TLDR: My Dad is upset that I don’t consider his partner and her family to be my family. I need advice on how to have a conversation with him about that.
My (27F) parents have been separated now for 4 or 5 years, and both have new partners.
I like Mom’s partner – he’s a bit beige, but lovely. He’s good for her. They spend a couple nights a week together and I’ve met most of his family. I would consider myself friendly with his family, but not *friends* per se
My Dad is head over heels for his new partner (who I’ll call Alex for this post). They’ve been together a year or two and recently moved in together. She’s wacky and eccentric and the completed opposite of my Mom – which is not a bad thing. Dad is changed for the better by this woman. I really like her.
Alex has a couple of kids, a daughter who is my age and a son who is still a teen. The eldest has a child of their own. I’ve met the daughter a couple of times and we get on quite well. I can see myself being friends with her.
We recently met up for lunch, Dad, Alex, her kids, and her grandkid. Dad and I were talking and made a joke that I should do something and I refused, quietly stating that I only do that with family. (Think, sharing food, not giving money away). He dropped it and we had a nice rest of the day.
Later that night, Dad messaged me and told me that Alex overheard and was upset that I didn’t consider her and her family to be my family. He’s told me it’s caused a fight between him and Alex and that everyone’s feelings have been hurt.
How do I gently, and tactfully explain to my Dad that while I love him, and like his partner and kids – they’re not my family? And that that’s okay, it doesn’t change how I feel about them.
I was thinking about talking about my in laws, and how they’re my family, not his (he’s only met them a handful of times, and he’s never met my SIL).
Any tips?
31 comments
You’re a grown adult and your parents new partners are just that, their partners. You don’t have to consider them family. Quite frankly your fathers’ request is a bit ridiculous.
The more info/context you give him (like mentioning your in laws), the more ‘ammo’ he’ll feel he has to argue the toss.
Tell him, you love him and you really like Alex and are enjoying getting to know her children. Tell him you enjoy spending time with them but that his insistence that they’re comparatively suddenly ‘faaaaamily’ is putting unfair pressure on you and that that pressure is not conducive to a friendly relationship with anyone, let alone a loving one.
That’s so shit, I’m sorry.
Given your age and the time frame here, of course you aren’t going to consider this woman “family”.
However. Why did you choose to respond the way you did to a joke? It seems unnecessarily hurtful. If she’s suggesting you have a sleepover with her daughter or lending money or whatever, of course you can assert your boundaries and say no. But this particular case sounds like you looking for ways to push her family away.
You seem to be the only adult in the room.
I think you’re fine to explain that connections within a blended/extended family is something that happens naturally and no-one can expect it automatically. It’s unfortunate that your dad’s partner had presumed this but it doesn’t make your position or feelings any less relevant.
Have a chat with her directly and I hope she’s able to see that there’s no negativity or diminished feelings in any of this.
There is a saying you pick your family. That means it is a choice. You are making a choice that those people are not your family. It is fine either way, but remember that your dad has the right to feel about your decesion however he wants.
This is a different situation than your in-laws. Think of it as you and your wife. Would you be happy if your dad said that she is not his family?
Just tell your dad that him and your mom are your family. Their current partners are not. If they feel offended by that, so be it. They are old enough to understand.
You’re 27, you don’t need to think of her as family, that’s kind of weird actually. But maybe try not to explicitly make comments or that nature when she’s around? She may have taken it as an insult, even though you didn’t meant it that way, and you didn’t even mean for her to hear it
For things like this. I always think. Do you hope your parents consider your partner as family? Especially if you have been together for a few years and are living together?
You have a right to keep them at a distance and draw any boundaries you think are best for you. I am just trying to get you to see things from another pov.
Edit. I just saw the reasons you said it. And I am 100% now on the side that you are an ass hole. You shamed your father for regular behavior and then made a dig about it after he called you out on it. It definitely seems intentional on your part.
To me, “family” are people that I believe are in my life forever. In the case of in-law type relationships, I would only consider them “family” if I liked them so much that I would want to keep them even if the romantic relationship broke down.
It sounds to me like this is probably a case of Alex/your dad defining “family” differently than you do. You’re saying something super reasonable, but if she defines family differently, she might be hearing a totally different thing. You need to either define terms or sidestep them and be direct about what you do feel. Maybe reach out and affirm that you really like her as a person and a partner for your dad, etc.
Your father (and Alex) are asking too much. You hardly know these people! Why would you consider them family? AND – technically they are NOT family. Dad and Alex aren’t married.
I think you can try to explain that to him, and your example of your in-laws is a good one. I’d also point out to him that you do indeed like Alex and her clan; they seem lovely, etc. and that should be good enough for everyone concerned. Maybe you will consider them family some day, after time and interaction and experiences together, but that day is not today.
Look I don’t have my dad anymore and I would love for him to be alive and have this issue. But I would live to please him because he would do anything for me so I would expect his request.
Why aren’t they your family? If you sibling got married, wouldn’t their spouse be part of your family? She is your dad’s partner, there doesn’t seem to be any animosity. Why can’t you see them as part of your family too?
Here’s the thing Delta1Juliet, I think that maybe if Alex knew how you really felt about her, she would probably weep with joy. But she probably misinterpreted what you said about her not being part of your family as reflecting how you felt about her.
I wish you could share your post here with her. You said your father is crazy about her. You like her. You like her family. You compared her favorably to your mom’s new partner.
You paid her the highest compliment possible. You said that she is good for your dad. Wow. I hope you work this out. She obviously cares about how you feel, and if she knew how you really felt she would be so happy.
As Good As It Gets https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A75AgrH5eqc
If you were 10 years old that would be a good thing, all living in the same house, etc. But you’re not. You’re an adult with your own life. It’s all a bit immature all the way around.
