90% of the time I’ve been talking to a woman for a week or two I invite them to dinner, and most of them become instantly not interested and back off. If I invite them to hang out they seem more likely to comply. I’m 41 years old, I’m I missing something in the dating world?

37 comments

  1. > most of them became instantly interested

    Do you mean instantly *dis*interested?

    —

    Overall, dinner and movie is a bigger ask than just coffee or a walk. Most people who meet online like having a low-stakes short first date to get an irl look at each other and see if there’s anything “off” or potentially dangerous about someone.

    Also, idk how movie dates became a go-to first date. 2 hours where you can’t talk or look at each other? Not the most fun or revealing of compatibility/incompatibility

  2. Dinner and a move is like a 4-5hour first date. It’s not about tradition it’s about investing that much time in someone when you don’t know anything about them (or even if they look like their pictures). I think many women like traditional dinner dates, but a film is just a terrible way to get to know someone. I don’t want to sit in the dark with a stranger for 2 hours and I would be immediately disinterested too (even though I love the cinema).

  3. Im a poor student and here the bill usually goes 50-50 unless the other person really wants to treat so thats why coffee and walk are better for me, otherwise I would like dinner if I had more money.

  4. Going to a movie with a near-stranger is uncomfortable. You don’t learn anything about the other person for those three hours. And then you have to navigate if you’re holding hands, if they’re trying to cuddle you, if they try to make out with you. And it’s in a social situation in which it’s hugely frowned upon to speak aloud so it’s harder to set boundaries.

    Movies are a fun date when you know somebody and you both want to get cuddly.

  5. Start with coffee and chit chat at first.
    Maybe dinner and chit chat next- find out what interests her and work date number 3 around that.
    The movie is good once you guys have gotten to know each other. But to sit next to someone who i just met, for hours plus dinner, that is looooong thing after a long day.
    Plus, what if your date like slurps their soda, smacks thwir gum, burps, on their cell, makes annoying people sounds? you still have dinner planned. and the ride home🙄🤯
    Don’t worry about jump to intimacy. Worry if you can enjoy their company without intimacy first😁😉

  6. Do not go to movies on dates.

    Like don’t.

    Movie dates are for when you’re established as a couple NOT when you’re trying to get to know someone.

    Movie dates are literally the worst date you could do in the early stages.

    Come on man

  7. Dinner is hit and miss depending on the woman, but personally I (31M) don’t like sit down food on a first date. Offers no get-out for either party if things turn sour without gross embarrassment, can be expensive and eating with a stranger is just fucking weird.

    Bar and a few snacks, though? Hell yeah.

    As far as movies go… What’s the point? What engagement between two people is there in a movie beyond the stereotype of horny teenagers not even watching the thing? You’re just sat there in silence (If you’re not, everyone else thinks you’re a wanker btw) for an hour and a half at least, finding out nothing about each other beyond cinema etiquette. Not that that’s unimportant but it comes later.

    Combining the two in one night with an early-days date? Sounds like hell to most people mate. A lot of time, a lot of potential awkwardness.

    Especially in the internet driven dating world people want low-pressure, low-stakes for the first date more often than not because unlike dating in times gone by, they know fuck all about you beyond what you write about yourself, which could very easily be lies.

  8. While I am a traditionalist, I am not someone who would want a movie on an early date. I want something active. Depends on the person, but anything from hiking to billiards to a board game. But, I shouldn’t play Scrabble. I am too competitive on that game. “Try not to think of a good word here”…

  9. Movie dates are a terrible first date. You can’t talk to each other.

    As for going out to dinner for a first date, it’s a matter of personal preference. You might meet them and then realise in the first 5 minutes that you have nothing in common. Then you have to sit through an uncomfortable dinner. If I did a dinner date, I would choose somewhere casual, at least for a first date.

    Which is why coffee dates are popular. It’s casual. There’s no stress. Nobody owes anyone anything. Maybe it will lead to someone else. Maybe it won’t. Any woman who turns down a coffee date, because it’s “low effort” is probably not someone I would want to date.

