I lost my virginity about a month ago and despise how I lost it. I’m 18. I had gone on a few dates with this guy from tinder who knew I was a virgin. On our last date we went into the backseat of his car and things started to get steamy. He asked if I wanted to lose my virginity (after pressuring me about it previously) and I said yes out of fear of him not wanting to see me anymore. It happened and now I’ve had nothing but regret since that night. I wanted it to be special. I recently have started a relationship with this very sweet boy and have had completely consensual, unpressured sex with him and it felt different from the previous guy. It felt special and right. Two things. Would it be wrong to consider the second time with my boyfriend to be my “real” first time/ losing my virginity and how can I stop thinking about what happened and move past it?
29 comments
Turn lesbian
I lost my virginity at 18 too and I regretted how too. I’m 28 now and while I still sometimes wish I had waited a bit it’s not that big of a deal now. I think we’re often brainwashed to think it’s more important than it is. I hardly ever think of that time or even that person anymore. I try to focus on the first time with the person I’m with at that moment rather than the first time ever.
Understand there is nothing sacred about virginity. You are not different after losing your virginity, with the exception that you have had sex. You have not really “lost” anything. You have gained experience. Your worth as a person has not changed, unless you allow it.
Know that the first time having sex is not the earth shaking event that many make it out to be. Yes, it is nice if it is special, but it is only one sexual encounter. You will have many more. Make the next one better.
Understand that you do not have to live by some ridiculous double standard. Society screams that sexually active men are great, but sexually active women are to be ridiculed. That’s bullshit. Your body is yours alone, to share, or not share, with others as you see fit. Your body does not belong to me, your boyfriend, your father or anyone else. It is YOURS.
Sex is not something to be ashamed about. Sex is not dirty. Sex is normal and natural. Enjoying sex is normal and natural for both men and women. Sex can be a wonderful way to express your deep love for your partner. Sex can also be a fun way of expressing affection with a friend. Both are equally valid, and neither is something to be embarrassed about.
So, do not worry about not being a virgin. Learn from your encounter, but do not let it define you or your life. You are still you. Be the best you you can be.
People often make a big fuss over the first time ever having sex. From my perspective, the first time having consensual sex with someone new is something to treasure in it’s own right (especially if you like or love them).
The sex you had with your ex wasn’t genuinely consensual. He put on the pressure and you said yes reluctantly. Some people would consider that situation a form of rape. It’s one of those things though that your ex might not understand that he did something harmful to you. He’d probably say “but she said yes, how could I know she didn’t mean it”. It’s a problem that happens when consent education is not given properly.
You are allowed to say “my first experience of sex was upsetting and I don’t consider it my first time because it was nasty”. It can be very healing to delineate it that way. My first sexual experience I was raped, I didn’t and don’t consider it my first time because I didn’t consent to it.
All this said, not to be undelicate, make sure to have STI testing between partners. If you haven’t gotten tested, get tested asap to keep your partner as safe as possible. Some STI have no sign or have signs that are easily dismissed as other illnesses. Getting tested regularly is the best way to protect yourself and your partner because mostly everything can be treated easily if it’s caught early.
Growing up you’ll just stop giving it importance. Seriously it’s not sacred as you think, and on average people lose their virginity in a random way with the “wrong” person. Don’t think that the others girls lose it like in a romantic movie because believe me, it’s not really the case.
Now it’s ok to repent it and being a little upset because you are young and you overestimate the importance of that experience, but as i said, you’ll just stop caring one day
You’re free to think of losing your “2ginity” as the one you really like, compared to your “1gininity”. Or maybe 1ginity was just a practice run for the real deal of 2!
As for how to process it, I’d suggest something along the lines of 1ginity was a stepping stone to get to 2. You learned some lessons about what not to do, which meant you were ready for the much better 2 experience. Although 1 was lame, going through that experience made 2 possible. You learned important lessons about how much better it is unpressured and sweet. The bitterness of the lame experience will fade, but the lessons on how to have much better sex will last a lifetime!
Time….
But also use it as a major life lesson to not do things just to make the dude happy. Focus on yourself first and foremost.
No means no. And if you’re not into it you’re not into it.
Here’s my take. I lost mine way too young in a not so grate way. And then my first time having it if my own accord was after severe manipulation from the other person. I for a long time didn’t really know how to feel and eventually settled on only considering the first time it felt “right” to be my virginity losing moment. And recently I’ve realized that it’s all bullshit. Mainly meaning it’s just a thing. Virginity is an old guilt laid on by old times when people were more closed minded. You are no less of a person before or after losing it, all that changed is that you had sex. Sometimes experiences aren’t great, and that’s ok (obviously to a point, some things are not). But if it wasn’t some crazy special movie moment, that’s totally ok. Honestly I think most peoples first times aren’t. Sex is a very intimate thing for humans, and we learn ourselves and our partners as we go. My mindset, as long as the current one is good, that’s what matters most.
