Guys think if the key to being successful in dating is to be a girl’s friend first. Nooooo. That’s how to get friendzoned. A girl knows within a few seconds if she’s attracted to you or not. So she either is or she isn’t. You don’t hang around waiting for her to warm up to you or stalk her until she changes her mind. You move on right away. “Persistence is the key” only worked in your great Grandpa’s day but now it makes you a stalker. If it even works she’s only going to dump you soon for someone she really wants as soon as he asks her out and she’s going to tell you “We can still be friends.”
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I get what you mean and yes this is correct. But there is a middle ground. I hate beeing too direct. It feels to pushy just dont talk about it. Just meet up and beheave like a love interest and not like i dont even know friend is part of a realtionship too but not only a friend.
But this “so we will date i dont need friends i need a husband” is for me too much. Something like “hey i like you would be nice to do something together just us two”. Is more then enough.
I mean one women once talked to me about “i only date you if you want to have children with me” 15 minutes after i talked to her at a bar. This is stuff is extreme but yeah dont be like that lol
Well maybe, but I do think sometimes attraction can develop as you get to know each other. That has happened to me before. There are definitely people I would have initially said no to but later changed my mind.
What about for the demisexual/demiromantics who are not attracted to someone’s physical beauty but rather only come to like someone after forming an emotional bond?
The advice given on these topics are often contradicting, it honestly depends on what the girl in question wants.
There are women that want to be friends first, I’ve met plenty myself. They either loathe being cold approached, or they want to vet the guy for some compatibility first… Or to see if they’re safe enough to be around. Plenty of couples have started out as friends.
There are also plenty of women that want their friends to remain friends. Then there are also plenty of women that just want to get men to stop bothering them by telling them to do neither and to just find a girl to date on dating apps.
I can’t really disagree with either of these takes, they have validity to them. However, all of these approaches can work. Men just have to take a chance on either one of these approaches, which ends up upsetting multiple factions in the long run.
Edit: how are you guys managing to reply to me when reddit mobile shows that this question got deleted?! I can’t figure out how to reply back, sorry.
This might be the dating culture where you come from, but that doesn’t make it universal. The fact is that most people are very unsuccessful in most of their relationships, and part of the reason for that is because of how quickly most people dismiss a potential pairing these days.
Persistence can pay off. My wife wasn’t interested in dating when I met her. I told her I was interested early on, but dating me was the last thing she had on her mind. Our mutual hobbies and shared work kept us close, and we spent time together nearly everyday. I stayed flirty with her, but never crossed her barriers. I also saw other people on the regular. I didn’t deprive myself of anything, but there was no one else like her. Not for me.
One day, everything just changed for her. She had finished her education and was ready to seriously pursue a relationship. Her walls came down and we had a very hot and heavy first year of dating. We got married in 2017, in our mid-twenties. I know we might be unusual, but it’s not like we’re dinosaurs.
Wrong. Every single relationship my dude has had, they were friends first. He’s never dated. And he was married 11 yrs. U can be friends without being persistent or a stalker.
Don’t you like get to know her a little before you strike?
literally not true. source: i’m a woman and most of the people i’ve had feelings were my friends first. stop saying these things as if they’re fact for every person ever lol
First it depends on the girl
Second many girls won’t start up dating you they would still like to know you a little ( you are trying to date her not fuck her )
This is so wrong lmao. You be their friend first and at least get to know them. Don’t jump the gun, or we’ll get creeped out.
I’m a girl and for me attraction comes after talking to a guy and after being her friend. This “advice” doesn’t work, most of the time the girl will just think that you’re a creep if you ask her to be your girlfriend atm you met her.
This is kinda true in my opinion. Sadly, for me, I can’t tell if I’m genuinely attracted to a woman until I get to know her.
I’ve been told a few times that women have lost interest because they weren’t sure I liked them. But in all those instances I wasn’t sure I liked them until they’d given up hope anyway.
I guess they’d rather I just asked them out and lost interest later after I realized I didn’t really like them. I’m not interested in playing that out every time…
Damn OP who hurt you?
I think this is a mixed bag.
