Does anybody else wonder how they would handle suddenly being single?
I’ve been married close to 20 years 49M, but only dated my wife 47F for a few months before getting engaged, we married less than two years later, and had a baby before our first anniversary. We moved really fast. She was the main driver of that for sure. I remember sitting in her car, a few months before I proposed, and her saying she wanted to get married. I didn’t oppose.
She was the first and only woman I seriously dated and I was close to 30 when we meet. She had a few low quality boyfriends before me. We both lived at our childhood homes before marriage and I actually had more experience living on my own because I did it in college and she commuted and lived at home. We’ve been through a lot in our marriage and overall we have a good relationship, but it’s definitely not perfect and issues do exist.
There are times that I wish I’d dated when I was in college and just after graduation lots of false starts with women but no success or real dating.
At the time we meet (off a dating site) I also “matched” with another woman, but I asked my wife out first and the rest was history. Part of me wishes I’d asked that other lady out, but at the same time I can’t imagine my life going in a different direction. Not being married to my wife, my kids not existing, and not living my current life.
Yet I think about my past crushes and false starts a lot. Women who likely haven’t thought about me in over 20 years, if they ever did at all. I’m haunted by my memories/fantasies of what could have been. The hard truth is nothing would have been different because the 16, 18, 21, and 25 year old me was totally inept with women. Cringy bad looking back on it. I wonder if any women thought I was interesting, or handsome, or worth their time at all. Was I anybody’s crush? I have no idea but I don’t think I ever was someone’s crush. I don’t think any girl ever hopped I’d talk to her.
Recently several couples we know have have gotten divorced and we’ve been dealing with our own issues. We’re not close to divorce, but seeing those other couples, especially the guys, deal with the aftermath of divorce I’ve wondered how I would deal with it. My wife makes over 30,000 more than me and I don’t think I could ever afford my own house or even an apartment in my area alone. I wonder too what it would be like to date. Could I even be in another relationship or am I still the guy with no game?
Does anybody else have a lot of what ifs? Maybe it’s just me.
6 comments
Everyday. 47. It’s our age. We change as we get older and what we want changes.
Just what every spouse dreams of, staying with them because you can’t afford to live on your own. Dreamy.
I Get it, but indulging in what ifs and fantasy only increases restlessness. Focusing on your integrity and the other person you made vows to does the opposite. You have the choice in what you dwell on.
I guess I feel like the grass isn’t always greener. You fantasize about what could be but it could be a lot worse. That other person you missed out on dating could have been a horrible person. You’ll never know. I am also in my 40s and a lot of my friends are divorced. They are not enjoying the dating life. I don’t think they regret getting divorced but I would not to be on their current dating situation. Fantasies are fantasies for a reason, they don’t exist in real life.
How about putting the effort and energy you are putting into “what could have been” into spicing up your marriage? Maybe your wife is all bored AF. Couples either grow together or grow apart but just because you’ve been growing apart or have issues doesn’t mean you can’t reignite/ respark the relationship as the people you both are now. Maybe she is also wishing / dreaming of something different. You might both be holding onto the hold habits and patterns that brought you together BUT that doesn’t mean you can’t forge forward as a new couple.
I think it’s completely normal to have all of the thoughts and questions that you do. And honestly even those of us who dated a lot and had tons of fun before marriage, get to a certain age ( mid to late 40s) where we question everything. It’s just thoughts. You chose the path you were meant to take and you can’t go back and redo anything. What you should focus on instead is the present and what you want your future to look like!
Go ahead and enjoy daydreaming about what could have been if you responded to the other woman instead. Day dreams are fun and harmless! Just don’t let it consume you.
At the end of the day, this is your life and your future!