My hubby and I have been together for 3 years. Married for a little over two. He has come from a history of dead bedrooms and was excited to be with someone who valued sex as much as I do. Of course when we started out we couldn’t keep our hands off one another and then we got into what I consider a normal pattern of a couple times a week. Over the past year it has increasingly gotten less. I feel lucky to have some form of intimacy once a week. I would say our average is around 3-4x a month. This includes all types of sex. From PIV, mutual masturbation, touching each other and oral. We are pretty adventurous from time to time and try new things. And he is very easy to talk to. We have talked about this “issue” several times and I truly feel like it hasn’t been figured out. I will say that I do have times when I am unable to be intimate due to some vulva issues and he is very respectful of me when they do arise. And sometimes our windows don’t always line up. All that being said I overall feel very unsatisfied with our sex life. For me Sex is the closest intimacy we can have and my solo time just doesn’t fill that void. I don’t feel as loved when we aren’t having sex regularly. I like to feel wanted and it’s really taking a toll on me mentally. I also do not feel comfortable initiating anymore due to being rejected. It’s become so much more frequent that I feel like giving up initiating at all. We have talked about all of this and he just says sex isn’t as high a priority to him and that he doesn’t like feeling pressured, which I completely understand. I try to be understanding but it’s becoming very difficult for me to do so. It makes me feel bad about myself. For him to be in the mood for sex he needs to have had a pretty good day, not have been too stressed. Which I feel is pretty normal. And for me I can be in the mood pretty much whenever. It actually is a stress reliever for me. We have started a new thing at night where we make out to increase our intimacy level. And if one of us wants to take it further we ask for consent and the other person can either accept or not. So far it’s been good. And it does help my mood. My husband is so loving and treats me so well. I just wish we could sink up our sex life a bit better and really just came here to ask if there’s anything else that we should consider or try. Please no hate. I am truly seeking advice and ways we can work together. Or ways that I can work on myself to better this. He is open to sex therapy as well. But wanted to try a few things before going that route. I also would love advice on how to talk to him better about this.
4 comments
He could be suffering with depression maybe? Or maybe his test levels are low? What’s his age?
Either of those will kill libido for a man. To the point you just hope the Mrs don’t try it on.
I had low low low libido. 40 years old. Got checked, And I now take testosterone and I’m a fucking horny teenager again. I love it.
My Mrs however. She not on my level haha. Never mind.
Stress is definitely a sex drive killer, so for any specific time when he’s not into it, that could easily be the problem.
However, mismatched libidos is extremely common (though it’s usually the man with a higher drive), and the sad fact is you just need to learn to live with it (or move on). Are there things he could do for you that aren’t actually sex? What if you both get naked and he holds you and kisses you while you use a toy on yourself? That type of thing will give you intimacy and sexual release without having to go through a whole “round” of sex.
It’s hard to line up equal amount of desire all the time. You may want to try a “free pass” method where you basically make a promise to each other that there would be no rejection for a period of week/month/etc…and see if that works and if not, why not
Some medications can have side effects. Is he taking any that might contribute to your issue?