  10. Movies are a terrible date. You literally can’t talk and get to know each other my guy. I’m 35M btw

  11. No why would they ? But movies are bad for the first couple dates. You have to sit quietly next to someone for two hours. The first couple dates are getting to know you better scenario. I would save the movie for date 3 .

  12. Where are you? I don’t understand this “hanging out” stuff. I would prefer a traditional date but guys don’t do that anymore.

  14. You’ve gotten the answers I would have given you had I seen your post earlier. Movies aren’t great (imo) for a date because you can’t talk or get to know the person. You’ve emphasized a few times that the movie is AFTER the date…there are billions of people in the world. Many women would be open to a movie after the meal/coffee and many wouldn’t be. If a movie is your style, be yourself and ask.

    I did go on a date once with a guy and we walked at an outdoor modern art museum/arboretum after we picked up coffees in the cafe. He said towards the end of the walk, I’m having a great time, how about dinner? When I said yes and dinner was wrapping he asked me about going to the candy store across the street for dessert and seeing a movie. chemistry was there I was game for it. I loved that he was direct, his intention was clear and I could easily tell we both were having a great time. I actually don’t even enjoy the theatre (I go once every 5 years at the most!) but I had a lovely, romantic night and got to know a lot about him and genuinely enjoyed the movie.

    I would turn down an offer for dinner AND a movie to a stranger on a dating app, but I’ll always be open to dates extending when there’s awesome chemistry. And, if my schedule doesn’t allow for extending the date, a rain check is a nice way to say, “I’d like to see you again”.

  15. I would immediately be turned off by a movie for a first date. We’re on a date to get to know each other, not stare at a screen.

  17. I would like a dinner date. My current relationship started with dinner and our second date was dinner and a movie 😆 I’m 39. Maybe younger people are afraid of traditional dating and commitment for whatever reason.

  18. First date: coffee.

    Second date: ONE drink after work.

    Third date: picnic in the park.

    Dinner and a movie is bullshit, because who wants to try to talk with you when their mouth is full of food? Movie? You don’t have time to talk to one another at the movies!

    Don’t spend a ton of money on a woman before you get to know her. Make it a low pressure date, and she is far more likely to be OK with it.

  19. I hate watching movies in theatre. Especially on early dates. We can’t talk. I get fidgety and want to pee. It feels kinda awkward. Dinner yea but I’d rather a walk after or something. 🙂

  20. A movie is not a good choice for a first date. You want to be in a setting where you can talk and see each other.

    A simple ‘coffee’ date is good for a first date. My choice is to meet between the two coffee shops, the ice cream store and the board walk. Lots of choices. The second date would be lunch, or an informal place to continue talking.

  21. I would take it without even thinking. 25F here! Maybe because you live in big city? Where people very hustling?

  22. Movies are a bad idea for a date and dating suicide for a first date, its no surprise they lose interest

    “Hey, I like you. Let’s do an activity where we just sit together and watch something where we can’t move or talk to each other for a couple of hours.”

    It doesn’t matter what came before or after it; you do movies when you’re in relationships or in rare exceptions when you two are both diehard fans of the movie.

    Dinners are dull and make dates feel like interviews.

    You want to maintain interest? Do an activity with them (that’s worked for me when I was dating.)

  23. People here don’t get that dinner and a movie was the go-to date for ages and don’t understand that’s likely your reasoning considering your age.

    The flaking thing is a internet and I guess “nowadays” thing. Also the “less risky” ask of something simple like coffee gets the same results. Been there, idk what the solution is.

  26. Coffee or drinks on a first date to get to know each other for just an hour or so. Dinner and/or a movie is too much too soon. If it doesn’t work, then you both lost just an hour and you lost a few bucks.

  28. First date is coffee or tea. I want to get to know the person to see if there is a spark.

    Second date is an activity. Go for a walk. Go bowling. Go to the zoo. Something that gets them in public to see how they are around other people and to see how they are around you while doing something together.

    Third date is lunch or dinner with a movie or some activity after lunch/dinner. They’ve made it this far. There must be a spark at this point. This is the “classic” type of date. You can observe your date see how they treat the wait staff and see if your eating habits match (if they’re a super picky eater or have severe dietary restrictions). The movie after the date is to see what type of pop culture/art they’re into. You can ask them questions about the movie afterwards to see if they have an analytical mind or they just say “I liked it”.

