceed before you do, as I’m sure there are things in this scenario that you want to improve also (it sounds like money might be a point of contention for you from the comments).
Sounds to me like thus friend shes been “helping” got into her head and shes getting feelings for him
Given your issues I can see why she did that. I think she has had enough. It’s definitely a permanent break. Looks like she already has another guy lined up
Jaded Reddit logic says “Let’s take a break” is usually translated “There’s someone else I want to f**k but I don’t want to cheat. If they don’t work out I’ll come back, okay?”
You should ask her if there is someone else. If there is, then you obviously don’t want to stand in her way and you should get right to the details of who is moving out & when.
If there isn’t anyone else, the question becomes “Is this relationship worth fighting for?” Do you want to fight for it? Maybe she’s waiting for you to say how much she means to you and you’re not giving up on the two of you.
If the relationship isn’t worth fighting for; well, there you go.
Either way, she messaged you saying “We need to talk” so the ball’s in your court. She’s waiting for you to initiate the face-to-face conversation. So talk to her. 4 years is worth that courtesy
Good luck
You’ve been overworked. That can affect your libido and make you depressed. As can the winter months. As can antidepressants. If she isn’t willing to see you through this difficult time, she won’t make a supportive wife. It seems like these walks she’s going on with her friend are the basis for a possible affair. Why isn’t she going on walks with you when you have depression, as well?
My advice… Take some vitamin D under a doctor’s supervision. Look for any other deficiencies in your blood work. This can make a world of difference with mood and energy levels. Your environment is draining you. And get a new girlfriend.