Women CAN develop feelings for a guy over time but the reality is that you’re definitely gambling if you try to rely on this. Not only that, but the resentment from getting rejected might just end the friendship anyway.
I think it’s good advice because it avoids being manipulative and wasting people’s time, not because it can’t work.
Well, attraction can grow. A girl can tell within a second if she is physically attracted to you. But physical attraction can be quite shallow and is quite fickle. Fat grow, hair falls out, muscles can get flabby, skin conditions can happen, bodies scar, limbs can be lost.
A guy who asks you out right away only likes your body and your face because that is all he has had time to get to know of you. I always said no. Those guys were most likely just looking for sex.
80% of the guys I knew in my 40’s don’t look as good in their 20″s with few exceptions. And if a woman is physically attracted to a guy but he has no substance, she can instantly become unattractive to him the moment she sees him being unkind to someone else. Or she might becomes unattracted to him as his body ages.
So what about a guy who just isn’t physically attractive? How is he going to compensate for his lack of being Dwayne the Rock Johnson?
Human nature hasn’t changed since the creation of the World. What worked for your Grandpa worked for your 100x Great Grandpa and will work for you and your grandson and your 100x great grandson.
How about seeing if you have something that lasts longer than sex appeal? What about getting to know someone. When a guy asked me out right away, that was fine in highschool and I just wanted someone to make me a Valentine’s day card and hold my hand so I wouldn’t be alone for prom. But as I aged and matured I wanted a guy who wanted me for me, not my looks, and back then I did have a pretty face and a toned and fit body. I didn’t want a guy because he lusted after my body and saw my holes as having potential to fulfill his baser desires. I wanted a long term relationship.
And so I stayed single. I wasn’t looking for a guy who wanted to use me for sex and then leave me. I wanted the complete package and I refused to compromise. I knew exactly what I wanted and while I dated a few guys who had the potential to be what I wanted. It wasn’t love at first sight. In fact I had plenty of guys ask me out who were attractive but had no substance and I refused them every time, and I am thankful I did. One guy asked me out over 20 times. Sure I was into his love-bombing, but we didn’t share the same value system. And he moved on and found somone else and I watched them date from a distance and then I watched them break up and then she took out a restraining order against him because he had held a knife to her throat. It was so validating to me to see that my system worked and being single worked for me.
And I graduated and moved on to a new job where I was asked out even more by a bunch of vapid men who were looking for someone to warm their bed for a night, but I knew one night was all they wanted and so I continued to be available.
Then I became friends with this guy. He asked me for advice on breaking up with his girlfriend and I gave him some but I also told him I wasn’t interested like that and I was actually interested in someone else. We became friends sometime after that. I started dating and became engaged to the other guy, at initial appearance we had the same value system. But in reality he was cheating on me our entire relationship and probably never sincerely meant his proposal and I was stupid enough to lose virginity to him, I had a pregnancy scare. He told me if I didn’t get an abortion he was going to kill himself, that was the exact moment I 100% knew I couldn’t go through with the marriage.
My best friend stepped up in the biggest way and told me if I was pregnant he would marry me and be a father to the child and treat the baby as his own, that he had some health issues as a child and he didn’t know if it was even possible for him to father a child. He helped me work up the courage to break off an engagement to a suicidal man it’s been 16 years and that guy is still out there coercing girls into abortions with threats of suicide but my best friend, we’ve been married for 15 years and have 3 of our own children. Luckily it was just a pregnancy scare with the ex.
And let me tell you what it’s like to marry a good person.
Anyone can be there for you on a happy day. But life isn’t made up of just the happy days. My husband is my rock. Because in life some moments are filled with pain. When we miscarried our 2nd child he was there for me. When my grandmother’s died he was there for me. When his Dad died I was there for him. When my Dad abused my mom, he was there for me, when parents split he was there for me. When my mom died he was there for me. When I was diagnosed with a couple diseases he was there for me. When the plumbing breaks and things break around the house, when I need a ride, when junior is acting up he is there for me. When social anxiety paralyses him and panic attacks take over I am there for him. It’s not all a one way marriage it goes both ways. He’s litterally saved my life when having a baby almost killed me and doctors wanted to wait to operate he lost his shit and yelled at them to get it done now and our son and I survived because of him.
