How can I convince my dad to go to therapy without offending him?

I (19NB) have been thinking that my dad (48M) would benefit from therapy for a while now; He lacks the emotional intelligence to respond to “big” emotions in a healthy way, often interpreting others’ own negative feelings as personal attacks or willful defiance. Before we knew I had generalized anxiety disorder, when I would panic and hide under my bed not wanting to go to school and refuse to come out when he told me to, his response would be, “Are you trying to make me upset?” If, in other instances, I expressed not wanting to participate in some family activity, it was, “Did I do something to offend you? Do you hate me?”.

I have three younger siblings (16M, 14M, 10F), and seeing this behavior turned towards my siblings always makes me overly combative in the moment, though I’ve gotten better at not interfering in this way and accidentally making it worse. I’ve been on the other side of these conflicts, and I’m old enough now to have the perspective and vocabulary to better understand the effect it has on both sides.

I’ve tried to calmly explain to my dad after the high emotions have passed that certain behaviors are not helping anyone; Forcing yourself into your son’s room to apologize after he’s retreated there for a moment alone to calm down from an argument doesn’t help deescalate the situation. Yelling at your daughter “Calm down! Listen to me!” when she’s crying isn’t going to make anyone feel better. Unfortunately, none of these attempts to address harmful behavior have been well-received. He just gets angry that I’m “trying to tell him how to parent his kids”.

The thing is, I understand. I know that big emotions can be hard to know how to deal with. I’m autistic, and as a child, my first response to stress, anxiety, or anger was to scream and hit and fight back against anything I thought was a threat (which, as a kid who struggled to process change and understanding what even upset me, happened a lot). I know my dad. While he’s not autistic, he *is* dyslexic, and I recognize myself in him by the way his executive dysfunction impacts his ability to process his emotions. Unlike my dad however, I have a therapist who’s helped me learn to identify when I’m feeling overwhelmed or angry, and has taught me steps to address those situations in a safe and productive way.

My dad punched a hole into the wall today while he was yelling at my little sister (10F), who was crying because she didn’t want to go to church. While he’s gotten this angry before, he’s always removed himself from the situation before it reached that point. He’s hit the wall before, but only after going into another room away from the argument, and never hard enough to make a fist-shaped hole.

This isn’t healthy. He shouldn’t respond to a distressed kid by yelling, making accusations, and hitting a wall with enough force to break through the drywall. He shouldn’t internalize others’ differing perspectives as a personal attack. I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m the only adult here who understands that. He needs to go to therapy. He won’t listen to me when I try to help him see another perspective, and my mom thinks that I’m just making everything worse by making him feel like a bad parent. He needs someone to talk to who’ll help him learn the emotional intelligence he lacks. He needs someone he can vent to who won’t just be a yes-man to him like some of his church friends do.

But I don’t know how to approach him with this. He’s always struggled with admitting he needs help; he sees it as a personal failure. He’s had a CPAP for his sleep apnea for years, but every night is a struggle to get him to wear it because he “doesn’t need it” (even though he knows he sleeps terribly without it). He would complain about not seeing well, but didn’t allow himself to get glasses until two years ago. He’s overly concerned with what others think about him, and how his family’s actions reflect on his reputation.

Despite all four of us kids going to therapy or counseling for one reason or another (our family has a long history of anxiety and learning disorders), I know that he would be offended if I brought this up. He’ll see it as an insult, like I’m telling him he’s less than, even though he supports us kids doing it! It’s “different” when it’s about him. But he needs this. I want him to be better, and I want him to be happier. How can I convince him to get therapy?

**TL;DR!** My dad (48M) has always thought that to admit to need help is to admit to being a failure, but he needs to go to therapy so he can learn to regulate his emotions and resolve conflict in a healthy way. How do I (19NB) convince him he needs this without offending him or making him defensive?