I (M29) and my gf (26) have been together for going on 5 years. There have been some rocks in the road as expected in a ~5 year relationship. But recently she has been cutting a lot of friends off and some of these people are mutual friends we knew before getting together/ kind of how we ended up together. We are both from the same general area. Every time she gets her feelings hurt in the slightest; ex: someone hangs out with someone she cut off, she also cuts them off. It’s spiraling quickly and she demands I cut most of these people off as well. If it’s warranted I follow through, but it’s starting to cause issues because she plays the field and spins the story to seem like she’s done nothing wrong in order to seemingly leverage people to her side because she’s “never” the one in the wrong. when in reality she can overact or read a situation wrong.
I don’t know how to handle telling her she’s isolating us from everyone. I have silently missed out on some of my oldest friends major events (engagements/weddings, college graduations, baby showers/ announcements) because people she doesn’t like were more than likely going to be there.
I always have to have my guard up and be ready to leave public places if we run into people she doesn’t want to be around. I’ve tried to talk to her about some of these instances and she always tells me I need to put her feelings first but what about mine?
When we first got together I noticed she was pretty sensitive but I figured she would get tougher skin as we got older and that doesn’t seem to be the case. And to be clear, I’m no saint. I caused problems at the beginning of this relationship and am openly apologetic and admitting to that in order to progress and heal. But I’m worried I’m not being met half way and if this continues we will be real life hermits for the sake of how she feels and I’m too social of a person to live that way.
6 comments
I can empathize with your situation. I had an ex who had poor social boundaries, and would either cut people out for simply living their life or not cut out those who were severely harming her. It seemed as if she was self-sabotaging her emotional well-being by taking things personally as a way to gain sympathy and clout among others, and due to general low self-esteem and a somewhat righteous personality.
Fortunately in my case, one day I was the one that she cut out, and with the veil lifted and me finally putting the pieces together I took the opportunity and got out of that relationship for good. I was tired of being the one apologizing to friends or trying to be a voice of reason.
What I’m saying here is that you’re fully aware of her self-isolating attitude, and you’re slowly being isolated as a result. Are you maintaining friend groups? Are you allowed to be your own person and have your own friendships? Will you be prepared if one day she decides that you’ve slighted her and then you’re the final cut?
You’ve tried to talk to her about it and based on her response, it’s only a matter of time before you cross her ever changing boundary lines. Also, having a parent that takes everything so personally is a recipe for disaster if you are contemplating having children with her.
My ex best friend was very similar to your girlfriend in how she managed (or didn’t) friendships. I saw her outright *hate* so many people for such trivial things. Her MIL bought her an ugly Christmas gift and she took it as a personal attack on her taste. One person who had once made a goofy joke. Somebody who had “not respected her”, though of course I heard only one side of that story. One time a person couldn’t make it to a random holiday party. Looking back, it seem so so naive of me to think that wasn’t coming for me.
Spoiler alert: it did. One day, she asked me how I was doing and I said, with absolutely nothing but the best intentions, “I’m fine”. That was it. Friendship of years-over. She took that as a “fuck you”, and without giving me any chance to talk to her, apologize, or explain how I meant it, she cut me off.
If your girlfriend can’t grow up, mature in how she handles conflict in relationships, and learn to admit the part she plays in these incidents, your relationship will be the cut one of these days.
This sounds like a personality disorder
Bail. She is showing you who she is. Believe her. No need to make apologies for her. You see the behavior with your own two eyes. You don’t need her or anyone else’s approval to validate your feelings and your reality. You know the answer here already. This isn’t salvageable. Relationships are at the foundation of a healthy and balanced life. We are social creatures.
People that appear to be sensitive are usually only sensitive to themselves. There is no regard for anyone else. This is what she is doing to you too. As long as you toe the line, you are on her side.