A little backstory:
We (F22 and M22) have been together for two years, we are each others first serious relationship, living together and first sexual relationship. Our relationship has been extremely great and we are so much alike. The only problem we’ve ever had was his porn addiction which caused a lack of sex a year ago, but it’s been dealt with. He is trying to recover from it and he hasn’t been watching porn for a very long time. He gave me an access to all of his devices (even the incognito) and asked me to check it from time to time so that he has a better motivation to not watch it, so I’m sure his not. We had some issues before mainly because as an addict, of course, he lied to me A LOT and destroyed my trust completely. But we have been trying to rebuild our relationship and lately it hasn’t been bad.
For the record, our sex was great, I always made sure to fulfil his fantasies, I’m also his type, tall, skinny, pretty face, big b**bies and a*s. Since he started to work on his addiction he always said that our sex is a dream come true, had a very high libido, came in seconds, and wanted to have sex every day, which we did.
Until a few days ago:
I asked him if he wanted to have sex and he immediately said “NO”. (never happened unless he watched porn, but this time he didn’t). He kept on saying no for the next few days, which I didn’t think of much. A few days later, while looking at his devices I found a google search that said “I really love my gf but I want to have sex with other women”. I politely confronted him about it and even said what I’ve been saying our entire relationship, that if he wants he can go and have sex with someone else, since we are each others firsts, I understand that the need to experiment might appear in him or in me and I don’t want it to destroy our relationship, so I might allow it.
He said he doesn’t feel like this google search and he just wanted to see what others people experience is like (yeah, sure) and said that he doesn’t know the reason why he’s not craving sex, even though he’s horny, then said that he might know the reason but he doesn’t want to talk about it. I went a little over the line and I really pushed and asked for him to tell me, I promised that whatever it is I’m not going to get mad/sad and that communication is extremely important, him not saying anything will for sure not solve the issue. I cried out of frustration, but he didn’t tell me, so I dropped it and didn’t talk about it since.
Still no sex even though everything else is pretty normal. He is showing less affection, but not none. We are spending time together and it’s still okay and fun.
Can someone tell me wtf is happening? He’s not watching porn, not cheating on me. I’m sure as I work from home and he doesn’t work at all so we spend every minute together. I know he’s been jerking off but that didn’t ever get in the way of having sex.
I hate lack of communication, I honestly can’t stand it and I think it’s stupid AF, so it’s kinda driving me crazy and he knows about it.
And if you’re reading this BF, please don’t get mad, I don’t want to talk bad about you, I just have no idea what happened and I’m curious what other people might think about it.
TLDR; My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me and it appears he wants to have sex with other women, but when I suggested that maybe he actually could do it, he refused. I don’t know what is going on.
4 comments
I think you need to have another honest conversation with him about how this lack of sex is making you feel.
how can you be sure he is not cheating? maybe he has some sorte of resentment towards you. Sexual relationships do not end with just sex. maybe he is not happy with other things, hut he is not telling you – chores, or work and life balance, income. there may be many things, that makes him not wanting sexual relationships. maybe he has changed his sexual appetite and can not tell you, because feels ashamed or that you may not agree.
comunication is always the key. if there is no comunication there will be no solution to your problem..
He’s slowly checking out, gaining some distance, because the call of the wild and the grass is always greener is in his head
That’s what often happens to first’s, they get a thank you and goodbye.
He’ll be scared to lose you, whether it can overcome the siren song of “other girls/different” is unknown.
Whether you want him to stay just because he is afraid to leave is your call.b
Maybe it will resolve itself if he’s smart enough to realise that the grass isn’t greener and he starts to appreciate what he has.
What you shouldn’t do is letehim have his cake and eat it. That’s probably just going to be damaging to you.
Don’t forget that you also have agency in the relationship. It doesn’t have to be a forever relationship just because it’s your first.
First off, porn addiction is not actually a medically recognized disorder or an actual addiction in the scientific use of the word. At best it’s a sort of compulsion similar to gaming compulsions. The difference is important because addictions are generally caused by chemical processes, but a compulsion is driven by the person’s own thoughts and feelings that lead to problematic behavior that negatively impacts their life. Simply not looking at porn doesn’t help with dealing with the underlying compulsion that lead them there to begin with and these thoughts aren’t going to go away and will eventually lead to more problems.
A large part of male sexuality is the desire for varied partners, for men in healthy monogamous relationships this often involves using porn to fantasize about varied partners and satisfy that urge in a way that is not harmful to the overall relationship. This is frequently misunderstood by women who believe that men viewing porn is evidence that they want to physically sleep with other women or that it’s a warning sign that they are thinking about cheating which is very often not the case.
I think your partner enjoys fantasizing about other women but has been lead to believe that these feelings are wrong and immoral. Similar to what happens when gay people suppress their natural sexual thoughts an feelings this suppression leads to frustration and anger and the person begins to feel like they are immoral for not being able to control these thoughts. The fallout is that their entire sexuality ends up in the firing line as it’s impossible for them to figure out what are the good parts of their sexuality and what are the bad parts leaving them confused, angry, often depressed.
> “I really love my gf but I want to have sex with other women”
When he says this I think this really shows what he is struggling with. He is fantasizing about sex with other women and instead of recognizing that it’s simply a normal part of male sexuality and not something concerning or immoral he thinks it’s some sort of disorder or proof that he is an immoral and bad person. He doesn’t truly want to have sex with other women as you have presented that option and he isn’t interested. I think he is trying to figure out what is wrong with him and why he can’t control these thoughts and impulses.
**Where do you go from here?**
He needs to address the actual source of his problems that lead to his porn habits getting in the way of a healthy relationship. That almost certainly means real therapy as I think there is a lot of damage that has been done to him psychiatrically and that’s not going to go away overnight. As you’ve already recognized policing him day and night so that he can’t look at porn isn’t helping, it makes you feel like a jailor and it makes him feel smothered and resentful.
It’s very possible that he is not capable of giving you the relationship that you want or deserve right now, and that it will take him more time and effort than you are willing to wait for him to get there. At the very least the two of you need to be able to have an honest conversation about it without either of you shutting down or getting angry at the other. From there you can decide if the path towards where the two of you want the relationship to get is one that you are willing to walk.