I [F25] have a “friend” [M24] of about 5 years, who used to be probably the most important person in the world to me, and I was probably 3rd most important to him in his life, behind his family.
But we recently had a catastrophic and traumatic experience together that I think forever and permanently damaged the friendship.
We’ve been much more distant than we used to be, and I know he’s got a lot of shit going on in his life, and he’s literally going on holiday in 2 days, so I can’t bring myself to break off our relationship and drop that on him just before he leaves for a week??
But what’s the other option, say nothing for 10 days, be in constant misery and anguish waiting for him to get back and then tell him?
But then if I wait 10 days, why not wait a month, and then another after that? And then can’t you still be friends? Can’t you make it up and be close again? But then you know it’s not true, it’s not possible.
That doesn’t seem healthy to me, and tbh I’m lost and don’t know what the right thing to do is
TL;DR: if you’re cutting someone off, should you do it immediately, or hold off until you know its more convenient for both parties?
10 comments
Tbh it feels immature to me to say “I’m cutting you off” in general – it stokes confrontation. This to me reads like you want conflict/resolution regarding your relationship rather than really accomplish anything. Let him go on holiday, take time to think about it, and give it some distance. That “cut off” will probably happen naturally as you stop investing in the relationship.
Are you seeing a therapist for whatever happened?
I would wait until his trip is over, but I’m not you and it wouldn’t bother me each and every day until I cut him off.
It seems like you’re very fixated on this person and your relationship with him as a big part of your trauma and healing process. You need to remove this person from your healing process right now. You don’t need to think about him for ten more days or even ten more minutes. Whatever he does is his business, whatever you do is yours. Focus on healing yourself and don’t reach out to him. Having a conversation about ending the relationship at this time is just adding insult to injury and possibly souring a relationship you could otherwise look back on fondly. Take your space. Only have the conversation if he prompts it and even then your message should be a goodbye note not a conversation. This is what you need right now. And yes, get into therapy. If something is traumatizing enough that you need to cut off the most important person your life it’s traumatizing enough to need therapy for.
cant you just… stop engaging?
imho the best way to cut someone out is to fully grey rock and fade out.
why does it need to be a confrontation?
edit: i saw you say in a different post:
> Try to hold back grief and pain every day, try to pretend everything ok and hunky dory, until one day both parties just drift apart?
you really dont have to pretend anything is ok. correctly using the above method you should barely be interacting, if at all. just be very unresponsive and decline any offers to meet up in any way (preferably several days after the offer is even given).
Yeah, you’re in a state of confusion because you’re mind and your distorted ego is trying to convince you to do something that your heart doesn’t want.
There’s nothing wrong with leaving things as they are until both have cleared their confusion and find clarity.
The only reason you feel unsettled about not knowing the status of your relationship is your fear triggering you to be controlling and wanting things to go the way you want just so you can feel better, which regardless of what you choose, it will do little to help.
Look at why you had that conflict in the first place. Likely due to egos and control issues
What difference would waiting make? Is he going to be lessening you the whole time he’s gone and you just have stands the thought of that?
Did he do something that makes you not want to have a final goodbye conversation?
Unless you’re worried about your safety or his involvement with you over vacation will be mental abuse just wait and have a conversation that allows him to share his side.
I know you want to do the honourable thing – if the friendship is over you want to be upfront to save wasting anyone’s time.
It’s also ok to let it naturally fade. You stop sending him messages or checking in because you genuinely don’t feel the urge to. If and when he contacts you, don’t message him back right away if it makes you uncomfortable. See how you feel, maybe you message back a few days later or not at all.
You don’t need to rush into shutting the door. Let it cool down, get some time and distance between you. You might find he doesn’t contact you and you don’t contact him.
If he does message you, it’s ok to wait a week and then respond casually e.g. ‘hey X, it’s been a while. It’s been on my mind and I think it’s good for us to take a break from the friendship for a while. I wish you the best and thank you for the good times.’
End it positively with appreciation and well wishes.
>I was probably 3rd most important to him in his life, behind his family.
Give him space and cutting off seems immature and premature to me. He’s giving you a different priority than you give him so I’d suggest you lay off for a while. If he still wants you in his life he’ll contact you.
It seems to me like you have trauma you don’t know how to deal with, and that you’ve tied the idea of ending the friendship to the assumption that that will make things better and help you heal. _Is_ it like that? Or do you feel like you owe him closure to this friendship by virtue of your common past? Or do you want to prevent him confronting you if you try to do a fade-out? I’m having trouble understanding your thought process and expectations.
The post is vague, so I have no idea if he did something bad to you which would justify ending the friendship abruptly like this. But perhaps it’d be better if you redirected your attention towards other ways of dealing with your trauma, and left him be for the time he’s on vacation. Mute him on social media and messaging apps if you want. And then you can end the friendship when he returns, hopefully with a clearer mind.
I think you just stay distant, forever. Why does there need to be a grand declaration of “I’m cutting you off”? Can’t you just stop engaging with this person and let the relationship naturally die?