For the 40+ year old men. How hard was it for you to start over after a long term relationship?

17 comments

1. Following this as I’m in this exact situation. I want to be single for a couple of years to learn to be comfortable with my own company and work on myself emotionally

2. Depends if you want to start a family again. If so, you should aim for a younger woman.
   Rule of thumb ks half the age + 7, so 27 if you can.

3. Not yet there but the 40yo dudes I know who are in this predicament just focus on themselves and not bother with dating.

4. 50/50 on starting one last long term relationship. Been trying and it’s harder now than when you’re 20 for sure.

5. I went through this back in 2018. I was 38, my ex and I had been together since we were 19 and 18, so getting back to the dating world was fascinating to say the least. We didn’t have kids (thank god) so I had far fewer complications than someone with a family to deal with. Once we decided to divorce I kept myself busy by hitting the gym hard and taking up new interests like running. It helped pass the time, make new friends, and got me into the best shape of my life. I also started dating casually, just to go out and see if I could. It was weird but fun to just meet new people, share stories and see if any were worth connecting with. I also got back to doing things I loved that my ex did not, like going to concerts and going to new places. Another big help was talking to a counselor, something I started before my ex and I split. Having that resource while going through the mess of ending the marriage was a massive help.

   A few months after the divorce was finalized, I met my girlfriend via online dating. We’ve been together ever since, going on 5 years in July.

   I had plenty of cause to isolate, feel angry or depressed about my situation and what went down, but if I had, life definitely would have passed me by. I’m glad I took a different path and I’m far happier now having done that.

6. Liberating. A second shot at a life of happiness.

7. Lol. I’ll never be in a “relationship” again. It’s just not worth it. I just look for friends with benefits. As far as living with someone or getting married again that would be a hard pass for me.

8. I was married for 17 years and divorced just before my 40th birthday. It took me a year or so to find my stride, know what I want, and work on myself so that I’m not dumping my shit on her. But I found it surprising how easily I slid into single dating life. I’m 46 now and honestly it’s so much fun.

9. Hit the gym, build a social circle if you lost or neglected it when you were in the relationship.

10. Very easy actually…. felt like a fox in the hen house!

    Edit: was in the same monogomous relationship from the age of 18 to 39 so I never had those years of exploration when I was younger so I took full advantage of it once I left.

11. It harder now because I still date women in their 30s.

12. I mean, I’ve never been married, and I have no kids. So it’s not like my finances are trashed after a messy divorce or custody hearing or having to find a new apartment. All I’ve ever done is break up (or get dumped) after about 2 or 3 years of dating.

    Strange thing is, though, even though I know all the steps to this dance – be sad-sack and rely on substances for a bit, then wise up, hit the gym, start doing solo stuff or things you weren’t allowed to do while dating, keep it up and wait awhile until you meet the next one – it does seem to get harder the older I get. I don’t know if it’s just me getting older and less good-looking than I was, or I’m more set in my ways/less willing to put up with dating bullshit, or the 40-something cohort just doesn’t exist because you’re supposed to be married and with kids at this age, but it’s harder now than it ever was. The options I had just aren’t around anymore. And the single people I meet, well… there’s a good reason they find themselves single at this age. I assume I’m in that category too, but it sure doesn’t feel like it.

13. I’ve had to reboot my life twice now after failed marriages.

    Honestly…I think it’s easier to get back on your feet when you don’t have weight hanging on your neck.

    My lesson learned the hard way: many men don’t care what a woman does for a living or how much money she makes. I say that you should care quite a bit about that! Moving forward, a lady’s financial fitness will be a huge factor in my criteria

14. Trying to start again relationship wise bothers me far less than trying to get a bloody mortgage at 40+

15. I will be 50 this year. I started over at 35 years old. Back then I had the energy to find a new partner and I did just that.

    If my wife didn’t want to be with me any longer at this point in life. I would take sometime. Probably 8 to 10 years and just co exist for my children until they became adults. Then I would invest sometime into getting back out there to meet a partner. I wouldn’t want to die lonely.

16. I’m 39 but will answer anyway since my divorce was fairly recent. I met somebody terrific pretty early after and the ‘rebound effect’ was incredible in getting me through the emotional turmoil of feeling inadequate as a result of being divorced. In that sense, it felt amazing and was not hard at all to ‘start over’ emotionally in the sense of starting a new romantic relationship.

    The major caveat is – this does not mean you are done dealing with the emotional fallout of the prior one. It will sometimes just hit you at random times no matter how well you’ve started over. Most mental health professionals will tell you not to focus on dating but yourself for the first year after a divorce, I don’t know why any long-term relationship would be different simply because there wasn’t a certificate or a ceremony, but I had an opportunity that felt too good to pass up and am glad I didn’t. There is still lingering trauma from the prior one, though.

    TL;DR – You can start over pretty easily, but that doesn’t mean the past stays dead.

17. At first it was hard, now it’s hard to. If you are invested then it’s hard. If your not then it’s easy. The older you get the lest likely you get invested cause of all the learning we’ve done.