I think your dad is love drunk and is trying to force some sort of validation that’s not needed. Say exactly what you said in the last paragraph to him.
Dad you and mum have only been divorced for a few years, and you have both moved on and found new partners, and thats great, but you have only been together with Alex for just over a year.
I really like Alex and her family, but I’ve only met them a few times and while you may consider them family I am going to need a lot more time to get to know them and see how it goes.
I’m still coming to grips with the divorce, new partners and all of it, because its a lot to take in and adjust to.
I have close friends that I’ve know for x years some of which I consider family, many I don’t. I need time Dad and I need to go at my own pace. I really like Alex and I think she is great for you, and I can see you both working really hard to combine families. But I need more time and I need you to understand that and not force the issue.
edited typos
Wacky and eccentric Alex is hurt that she’s not the main character.
Id say that having an honest one on one conversation would be best, and speak clearly. Let him know that she’s just his girlfriend, not wife. And in the event they do get married, she will not be your step mother, but your father’s wife. You are an adult now, not a child, so you won’t be putting a lot of importance on her or her family.
Exactly the example you used with the in laws is a good way to go. What family ties are there between you and her? None. Also if they break up are you going to have communication with her? Again no!! I really don’t understand why parents try to force situations!
“Dad. Do you consider my spouse’s parents to be your siblings? Do you consider their siblings to be your children? Their cousins to be your nieces and nephews? Probably not, right? And we’re married.”
You don’t, because you’re using “family” as a way to be mean and negative towards your dad.
This stance is a negative one designed to hurt people. If you want to hurt your dad, all so you can hold on to this idea of “Real family,” keep doing what you’re doing. You’re nailing it.
> quietly stating that I only do that with family
Yea i mean, nice. Now whatever arbitrary thing that is can stay between you and your real family, since that is so super important, and you can continue to hurt other people who love you.
Now when your dad tells you that your kids are not his family, you will understand and agree with him.
Edit: and before you act like this is so much deeper and family is blah blah blah, this is literally a teen movie trope. “Immature girl hates her step mom” is like, classic 90s cinema. Your current status is mean girl in teen movie.
My husband’s grandma died 5 years ago. After she passed his grandpa got a new partner that’s a decade younger than him. My MIL is in her early 60s and has 3 younger siblings and her dad’s partner has a couple of adult children in their 40s. The grandpa and his partner expect both of their families to come to their house for Thanksgiving and Christmas on the same day. It’s so awkward and the families are nothing alike. My MIL finally told her father that you can’t blend families like the Brady Bunch when all the kids are middle age lol. Now my MIL hosts holidays for that side so that we don’t have to deal with the partner’s kids and grandkids.
You’re not wrong to feel the way you feel. There’s a difference between being friendly vs being forced to consider someone family.
My mum has been with her partner 15+ years. I’ve never considered him or his kids as family.
You’ve accepted them as family’s partners. You are an adult, they haven’t had any role in your life, it doesn’t have to be more than being friendly.
I’m not sure why your dad would expect more than that.
So a couple things, whenever you go to say something you should think:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
These kind of posts come up all the time, and I’m always like “why would someone purposefully say “I only do that with family” instead of just saying “I’m not comfortable with that right now.”
The only reason I can come up with is because they are purposefully trying to hurt someone who might consider them family. So when you get in that situation remember it.
That being said, you just say you aren’t there now, but you’ll keep that in mind for future reference to not rub salt in her wounds.
Honestly, the word “family” can mean anything to anyone, OP.
I have a biological uncle (my father’s brother) who is such an ass that I have never considered him family. I do not call him Uncle. Yet, I call my parent’s best friends Aunt and Uncle. Businesses call themselves a “family.”
My point is that I hope you will try and understand this is a case where Alex’ personal definition of family just seems to be different than your personal definition of family, and so she got stung about your comment. You said she is kind of wacky, so she is likely one of those people who joyfully include those close to them as part of her family. And gets hurt when others exclude her from that category.
My question to you is this: Is it worth it? It’s just a word. Is it worth it to be so very stern on this issue that you hurt your Dad, his much loved partner, and her family (that you like), over a *word*? Using it isn’t going to change your life in any way. Not using it could change relationships quite a bit. I hope you will ponder this carefully.
I would not address this head-on by engaging with his (ridiculous) request, and rather go straight to Alex. You like her, he sounds a little clueless bc he made this request in the first place. Maybe say “Dad, I’m sorry I hurt Alex’s feelings. Are you OK with me calling her directly to sort this out?”
And then when you call her, clarify:
–you like her personally
–you love her relationship with your dad
–you like her kids and you’re eager to get to know them better
–family is a complex term, and that you perhaps chose that term unwisely to explain why you weren’t comfortable in that moment. You didn’t feel comfortable doing what he asked because you just didn’t. You’re not a child, he’s not allowed to make those kids of demands on you, and in fact part of being an adult means that you are entitled to your preferences without an after-the-fact interrogation.
–Thanks for caring, I am looking forward to spending time with you over the rest of our lives, I think you’re great, looking forward to seeing you on easter/passover/etc.
If they prove themselves family along the way, then sure. It isn’t your fault Alex overheard, but your dad cannot hurry things along pushing the relationship he wants you to have.
Just tell him it is good to take time and not something that can be forced after only a couple interactions.
Yeah I don’t think you really like her as much as you claim to do LMAO
My mother passed away about 15 years ago. My dad started dating a woman about 9 months later. That whole thing is another story for another time.
I am not the biggest fan of her. She makes my dad happy and that makes me happy. But she is just not my cup of tea. But in the 14 years they’ve been together, he’s never once tried to make her part of the family.
My kid refers to them as Grandpa and her name. Everyone works with it.
So there are ways to make it work. Your dad is trying to force something that isn’t there and so is she.