Hung over the past

I don’t know if this should be in the psychology section or over here. Anyhow here it goes.

Had my first real relationship almost 4 years ago. Didn’t last more than 6 months. Mostly because I (m22 then) was a massive codependent bitch and she (f18 then) was a total in control boss lady. Not to get in to why and how it happened but long story short I suffocated her a lot and she was also insensitive (as a result or by default both) and she ended things. I tried to convince her like a little bitch and then went off the radar. She didn’t let me off easy either.

4 years down the line, I’ve become a version of myself I’m super proud of. I have my way around women much better. Self esteem is where it should be. I’ve interacted with so many women and had chances with women who I’d admit are better than her in a lot of regards. But somehow I always end up trying to find her in the women I meet. I know she’s not coming back because she’s with someone else (I can’t stalk her she’s not on my socials but someone told me).
It’s come to the point where I can’t think of anything with a woman apart from sex or friendship (I don’t agree with that model personally but hey, a man has his needs). I hate it. Its bad for me and the women than come in my life (despite me being completely honest about my intentions).

During these four years, I was with someone for almost a year and it didn’t work out because eventually I started missing my ex
(Lord I knew she’d secretly be proud of this, she wasn’t the best person in terms of certain things, but hey, who doesn’t wanna feel wanted). I did however, let me last ex go slowly so she doesn’t feel completely ghosted. We had proper conversations (of course I didn’t tell her about my ex part). It was a factor of being suffocated as well like my first ex was. This time I was the one who couldn’t take it but I handled it decently.

Anyhow, ever since, I can’t connect with any woman. She’s still on my mind everyday since I was with her except for the brief period of time where I was a little distracted.

I’ve had mental health issues but I feel like I’m in a stabler place now that my career and everything seems to be getting better.

However, this had gotten very annoying. I might be writing this nonchalantly but I know what demons I have to fight every-time I’m alone. NOT ONE day goes without it. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s breaking down to almost cry but can’t worse.
I did contact her a few times. During these four years. It was just cold talks hey how you doing (I didn’t wanna let my guards down but she knew what was up). One time she contacted me when I was in a relationship just to ask how I’m doing. Out of loyalty I didn’t respond properly. After breaking up with my last ex I did contact her but somehow she blocked me. Later I found out about the new guy. Eitherway, I wasn’t stalking her or anything.

Now she’s been out of my life for more than a year completely. No contact no nothing. No idea what’s going on in her life. No bait for myself to be lured in.
But God damn it. I don’t wanna be like this the rest of my life.

I read somewhere that if you’re obsessed with someone like that, it means you have some underlying desires you associate with that person. I can’t think of anything and I need to heal from this to be happy and move on with my life. I don’t wanna say that I still love her because I’ve kinda grown from that. I just wanna forget her man. Why’s this shit so hard.

TL;DR, still hung up over ex from 4 years ago and and it’s hurting my current life.