You know, I think it’s pretty normal to have bad experiences as first times.
My first time was with my long-term bf at that time (now ex lol). It was supposed to be special no pressure or anything.
He left me naked in the bed after the deal because he got paranoid or sum and ignored me afterwards.
Now to the point of this.
My now bf is just awesome. He makes me feels the most special person in the planet. His was the first *special* sexual experience I had.
I never told him that I consider it my first because who cares? Only me.
The best way to move on is thinking about what you have now. Your now bf. What you consider your first special experience. Forget about those people who didn’t care about you. They won once, but now you’re the one winning. <3
I’m sorry you were pressured into having a sexual encounter that you didn’t want. That’s a really emotionally challenging thing to deal with, even separate from your feelings about virginity. I hope you’ve been able to talk to someone you trust about what happened, and have a source of support. Of course you feel a lot of negative emotions over what happened.
Personally, I don’t subscribe to virginity theory. There’s nothing you lose when you have sex for the first time; you’re still the same person, you’ve just added an experience. Just like how you didn’t lose anything the first time you ate sushi, or the first time you watched a movie, or the first time you had a heart-to-heart conversation, or the first time you had a sleepover, or the first time you drove a car.
If we get away from the idea that virginity matters, that during your first sexual encounter you lose something you can never get back, then it really doesn’t matter which sexual encounter you decide is your first one. You can just cherish any sexual encounter that felt special to you. It doesn’t matter what order they happen in. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first time, your second time, your 29th time, or your 304th time. It’s special to you and you’ll remember it forever.
Thinking about sex this way brings it in line with every other human experience. You don’t regret that the first time you went on a date, it was really awkward. You don’t regret that your first roadtrip was to somewhere kind of lame instead of somewhere cool. You don’t regret that the first time you went skiing, you fell down and ended up with a nasty bruise.
With all these things, you just think, “Too bad that didn’t work out as well as I’d hoped. Maybe next time will be better.” And when you do have a better experience sometime later, you just cherish that experience and don’t even think to care whether it was the first one or not.
Why not think of sex the same way? It’s liberating to let go of seeing your first sexual encounter as extraordinarily significant.
Just something for you to think about.
That said, if you really do like the social construct of virginity — notwithstanding that its history is tied up in seeing women as property, as commodities that men wouldn’t want to accept in “used” condition — then go ahead and define it however you want. It’s just a construct, so we can reconstruct it however we like. It can mean whatever you want it to mean.
Do exactly as you said, consider your second time your “real” first time. Call it the first time you made love or whatever you want and disregard the other time with the jerk. Girls lose their virginity/hymen while riding a bike or doing sports all the time and they wouldn’t consider that their first time, so just think of yours in the same way. 🙂
I’m 40. I lost my virginity behind a dumpster at my middle school. I was visiting my hometown awhile back and showed my wife.
She laughed. I laughed.
You move past it by grieving it. Let the tears flow about what happened. What I do is think the thought that causes me the most pain and allow the feelings from that to wash over me. Then, I repeat the thought, over and over again, feeling the emotions each time. Eventually, the sting from the thought goes away. Good luck.
Virginity is a concept. It is a concept that was created because a lot of people’s first time having sex means it’s the first time they go towards “uncharted territory” in terms of intimacy.
That said, sex is still an activity at the end of the day. One that needs precautions sure, just like many other activities (skydiving for instance).
So yeah, it’s fine to consider that time as your first, real time.
I consider the second time a penis was inside me to be when I lost my virginity. There are no rules on this. If you are like me, it will take time to get that other “first” time out of your thoughts. Just seriously don’t think about it. If it pops in your head shake your head, get the image out, and think about your boyfriend. Legit tell yourself the story of the first time with your boyfriend. Repeat it. Remember how you felt with him and how it was your first time feeling that way. The other guy doesn’t matter. That night in the car does not matter. It will take time, but the memory will fade and this will become way less important. For a long time I would cringe when I thought about that “first” experience I had. I would be embarrassed and feel like I was lying if I didn’t consider it my real first time. But along the way I’ve realized it genuinely does not matter in the least. My virginity is my own story and if I feel more comfortable thinking of the second guy as my “real” first time, then that’s my truth. I’m 17 years past losing my virginity and I barely think about either time anymore.
I really feel you on this one, I lost my virginity at 18 and didn’t enjoy it at all, but now at 23 it doesn’t really matter to me. Over time it’ll slowly go to the back of your head and it won’t loom over you. The good news is: virginity isn’t real, humans just made it up! So if you want to consider your first time with your current partner your FIRST time, there’s no harm in it at all.
Join the club.
Many of us haven’t got fantastic first times, me inclusive. And barely 2 months after that bad first experience, I had a mind blowing sexual encounter with another woman I started to date. I regretted my rush to have sex.
She’s still my wife after 19 years.