I have Daddy issues, litterally my Dad is a bad guy who abused my mom for 4.5 decades and every time something traumatic and bad happened in her life he left mom and when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, the worse she became the more abusive and neglectful she became. She lost 68 lbs in 3 months no diet or exercise because he refused to feed her. I’ve seen the worst of humanity in my Dad and my husband is the opposite of that. My husband is a good father, a good provider, a great friend. He might struggle with a paralyzing mental illness, but unlike my Dad he is there when it counts.
Marrying the friend zone is 100% worth it and I would not have even considered the man I am married to if we hadn’t been friends first. When we first met he wasn’t even available for dating. I might have dated a bad guy and a few guys who just didn’t fit into my life. But dating the friendzone is the best way to avoid guys who are only interested in one thing and don’t know you well enough to know if they want you beyond your pretty face.
ultimately, I don’t think it matters. If she likes you and is attracted to you, she will say yes no matter how long you’ve known her. There’s so many exceptions to the rule that there might not be a rule lol.
As a woman… nah. Thinking you’re attractive isn’t enough of a reason for me to want to date you, and if you aren’t even willing to put in the effort to get to know me a little before asking me out, it’s probably gonna be a no. My boyfriend of 5 years and I developed a friendship for months before he asked me out, and by then I knew for sure that I liked him, so it was an easy yes.
The thing I despise about your post is you obviously value sex and romantic relationships with women more than friendships with women, and it shows. You’re framing this like being friends with women is a death sentence. On top of that, you’re over simplifying it. Women are not a hive mind, what works for one doesn’t work for the other.
how old are you ?
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Some people are super confused and therefore confusing here. I don’t think you actually mean be friends first. You go into it already knowing Ya’ll are each other’s romantic interest, with potential for more. It sounds like what some of you mean is to just act like a normal person.
The people who say they were friends first know their situation doesn’t really fit. Obviously someone can come around and start to have feelings after a long time, but nobody is gonna stay around someone on purpose for years, just to see if something happens. If they do, they probably were not interested romantically to begin with and something just sparked later on.
Might work for you, but by the same reasoning if she’s attracted to you then being friendly isn’t going to get you “friendzoned” it’s going to help you form a connection. In fact, keep doing what you’re doing, we’re not in the same market.
Second though, if she turns you down leave her alone. But if you’ve been kind honest and generally treated her like a human being, she might come back on her own
I was just feeling resentful about this today. I had a guy friend for three years who never spoke up about his crush on me until we were on an international trip together. We got drunk and made out and he shared how he felt. I could have definitely been into the idea of dating him but I couldn’t because I felt like he lied to me all that time.
I’ve become super attracted to my male friends after getting to know them better and wish they were single. Not sure if the post always holds true.
This… isn’t entirely true. I’ve fallen for friends I wasn’t initially attracted to.
I believe that this concept isn’t wrong, but maybe not all right as well. It’s really dependent on how the girl views a relationship and what they hold higher in their romantic lives. This goes the same way to the guy as well, how they desire a relationship to be like. To give some examples: my sister met this guy and right away he flirted with her and they clicked, she fell in love and they started dating. A few months earlier I did the same thing but realized mid-through that I really should have gotten to know this guy and ended up staying in a bad relationship for wayyy too long. Likewise, now I have fallen in love again with this guy who I have known for about 1 year, it’s developed out of nowhere but the feeling of knowing I can trust him is overwhelming for me and making me fall more. So it’s really situational, and a bunch of factors play into place, it’s hard to get it right sadly!
So, my husband actually got rejected by me initially.
I told him to date other girls & I wasn’t interested. He said okay but can we be friends since romance isnt on the table. I said sure. Come tough times and look who’s being a rock in the middle of the storm? Even at the start, he didn’t force the relationship, instead we chose to find what works for us and understand each other romantically.
Six years later, married with 2 kids.
ITT: people who have forgotten that you go on dates with someone first to get to know them better and see of you like them enough to pursue further romantically.
