So to preface this- as long as I’m fine, he’s great to be around usually. And even when I have occasional panic attacks he’ll at least go on walks with me. It’s when shit really hits the fan (my relatives or friends dying, something goes horribly wrong that has nothing to do with him or if I get really sick) that’s when he just doesn’t have it in him to be supportive or comforting. In fact, he’s usually the opposite…. If I bring up something really painful for me, he almost immediately gets frustrated or angry, or turns the convo around so it’s all about him and his problems, and then gets mad at me if I don’t have the energy to just sit and agree with or comfort him (usually because something majorly bad just happened in my life…) we’ve been together for 5 1/2 years and he’s always been this way, even tho we’ve talked about it and I’ve asked if he could work on it
I tell him “look, if you want to talk about your life problems, or gripes with me, I’m 100% down and genuinely want to know if I’m doing something wrong/if something’s bothering you; but you always decide the time to have these discussions is when I come to you for support about my own personal stuff”, To that he says “well I never think about this stuff until you bring up your stuff..” so I say that’s not my fault and that he should work to identify this stuff sooner and discuss it at a different time. Then I usually find myself exhausted and tell him I’m sorry I don’t have the energy and I’m going upstairs. Which either ends in him ignoring me for the rest of the night or raging at me.
Now I just isolate when something bad happens and I’m looking for support, and I’m starting to wonder if that makes this a dealbreaker? It’s hard tho because when things are fine he’s very easygoing and we get along without any issue. 🤔 but it’s just so much easier to be alone when I’m struggling, because I know if I talk to
him about it‘ll make everything worse
2 comments
It’s easy to be there for a partner when things are good. But the indicator of a healthy relationship is whether they can support you during hard times.
I had to double-check your ages because this is a problem I expect from a 20 year old, not someone who is 35. The bottom line is that he seems unwilling/incapable of working on this. I think you should decide what to do under the assumption that he won’t change. Are you ok with a partner who cannot give you the most basic emotional support?
Agreed, he has shown you he is incapable of being a real support for you in a real emotionally intense situation.
You should not be avoiding your FIANCE when you are hurt and looking for compassion.
Sadly, many guys are not taught empathy or how to respond and they respond with anger or deflection. It’s easier than them having to deal with your emotions – something they can’t control. It’s really sad.
Is he open to couples counselling? If not, you should probably go on your own anyway to help with your anger/grief, and to help you determine if this is a relationship you can keep and feel supported in some way. Good luck.