People I need help. Can someone please advise me on what to do?
So here is my story:- I am 35, my wife is 32. We moved to Florida from Seattle in March 2020 and we were super excited about the life here. I am an extrovert and my wife is a extreme introvert (I guess). I made lots of friends and we had a really fun social life. We attended events, gatherings knew thousands of people in the area. We were the life of the party. Then suddenly my wife had a change of heart after a year or so and she decided to quietly and secretly burn all bridges and push all friends away. I saw that and I am super supportive so I thought that maybe she is not digging the party life and the friends so I obliged and followed her lead. My only request was to not go overboard and leave us completely lonely. She did exactly that and everyone likes me but no one is fond of her and all my friends left. Now it’s been 14 months that I have quietly spent every weekend and every single day watching tv and playing video games, concentrating on myself, work and gym, but she still does everything she can do push people away. I am bored and lonely and I miss the company of people. Even if we go somewhere like a beach, we just stare at people hoping someone would talk to us but it never happens. I have brought it up to her multiple multiple times that we should not be this lonely and we should have some friends. She says yes but in the background I can see that she tries hard to keep things this way. Someone invited us to a party this weekend and I was so surprised coz it’s been years and I asked her and after a day of thinking about it, she turned it down immediately and didn’t even ask for my opinion.
What can I do here? We are both good looking and in shape and we take care of ourselves and I am having such a hard time accepting that we will have no friends for the rest of our lives! Can I get some advise? Plz
Nick
2 comments
Sounds like a major incompatibility. Your wife isn’t taking your needs into account at all. To be fair to her, it sounds like your initial lifestyle after you moved didn’t take HER needs into account at all. So maybe that’s why she’s over-reacting. She’s thinking if you start having *any* social life, then it’ll evolve into the super “out there” social life that may have been driving her crazy. So she’s shutting it all down.
Honestly I think you two would benefit from counseling to have an objective person give you some feedback and advice.
I used to be a guy with no friends and now I would say I am considered popular so perhaps I can help you(I have lived with intense social anxiety and now I am 17 only came out my shell last year). Being social is the greatest thing for anyones mental health and success.
If you do not want to read this all then just get this one tip. Read how to win friends and influence people by dale carnegie or watch Hamza on youtube.
Firstly lets find out why you can’t think of what to say:
1.) You are overthinking
2.) …
There is no other reason that I can think of really. So your number one focus should be mental health and reducing overthinking thoughts like: what if he says this, what if she does that? You probably have no idea what thoughts come up and that is because you are unpresent during conversation
You think you are nervous but maybe it goes deeper. Perhaps someone like a family member or a close one has rejected you or hurt you multiple times and now you are carrying that same emotional experience with you everywhere. It is important you realize you are not these feelings.
Okay so practical stuff:
– Download an app called medito (100% free) and start off small with 1 minute meditations and increase overtime. Meditation is cringe so do not tell people you do it. But it works. It basically reduces negative thoughts in your brain and increases focus. It will improve every area of your life.
– distrust your brain. Your brain has put you in this position where you are anxious. It protects you from future abuse/ harm. It will lie to you, create excuses but you must just do what you fear anyways. You feel anxious to approach that person. Just command your legs to go forward anyways. It gets easier.
– Watch Hamza on youtube. Idc if you do not agree with his views on dating but he will drastically improve your social skills as he breaks down step by step what to do, no bullshit.
– Rejection is normal. If I could tell you how many awkward situations I have experienced I could not because I cannot remember. But here is a secret. Anyone successful with women and friends have been through hundreds of rejections, me included. It is going to happen but just like in the gym, you feel pain when you exercise, but your muscles grow stronger overtime. Not immediately but overtime. Your brain does the same thing. As long as you stay positive after rejection, analyse what you did wrong and over many rejections you will slowly start to get it. Plus you also get over fear of rejection, a massively useful skill to have.
– Hit the gym, lift weights, become bigger and more confident. Most guys talk about gym so it gives convo starters
– smile. To practice just think of something funny and then you will give a genuine smile
– Get the f off social media. It only causes you to overthink and subconsciously compares you to others. The reason you overthink is because you see yourself as lower in the social hierarchy then the person you talk to. Don’t lie to yourself
– Read how to win friends and influence people. Cringe but once again do it in private.
– Improve your looks. Idk how you look IRL but if you find that people do not respect you or talk first, then the simple but harsh truth is you are not attractive. It is a biological and unconscious thing. Watch OnPointFresh or Hamza on Youtube on this topic. You don’t have to be a model, just be hygienic and have style. You said you were attractive anyways so I assume this isn’t an issue.
Anyways, good luck and trust me it gets way easier. It may take months, maybe years to get to the point where you are just in that flow but the time will pass anyways and it is SO worth it. Without good social skills you miss out on opportunities, events, relationships, friends and so much more life has to offer.