My girlfriend and I got into a relationship very seriously during COVID. After about a year, we broke it off (she broke it off) during a period of severe depression, as she said she felt we had become emotionally distant; she has told me since that she did it also because it felt like the one thing she had control over. Our sex life had also really taken a hit, which she blamed on the lack of emotional intimacy and I blamed on some combination of her depression and my admittedly poor flirtation / seduction skills. I love her very much and never wanted to break up. After the breakup, I started going to therapy which has been great (she has been in it for a long time), and have learned a lot about myself and recognized patterns that were hurting the relationship.
After about 2 months apart we decided to give it another shot. A major focus was going to be on reigniting the physical chemistry, as everything else was really going well—we have really opened up emotionally, to the point that’s she no longer thinks we have any issues with emotional intimacy, and we always have fun doing whatever it is we do. Hiking, camping, cooking, etc., are great activities for us, we help each other with work issues, give advice, etc. As she told me when we broke up: “it’s not like we’ve ever not had a good time together.”
Now unfortunately just after we got back together (or decided to try) she had a major family health emergency and has become a primary caretaker for a family member, not in our city. I’ve been taking care of the dog, and visiting for the day when I can. But it’s meant that although we talk all the time and have really deep and meaningful conversations and both really love each other, we haven’t been able to explore physical intimacy. She is extremely stressed between working remotely and caring for her relative, and is also processing some serious sexual trauma from a past relationship. So, to me, it totally makes sense that she is not in a place where sex is a high priority, and I (who find her extremely attractive) am fine being patient and helping her however I can. We’ve started seeing (remotely) a couples therapist.
However, sometimes she has said that she just doesn’t know if she is generally feeling non sexual or just isn’t attracted to me any more (though she once was). She also claims that she really wants fo be attracted to me and has basically devoted her spare time to devouring a library of books of female sexual attraction to figure out what’s “wrong” with her. My basic position is that we love each other very much and have all sorts of things we like to do together, and if this is a thing that she things is general and not specific to me, I am patient, happy to work through it with her in whatever way she wants, in and out of therapy, etc. But if it’s actually just that she’s not that into me, maybe we break it off and stay friends rather than deal with what has become a major frustration—for both of us.
How do we go about figuring this out? How long do we wait? What can we do? We are both looking for a serious life partnership and except for the sex thing think that this could be it. As I said, we have a great time together, share values, get along well with families, etc
TLDR: my partner is either not feeling sexual or just isn’t into me; how do we figure this out and decide whether to move on?
1 comment
Unfortunately I don’t think you can really help with the figuring out part; I think it’s down to her to decide if she does find you sexually attractive or not. That’s not something you can force either way and it doesn’t sound like it’s something you can pressure her on at the moment since she’s under a lot of pressure elsewhere. I think it’s a case of being patient and hopeful; but I think most people would understand if you felt you couldn’t wait for her decision.