My partner (28m) and I (25f) have been together for 6 years now. We moved to another country together, have had our ups and downs but always came out alright. Lately, for about 6 months I’ve been feeling like i don’t want to be with him anymore.
For some background one of the biggest issues in our relationship is that I’ve always felt like he doesn’t do enough whereas he doesn’t think so. He comes from a very traditional family where women do all the cooking and cleaning and men work on the house or outside(he says he doesn’t know how to do a lot of things cooking or cleaning wise for example but we live in a rental so there’s nothing for him to do on the house and he hardly even takes care of the garden)and I was raised by a single mother so I’ve had to learn to do everything myself and I don’t want to live like that, I think it should be equal or at least he should know when to do things without me telling him. More and more I can hear myself nagging him and I hate it, I don’t want to have to tell him to clean up after himself or do the laundry when it’s full.(we live with housemates) Whether it’s cleaning, cooking, planning things I often feel like it’s all up to me, even making his appointments or calling people for him. For a while I didn’t mind it because he was making more money so he was paying for most things and I was home but now we both work jobs where we’re away a lot and make similar money. He’s been doing that for a couple of years and I’ve been in the same industry for a year now and we don’t see each other often, sometimes a week a month if that. Granted we don’t have similar hobbies and we’ve stopped doing things together and at times I think it’s my fault because more and more I feel like his mother and it’s put me off I think. When we’re both at home I often do my own thing or try to be in another room. I feel like we’re just roommates or friends.
I feel like I want to be independent, be on my own and figure out who I am because I lived with my family before moving countries and depended on my partner a lot over the years financially and eventually I was supposed to get a permanent residency with him. (I don’t have to leave the country straight away but without him I really have no option of staying over 3 more years.)
When I think about the future now I get excited but I’m also scared because I realise breaking up with him I’ll lose a lot including some friends, a car, the permanent residency, I’ll have to find another place to live and for those reasons I’ve been holding on for so long, which I know is selfish. The last time I was home I realised I feel nothing for him and can’t do this anymore. After I left for work I told him I want a break that this isn’t working anymore, he said he wants more intimacy and doesn’t see how a break will help. So we’re no contact til I get back home in a couple of days. During this time I’ve just felt like I have one less friend I can text and nothing more.(as heartless as it sounds) I don’t want to hurt him because I still care about him but i don’t see this relationship working anymore.
How do I go about having that conversation with him or make things easier for him? Should I try to still make it work to not waste the 6 years?
tldr: I think I’ve lost feelings for my partner of 6 years and don’t know how to end the relationship.
2 comments
If you don’t want to hurt him, stop wasting his time. You need to tell him exactly what you want from him and give him a chance to change. He may decide cleaning the bathroom is better than being without you. If his traditional values are more important than your relationship, get out. Allow him to find someone more compatible. You can get a new car. There are lots of nice countries to live it. Living an unhappy life is terrible, and it will be even worse on both of you if/when you find someone who does make you happy if you are still together.
Will some people think this is his fault here? Sure they will. But the reality is you’ve always known what kind of relationship he wanted. There were benefits for you when it started, but you don’t need those benefits as much anymore.
If you can talk to him and make him understand how you feel, then try to work it out. If he just refuses to change or see things from your perspective, then leave.
I’m in a 9yr long relationship where I’ve lost feeling for my partner but am financially tied to him so it’s hard to leave. I’m making a drastic choice to join the military in an attempt to be stationed away and make money to pay him back. Prior to the financial issue, I stayed for over a year because I like his family and because we had been together for 6/7 years but I just hate him more and myself for being unable to leave now.
My bf is abusive(mentally) so my situation is drastically different from yours. (As far as I can tell from this post) I would try to work it out if your relationship / partner is relatively healthy outside of this issue. If no compromise can be reached, I would leave.
If thinking about being separated brings you happiness and a sense of freedom, I feel like leaving would be for the better rather than staying just cause of how long you’ve already been together, that time will only get longer and if you decide later that you do want to leave and regret not doing it before, then you’ve spent more time in a situation where you’re not happy.