I was here a couple of weeks ago
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11eda41/my_41f_husband_35m_is_angry_that_my_brother_35m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
After my Husband’s initial reaction of shock and disgust, he was angry with me for a some days but then a week ago he wanted to talk and he broke down, apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Frankly I didn’t want to talk to him at all because I didn’t know if I wanted to hear him explain how he got to this horrid conclusion but I pulled myself together and asked him anyway. He had no answer more than that he was jealous. I tried to understand if it went deeper, if he had some unprocessed trauma, ANYTHING but no (or he didn’t want to tell me). He just felt a great amount of jealousy that he couldn’t control and it got the better of him and he lashed out, but now he has come to his senses and was ashamed of what he did.
I asked him to apologize to my brother and family and he did. Profusely. They accepted his apology and now everything is expected to go back to normal but I can’t. I haven’t gotten over what happened and I don’t think I will. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t see how we can move forward when I can’t even be in the same room as him without feeling sick to my stomach. I don’t know if this feeling will go away. I have my son to think about, what a selfish mom I’m not considering him and his well-being. This is my update and thank you for caring to ask about one.
10 comments
Give it a couple of months people get mad and they get over it. When you live a lifetime with somebody you’re going to make drastic choices. Sometimes they don’t come out well. If you feel this way in six months or a year divorce him. He was a horrible jerk by the way. But you’re gonna do horrible jerky things at some point too and hope you are forgiven. People are really quick to discard marriages. And people on Reddit are usually single or not married or young so they don’t have the experiences. It is why I said give it a year and if you still can’t get beyond it, then it may be time to do something else about it. I would start with counseling though, not automatically divorce.
>what a selfish mom I’m not considering him and his well-being.
You’re not a selfish if you leave your husband. If he can get that angry, for no reason, for an idea he came up with that makes no sense, for assuming something you only see in TV shows or “true stories” on Reddit, then leaving him would be protecting your child. Do you want your son to be raised in house where his mom is disgusted with his dad, where his dad gets angry for no reason, where his dad can accuse someone he loves of terrible things with no evidence? That’s not healthy for a child.
I’d tell your husband he needs to get therapy/anger management because of this
You need to take him to therapy asap. This guy has issues. Other things are going to come up unless you get to the root of these issues. Marriage counselling or even just personal counselling for him. His reaction was insane.
This would make me leave someone.
If you want to work on your marriage, then *he* has to be the one to put in the work. And it doesn’t matter if he’s not comfortable with it, or whatever. How does he think he made you feel? And your family feel? And this was your brother. Like, the least likely person in the world that you would have any inappropriate relationship with. What about any other men in your life that aren’t even related to you?
He has to put in the work – to YOUR comfort and security. If you feel therapy is one of the steps, then that’s one of the steps. Whatever else you feel he needs to do to work on this and overcome it – name it and if he wants to save the marriage, then that’s what has to be done.
But, if you don’t think the marriage can be saved, then do not feel one bit bad about walking away.
You both should talk to a professional. These feelings are intense and without a resolution for you both, it’s going to happen again in a different way. Good luck and don’t divorce over this. This is where you build stronger ties and lift each other up!
There’s some things that get bent, that you can’t unbend. Don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself by whatever means may be nessecary.
You clearly are considering your son’s feelings in this, so for you to say you’re being a selfish mom for not considering him is utterly wrong. Your husband’s reaction was beyond disgusting. He indirectly accused you of incest. That is not ok- in any way, shape, or form.
If you decide to end the marriage it is because of your husband, not you. There would have been no opportunity for a partner of mine to take their time to apologize for such an accusation, I would have contacted my lawyer immediately. Good luck, this is a real doozy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I mean….huge red flag right? The fact the he thinks if siblings share a bed…they must have had sex? Has he slept with a family member or something? No normal person would think anything of this. Your fucking brother? If my SOs sibling slept over I wouldn’t even ask her where they slept…who the fuck cares? If she wants to fuck her sibling she doesn’t need me to go out of town to do so…also ew what the fuck? Also ..he thinks you would fuck your brother? That’s even more fucked up…he thinks so little of you that you would do that?
OP, your husband accused you of a despicable thing. Not only infidelity but also incest. He does not trust you with your own brother, which is disgusting and disturbing. His insecurities run so deep that he thinks you will have sex with literally anyone. He destroyed your love for him in one accusation, and it’s a very long road to get back to any semblance of a loving relationship. If you think your family is all forgiving after this, then think again. Your family is probably deeply concerned about you and your sons wellbeing. I know I would be. You are not selfish for wanting to leave him. Please don’t martyr yourself for an unworthy cause. Your sons happy home is more important than mom and dad staying married. If you want to try, then therapy for your husband is the only way to possibly fix this. He doesn’t get to just apologize and then forget this ever happened. Without truly exploring this insecurity, it will come up again. And again. And again. Someone who would accuse their spouse of having sex with their own brother has deep issues that will not just go away on their own. But please remember you do not owe him the chance to fix his issues. You do not owe him the work it would take for you not to feel disgusted every time you lay eyes on him. You owe it to yourself and your son to be happy and provide a loving home. Right now, your husband does not qualify to be a member of that home.
Simple, just tell him to stop watching incest porn! Problem solved!