I also lost my virginity from a guy I met on tinder, he knew I was a virgin and was adamant about taking it the first time we met. I had really bad boundaries and had no idea how to say no (or that I was even allowed to say no). It was not like I expected it to be and I absolutely hated myself for letting everything happen the way it did. At the time I was very religious, which made me feel even worse about it. I literally went to church and told the priest how I felt so bad for having lost my virginity to someone I didn’t love (or even like) and that I wished I never did it. I was scared that God would be disappointed in me. He was really kind and just told me that I’m the same person as I was before and this really doesn’t change anything. You make mistakes and that’s part of being human, and it’s important to give yourself some grace. Even now (I’m 26) I don’t always know what I want in a partner, but I definitely know what I don’t want based on that and other experiences I’ve had. Remember it’s just an experience. You’ll learn to be less hard on yourself about it with time 💕.
Two points.
When we can’t let go of pondering a bad thing that happened to us, or a bad thing we did, the reasons we are haunted by it often are that we recognize that actually, we let ourselves down during that incident, and that paradoxically, there’s a part of our mind that doesn’t want to admit to that. We are therefore at war with ourselves. In this case, you made a mistake by caring that he wouldn’t want to see you anymore. The pleasure of his company was trivial compared to your scenario for first ever sex. Yet at a particular moment you were blinded to that fact. That is how you let yourself down. Maybe there’s a part of you that is so far refusing to acknowledge it, because of the humiliation. Once “all of you” concedes it, you’ll be able to heal from it, to “move on”.
We mishandle life situations. Giving in to other people. Losing our tempers. Being unkind. Ignoring warning signs. Etc. Sometimes, it’s possible to make amends. Mostly, the best we can do is be more careful from now on, and enjoy life to the fullest. And it will happen again that we make mistakes in handling life. Hopefully, fewer.
Another point to make is that romance has huge power and a new romance can be better than the romances that came before, as you have just experienced.
Putting these points together, I disagree with other commenters. It’s wrong for you to “redefine” sex such that your first time wasn’t really your first time. Emotionally, though, it may be what some people need to do to cope. You’re romanticizing the first ever sex, overrating its importance. First sex isn’t supposed to be the most important sex session in one’s lifetime, any more than the first time seeing a movie or skating on ice. You do deserve for it to be pleasant. But for so many people, it wasn’t, and won’t be. Again, you had a plan for it, and that plan didn’t come to pass. Well, there are people your age who didn’t get into the college of their choice, or didn’t have a chance to live in multiple countries during childhood, or had an unloving parent.
I’m an old man.
I know the basics of how I lost my virginity but it means nothing to me. Nothing changed that day. My sex life started before that day. And continued on after it.
Virginity means nothing.
My first experience was similar and pretty lame. First times really don’t have any more meaning than you give them though. I almost never think of my first time, and instead think of the good times.
>(after pressuring me about it previously)
Huge red flag.
Why are you putting so much “value” on your virginity? Who the hell cares? It’s just sex. Go fuck to your heart’s content & have a great & fulfilling life. Your virginity is a meaningless thing. You’re an adult now.
you loose your virginity the first time that you cum. if you didn’t nut it doesn’t count!!!!!
consider it having sex for the first time rather than losing your virginity. you gained experience (whether good or bad) not lost something. you can consider whatever you want your first time.
I doubt anyone’s first time is anything other than awkward. Mine sure was, and I also hate how I lost mine.
It is not that big of a deal. Even if she were the love of my life, the sex still would have been bad. I didn’t even know how to put the condom on to give you an idea of how bad it was.
PS: I unrolled the condom first. I did not know you had to roll it on.
It’s less about your virginity than ignoring yourself and your own boundaries.
You pressured yourself to do it, instead of “feeling” it’s right to do it in that moment.
You cant change what you’ve done, but you can change you behaviour in the future.
Listen to your heart, dont force yourself to do anything you dont want to do, and if needed grief over what you’ve done.
Yes it would have been better if you waited and had your first time with someone you truly love and who makes it special for you. But you cant change what happened. That sucks. It really sucks. And it’s okay to feel that way.
Most people hate how they lost their virginity, I think. For me I was 3 and didn’t understand what was going on and it was with an older male family member and I’m not into incest at all, I think it’s gross.
The second time I had sex was when I was sort of actually old enough (8th grade) and a girl I was super in love with wanted me to fuck her and some random guy at the same time and I did it, and watching some random dick go in and out of a girl you are in love with is super terrible.
Gonna put this out there, very very very few people can say their first time was special. It’s not all its cracked up to be, what I did was just learn from it, ie what I wanted to try etc safe to say everything on my list I’ve done but I lost my virginity young, and yes I too gave into preasure by the guy. What you can take away from this is to not let anyone pressure you in any aspect of your life moving forward. Dont be too dishesrtened, virginity isn’t physical, it’s mental and emotional.