I decided to post here because I had a panic attack this morning over this, and decided I needed to talk about it, and figure things out, if that’s the point we are at.
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My (32f) friend group consisted of 4 people (33f, 29m, 26m), including me. We have had a designated hangout every Saturday evening where we watch TV shows, play games, and just hang out together. I suppose I am the one in charge, because all of my friends are extremely introverted, and they won’t make any attempts to socialize if I do not push them. I also am extremely introverted myself, just slightly more extroverted than the rest of them.
One of my acquaintances told me they had a friend, who I shall call Sam (25f) to make this easier, who had similar interests as me 8 months ago. They asked me if Sam could be added to my friend group. They told me that Sam was feeling depressed and lonely lately, and that they sadly had no interest in any of the things Sam was talking to them about, but knew I was into what Sam is into, so thought we would be a good match for each other. Kind of weird in retrospect, but I said sure, she could join in if she liked. I have a habit of being the “mom” in the group anyway, so I kind of jumped at the idea of helping her and getting her to feel like she fit in.
To complicate this further, Sam messaged me a month ago telling me how thankful she was to me because it was so scary for her to jump into a group of friends who all had been very close for 6+ years. That I specifically never made her feel left out. She said she felt as if she has known me her whole life.
I feel like a terrible person. I fucking hate myself. Why? Because all I could do was nod and hug her, while in my head I was thinking about how much I regret ever meeting her. How much hatred I have towards her.
Why do I feel this way? Well, she has taken over my role of being “in charge,” and it is causing me to go through so much anguish and confusion when it comes to my feelings. I am filled with hatred, jealousy, a bit of FOMO, and guilt… because sometimes…. I think I genuinely like her.
To give some examples, the hatred comes from when we are hanging out, say I will comment on whatever we are watching, and she will feel the need to correct me with semantics. It almost feels like she is pitting our other friends against me. An example of this is me saying something along the lines of “I don’t like that shade of blue.” and getting a reply such as “That’s not blue OP, it’s teal, right Anne (33f)?” She will correct me over a nothing statement, and get my friends to agree with her. It is seriously wearing me down to the point where I am getting anxiety attacks every Saturday, and I find it hard to even talk when we do hang out, because I am scared she is going to be confrontational with whatever I say. (I have never dealt well with conflict.)
The jealousy comes from when we are hanging out, Sam always makes sure to say things like “Oh, Anne, remember how we already talked about this in DM’s.” I have known Anne for 14 years. She is my best friend, but she has always been private and self-contained. She doesn’t do DM’s and texting, and she doesn’t share on her own. She is a listener for the most part, though she has mentioned and thanked me in the past for engaging and including her so much, because most people get put off by how standoff she can be. So when Sam starts raving about how close they are in DM’s I feel a pang of jealousy. I feel useless and worthless and unneeded. I feel betrayed that Anne won’t open up to me and talk to me. I know it is stupid, and not true, as Anne and I are very close, but that’s what my brain tells me to feel.
With another friend, Sam was like “Oh Bill (29m), I showed you all of the videos about TOPIC, and you loved it!” and Bill, who I had previously shown the TOPIC to, had no interest and told me he didn’t like it, but now, all enthusiastically he is like “OH YEAH!!! TOPIC IS SO COOL.” >!(Also sorry for being so vauge but I would rather none of this traces back to me.)!< But I just feel so….. garbage. Worthless. Why was TOPIC not good enough when I was the one who liked it, but it’s amazing when Sam likes it?
The fear of missing out comes from the fact that Sam has also started to invite my friends to hang out with her… on Saturday…. while not inviting me. They play a 4-player game that my friends and I used to play, and I am not able to join because, well, with Sam, the friend group has become 5 people. It makes me feel like I am being kicked out of my own friend group. They have conversations about all the cool stuff they did without me, and I feel as if I am missing out on things. Again, I feel like worthless trash.
I have also noticed that I have become extremely bitter and hateful toward things I used to love. Probably because in my fucked up mental state I just find it easier to say I hate the 4 player game we used to play together than to sit here alone, crying, because I am no longer allowed to enjoy, nor be included, in the friend night that I have been hosting for 5 years every Saturday.
The worst part is that it’s too late. I can’t just remove her from the group. She has become so close to my friends. They love her. They talk to me about how great she is all the time. And honestly, she does DM me too, and when we are one on one, I do genuinely like her as well. I don’t know if my brain is just freaking out because of the change or what, but in moments like these I do genuinely like her and want to be her friend. So why do I hate her so much? Why am I having panic attacks over her existence? Why can’t I be as happy and as excited about her as the rest of my friend group is?
I am confused and hurting.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. I am destroying myself over this, and I feel like I may end up jeopardizing my entire relationship with my friend group over this. I don’t know what to do, or what to think. I feel so “high-school” and pathetic for the emotions I am feeling, but I have never dealt with a situation like this before. Help.
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**TL:DR: New friend is making me feel excluded from my friend group and I am feeling too many confusing emotions over it.**
5 comments
Dont say anything negative. If dont want to say anything good, say nothing at all. Be cordial. Tldr
It seems to me you took on a role no one asked you to take and became entitled to attention no one wanted to give freely. You’re learning the hard way how give and take works.
The problem is not so much that a new person showed up, who is doing some of the things you did, such as setting up dates and activities.
It’s that the other three people, are so passive/indifferent that they’re not speaking up for including you, or that they’re actually happy to be doing these things without you.
Also keep in mind , not everybody is friendly and respectful. Some people are very good at manipulation and lying and treating others with disrespect while smiling at them.
I don’t know for sure if this new person is doing this, but it’s okay if you want to bring it up with your other friends and see what’s going on too.
I‘m sorry thats happening! Dunno why the other commentors are being weird. I can see how that would be stressfull for you and obviosly you didnt do anything wrong.
I think is completly reasonable for you to feel jealous in this situation. Though I think if you can find some way to let go of the jealosy, like some way to think about the situation. Like think about it like this happened and it suck but it dosnt mean anything bad about me. It dosnt mean i did anything wrong. Try to detach from the situation a bit, if you can. Could try journalling
One thing you could do is talk to them about how your feeling. Maybe you could think about which of your friends one or maybe more than one would be most receptive and able to hear you. Or which way of talking about it might lead to the best outcome? Like maybe talking to them all at once about it might have some advantages to talking to only one or 2 of them.
Talking to them about it might help them understand and you might all be able to see each others point of view and hang out all together just taking turns to play the 4 person game. Or at least make your other friends aware of whats gojngbon in the situation. Maxbe you could talk to one friend about it then the whole group later. I suppose worst case senario is it might also result in them all distancing themselves further from you. If that does end up happening at least youll know and you wont be stuck in the middle ground or having to wait and see what happens.
I recon another good thing to do is find clubs/groups you can join so you have something else to focus on and other ppl to hang out with
You are not crazy for feeling this way, OP. I would feel horrible if my friends suddenly started liking my interests because of a new person. Or if they started to to hang out without me to do something we used to do together.
I definitely think you need to talk to your friends about this. Someone else made a really great suggestion about talking to someone your closest to in the group, then talking to the larger group about it. If they are actually good friends, then they will really listen to your feelings and try their best to be there for you. On your end, there, also, might be something going on that you don’t know about. Maybe your friends are spending more time with Sam because she is feeling depressive and needs friendship. That could give you more peace of mind.
Still, I do not think you should hangout with people who make you feel bad, regardless of how long you have been friends. I think you should place some distance between you and your friends, maybe restart some other friendships. Or just start to enjoy your own company! You deserve friendships that do not make you feel horrible and anxious all the time.