    I’m 35 and been using this outline since I was in college.

  29. I’m 42, and I’m not interested in such a long and involved first date. These days getting a coffee and having a chat is good because you don’t have to stick out the whole 3-4 hour experience of dinner and a movie if it turns out you aren’t a match. Because if you are a match, coffee can turn into a walk which can turn into dinner, etc.

  30. so here’s it. As a girl, I don’t want to commit that amount of time to a guy I’m not sure about yet. On a first date I just want to be able to have the ability to pull the quick release cord, if I need to. It’s unfortunately because a number of guys end up being straight up jerks. So if I commit to a 3 course meal AND a movie, I’m going to feel obligated to see it through.

    Most usually I know that if it’s just coffee, or something that can be as short as it needs to be with the option of turning into something longer, I’m more likely to be interested in the meet.

    A movie is difficult for a first date, you have to sit in a dark place, and you don’t get to interact, you have to pay attention to the piece of art you paid to see for 90 – 150 minutes. It doesn’t give us a real opportunity to scope you out, so often that’s going to be a hard pass for a first date.

    If a guys’ really nice … heck yeah we want that dinner, we’ll even split the check so you don’t feel like it’s all on you.

    : ) Ask us to coffee first, please. (I hope sharing my perspective will help you understand you’re not doing anything wrong, and help you get to a point where your coffee dates can turn into the dinners and the movies eventually)

  31. As a 33 years old female I would normally shut down a diner date as a first date. It’s too long if we dont hit it off. There is nothing like an awkard long diner with someone you dont know. I like drinks or coffee. If it goes well we can go for a walk or something after coffee or get more drinks. If it doesn’t, i can fuck off after one drink lol. It’s just lots of pressure and most of us would rather just hang out to see if we get along well.
    Diner AND a movie?? Forget it!!!!!

  32. Did you come here to ask advice or for validation of your date idea? everyone who has tried to give you legitimate reasons you just defend your terrible first date idea

  33. I love dinner and a movie after is ok if we have a connection. Continue to be yourself and do what feels right. If the person is interested they can make a suggestion that works for them as well. Dating has become overly complicated, just continue to so what works for you so you can meet some who matches your likes n dislikes.

  34. I don’t think none of this has to do with “modern women”. But rather, women who are tired of being accused of using men for free meals, listening to men bitch about women who used them, feeling obligated to stick out a long dinner date with a man who is being a creep or rude, etc. etc.

  35. No? I dont like movie as first date. U cant talk much. But dinner is always good..yknow breaking bread.. but youre 41, im 24 so idk if older women feel differently, i dont see what’s wrong w dinner tho

    Sometimes ppl online wanna flirt or have validation but dont necessarily wanna go out. Or maybe youre asking them for dinner too fast without building rapport.

    Personally i dont like cofee dates, theyre boring and ive done job interviews at coffee shops before so it just feels kinda sterile to me .

  36. These kind of questions quite simply don’t have a definitive answer. It depends entirely on the woman. You need to know the woman enough to know what she would like. Me and my fiance’s first date ended up being meeting for a couple pints on a nice hot day, we went to the arcade and ended up playing the basketball game which we now do every time we end up in an arcade, and then we went to the cinema and watched a movie. Now we only planned to go for a drink in the day. The rest was never the plan, but we just had a good enough time that we kept going. It was great. Would I have ever ended up doing that with someone else? Probably not. But it’s what we ended up doing. Some women would be okay with dinner and a movie, some women would want something different. Find out what she herself would enjoy.

  37. I dunno why most of you keep saying it’s easier to exit the date if having coffee. I find that having dinner is easier because after you eat, it’s done automatically and the bill comes sometimes even if u don’t ask for it. I’ve gone on a tea date before as I don’t drink coffee and the guy keeps talking on and on long after I finished my drink and I dunno how to cut him off and say to go now. At least for dinner and movie I’m doing something less boring and I’m not looking at him having to talk non stop the whole time!

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