My husband who can’t have kids biologically, wants us to adopt instead of using a sperm donor as he thinks I will love the kids more than he will be able to because they would be biologically mine. He thinks if we adopt we can love the kids equally? Don’t fully understand. What do you guys think of this?
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I wouldn’t want my husband to use his sperm with a donor egg. I’d feel like he had a biological child with someone else and not with me. I’m not saying it’s rational or right, but I get his point of view.
I can see his “logic” here. It puts him in a position where the baby could have your smile, but a strangers eyes. When a child is becoming an adult he will need his family medical history. You will get to e part of this process, but your husband won’t. You will have a biological connection that he will never get. If you adopt, he thinks now you’re on even playing field. One father in study though felt he overcame this by creating a strong bond with his child. That he could see himself in his child since they mimicked his gestures.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6702384/
On a different point of view, I was an egg donor several years ago. (Funny story, I almost typed sperm donor – just now lol). Some people say they cannot be egg donors because they feel too connected to their children, born or not. They would always be wondering if they’re safe, cared for, loved more or less than I, etc…
So, what your husband says, kind of makes sense and I think that’s a fair way to feel. I also think it’s incredibly honest and selfless to admit that. So, I’d be glad that he trusts you enough to be honest with you, instead of going through with something that could later cause resentment or struggles.
If my husband and I were in this predicament I would personally, adopt.
However, I’d also make this a point of discussion to determine if he’s feeling insecure, in general, about not being able to provide biological children, and maybe therapy would be helpful in that regard.
Please go see a Reproductive Therapist to help you work through these issues.
This is tough and more complicated obviously, but it seems to me like he’s being a little selfish. He’s thinking “I’d rather have a child that’s not biologically ours at all, than have one that has half my *wife’s* DNA.”
Adoption is a beautiful thing too, don’t get me wrong. But if he has the chance to have a child that shares the genes from his wife whom he loves dearly, wouldn’t he want to know that he’ll always have that part of her living and breathing?
I’ll preface this with I’m a man. With that being said, I’m not following his logic. Seems to me like he is saying if he can’t, you can’t.
I think it is a situation where it is all or nothing, whether you both agree to use a doner or adoptit has to be a join decision you both are 100% behind or you can do it as there will be lots of external pressure from either decision. Good luck
I can understand his point of view. It’s one of those things that some could say it’s not completely fair. But I think these emotions run deep and you can’t just turn it off when it’s something of this magnitude.
If it were me, I’d opt to adopt. Again, that’s just me.
If I were in your shoes, I’d go for donor sperm and if he’s not on board I’d go it alone. Adoption doesn’t replace the desire for a biological child. It’s valid to want to see yourself and your family in your kid. And it’s devastating that your husband won’t get that. But saying you can’t if he can’t is pretty immature and something I couldn’t tolerate.
I would look at it differently. He is not competing with you to see who can love the kids more, he is teaming with you to provide the kids with as much love as possible. If he loves you then he should be able to love kids that are biologically yours more than he can love kids that were born to two strangers.
I’ve been in your husbands shoes. And at the beginning of our process, i was absolutely adamant against using donor sperm.
However after some counseling, therapy, and most importantly *TIME* as well as my wife not pressuring me,i was a lot more receptive to using donor sperm. We now have a 3 month old conceived via donor sperm.
This isn’t to tell you that your husband could go down this route, but i will say let your husband grieve the loss of his genetics on his terms first, then proceed. It’s a huge blow to anyone telling them they can’t have children but especially men because there’s no substitute.
Would he be open to donor embryos? Where neither one of you are biologically related to the child however you could still get the experience of being pregnant, carrying a child to term, and the likes.
Neither one of you are “wrong”. Both feelings regarding are valid. Make it about you two solving the situation at hand together rather than a competing one. Check our r/maleinfertility and if your husband wants to talk to someone about it going through what he’s going through, there’s plenty of us there that will.
Best of luck
It’s kind of strange but pregnancy is good for a woman’s body( trust me i know lots of bad things can happen to a woman during pregnancy and delivery) it also sets you up so you can nurse. It’s an experience, that i think every woman should have if she wants it. You might resent not getting to have the experience of pregnancy and labor and birth. If you want more than one maybe pregnancy and adoption. 🤷♀️
We have 2 daughters both biologically my husbands but we used an egg donor for the second. I love them equally. I know it’s a little different since I actually birthed a child from a donor and your husband would be kind of left out of the equation but I think he is being very selfish. I think you need to decide how important it is to you to have the experience of being pregnant and birthing a child. Obviously adoption is a beautiful experience too but he shouldn’t take an experience away from you just because he’s jealous.
So with his logic, an adopted child will be loved less (since he can’t love a non-biological child as much), but if BOTH of you love them less it’s somehow better because you are on an even playing field?
Or perhaps he’s saying he would love an adopted child MORE, because with a donor he would constantly be looking at the child and thinking about how someone else was able to give you what he couldn’t?
I would think logically he would still be able to deeply love a child carried by his wife… But the thing is, this is an issue full of deep-rooted emotions, and emotions aren’t always logical. Adoption is also a perfectly valid option, but you both have to be on board whatever you choose. I would strongly suggest talking with someone (reproductive therapist, etc….) to help you both navigate this together. Best of luck!
This may sound weird but I’ll go ahead and be honest. The reason I couldn’t go for a sperm donor is because it would feel very much to me like another man was inside my wife.
And even though they wouldn’t have had sex, there is still a real sense in which he would have been there, leaving part of himself inside my wife. I feel that kind of connection should be reserved only be me and her since we’re monogamous.
Call me weird or whatever you want but I don’t think I could get past feeling like another person was now part of our marriage that wasn’t supposed to be there. And being a chronic overthinker I’d begin feeling like there’s a man out there who has a special bond with my wife (and her child) that I could never share.
Adoption would be better since we would both be giving a home to a child in need and creating a family together.