My 33M boyfriend and I 30F have been together for 4 years and live together. We both don’t any kids. I have always been ready to walk the aisle but he is the one who is waiting for the right time.
Anywho, he suffered a knee injury in November which required surgery and he barely returned to work about two weeks ago. I started a new job in September …my job was able to allow me to take time off to care for him, take him to appointments , drive him hours away to visit his family and I was able to adjust my work schedule (I work for a school). Basically my life changed to accommodate his needs. I paid for some of his medical bills so he didn’t have to worry about anything just recover. I took care of everything( cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, doing his hair, bathing him, transportation, tending to his car, helping him walk…you get it. He was able to pay for regular bills due to his longevity at his job and FMLA). So we still had income coming in.
I did lose a lot of income for all the time off as I don’t have any PTO since I’m new at my job. We really don’t have a lot of family/friend support so Everything was on me. He shared with me that Because of how much I was dedicated to his recovery and all the sacrifices I made he is ready to marry me. Currently he is supposedly saving up for the ring.
Anyways, my new job is completely toxic and my physical and emotional health has deteriorated faster than i expected due to stress, work load and life. I have a lot of doctor’s appointments and on several medications…I continue to miss a lot of work because of it. My contract is up in July 2023 and when I started the job I had planned on continuing but not anymore due to the poor treatment at the school, lied about my pay, management and HR…just a lot of unhealthy stuff (a lot of other staff have complaints too) we are all currently working with the union and there is an investigation. So I won’t be returning.
I postponed two surgeries I was suppose to have in December to take care of my BF . One surgery was to save my uterus in order to have kids or I have the option to just remove my uterus and I can’t have kids. My doctor recommended to have the surgery soon as possible due to my age and plus a fully recovered uterus takes time to recover / heal about 3 month recovery to get back to daily activities and about a year or more to conceive. Doctor shared any longer my chances of having kids will be very difficult as my condition can come back and a second surgery to the uterus they may need to just remove the uterus permanently.
My second surgery is about 3 month recovery as well. My doctor recommended not having two surgeries at once as the pain tolerance can be very extreme. So I will need to have them separately. He recommended the uterus one first due to my age.
I had planned to have my surgery in June now as I have a month off which is nearing the end of my contract but since I won’t be coming back in August I will lose my health insurance making me consider to delay my surgeries for another year again as I won’t be eligible for FMLA leave for any new jobs. I believe I have to be at a job for 1 year.
My boyfriend has been at his job for 5 -6 years. He understands the situation I am in and expressed he wants to take care of me. I did ask him if he is open to getting married sooner so I can be under his insurance (he has really good insurance) and not delay my surgeries any longer since we both want kids and once I recover I’ll find a job and get back to work.
He said it isn’t likely he will marry me sooner. Which really did sting. I’m not upset about his response and it didn’t led to any arguments . I know where he stands.
Any feedback would be great. I do feel differently about him as it’s starting to sink in.
2 comments
>He said it isn’t likely he will marry me sooner. Which really did sting.
He’s not serious about you then. It’s literally that black and white.
This is why I’d rather be single than stay in relationships for years as BF /GF. The investment literally makes zero sense. You don’t need to date someone for 4 years to decide if you want to marry them.
People only drag their feet when they’re not serious about a person.
Its normalized to date for years these days. But it doesn’t mean it’s normal.
Yalls timelines have to match.
You’re ready to get married now. He’s not. Cool, move on and invest your time with someone else. Because yalls timelines arent compatible.
This isn’t an ultimatum either. Just end the relationship and don’t go backward.
Otherwise you risk letting it turn into a sunken cost fallacy. You keep waiting around because you’ve already wasted so much time waiting around and you feel like you would be “throwing away” the last 4 years of your life.
And next time set your expectations up front.
I’m not living with someone I’m not engaged to. Period. Not signing a lease with you. Not playing house. Not playing married if we aren’t married. And I think thats part of the problem.
People have zero boundaries about these things. They just give 100% to relationships that arent at a stage of 100% committment.
People always say having a certificate isn’t a big deal. Well if it isn’t a big deal, why won’t you sign one? It’s “just a piece of paper” right? Makes no sense.
So me personally, I would walk. But I I would also like to preferace that by saying that I dont believe relationships for the sake of relationships. My natural state is single. So if I’m in a realtionship that is specifically because it is moving toward marriage and building a life together.
Otherwise I’d rather stay single minding my own business.
Supposedly he is saving for a ring, but it’s not likely he’ll marry you any sooner. I understand why this stings. I’m really sorry you are in this bad place. Wishing you good outcomes all around.