Yes yes.. this is Corey Wayne’s work right here. Thinking you are going to get in a girls pants by being their friend first is going to to leave you blueballs fellas
Also it’s just a shitty thing to find out someone was only being your friend because they wanted to date you.
If you’re gonna be a girls friend first at least be prepared to stay friends and not stop being friends as soon as she rejects you.
Preach brother, I’m the same way. I don’t want any female friends. I have 4 girls that really like me and am going to tell them I’m looking to casually date because right now I’m not looking for anything Serious ! I’m 28 and want to have fun(Safe Sex) with different girls before I settle down and get married and be with one girl for 65 Years assuming we stay married and I die at 95 LOL.
I agree but also disagree. Generally if you try to be friends with a girl for the sole reason to date her and she’s not into you it won’t work. You’ll be put in the friend zone and most likely you won’t get out. Even if she is into you you may put yourself in the friend zone. So yes you should right off the bat just ask her out
Although I have had better results in terms of long term relationships with some I’m already friends with. When I meet them yes I may be attracted to them but my intent is to just be friends, then as we for a relationship and get to know each other we start dating. It doesn’t always happen but I think it works better. Although if you are looker for something short term then that’s not the way to go
Don’t worry about the people that try to shame you for it either. Because you shouldn’t be forced to put yourself in an unfavorable situation because someone else thinks it’s bad.
Well I wouldn’t say ask for a date right away, and with the don’t try to be her friend part that’s KIND of true, you want to lead with friendship but theirs a difference between Friends and Friendzoned
Facts this is real , do not show friendly behavior etc to romantic interests , approach them romantically off the bat.
It can go both ways. Sometimes it’s best to start easy as friends but make your intentions known earlier than later
I agree with most of the people saying that it can’t be applied to everything since sometimes you can start a friendship with no other intentions and later in your life realize that you are attracted to that person. If you know you want that girl just don’t act like you just want to be a friend luckily I have never went through this because I always try to be clear as possible with what I want. I think being insistent is not a way to go but saying it doesn’t work is a lie too since I have had friends who did that and they are happy with their relationships and risking their time for that and no, I don’t like to play those games since I need to have an idea if the person is open to a relationship or not. Last there are girls and also men that like them to be insistent I don’t know why, for me is more like a toxic behavior than really caring for someone but that’s another topic.
Eh, my ex and I were friends for awhile until it mutually became something else and we realised we liked each other as more than friends. It was pretty nice how it naturally developed from friends to lovers.
Life is not that simple. There are lots of permutations and combinations.
Idk about that. I always shoot for friendship first and then go from there. i’ve never been friend-zoned (as an adult)
Just as long as by ‘straight away’ you mean ‘at the end of our first conversation.’ I might know within a few seconds if I’m attracted to you physically, but I don’t know if we vibe enough for me to want to spend time with you, and vis versa. I’ve turned down guys I found attractive for approaching with ‘can I get your number’ before. Have a chat first, because you’ll find most women are unwilling to immediately give their contact details to a complete stranger.
It’s decent advice in theory.
It’s also BS and not true.
Women sometimes take time to develop attraction.
I know many women who said that they didn’t find their husbands attractive at first and it took a while. My sister for instance didn’t like her husband at first and it took months
I probably wouldn’t start a friendship if you want romance and not friendship.
But, my last relationship we were friends for 5 years first.
I also know someone who got married to someone they were friends with for five years first.
Agreed. No need for friends if your intentions were to be more than that. That’s cope.
Unironically one of the better advices.
This is terrible advice, why is it upvoted so high.
This advice works if you want to hookup with the girl. If you want to be in a relationship, then skipping the whole getting to know them part is absolutely imbecilic.
Friendzone is also not a thing. You’re either their friend, or you are their boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with asking someone out when you are their friend, you just have to accept their decision if they don’t like you back.
I have guy friends that asked me out and I turned down and they have been nothing but respectful. Platonic friendships between guys and girls are entirely workable if both parties aren’t jackasses about it.
Okay but what happens if I want to be friends first
This isn’t necessarily true. Sometimes you or the other person will develop strong feelings throughout the course of the friendship which could lead to something more.
People tend to look at others in a different light once they get to know them a bit. A good first impressions always helps, but not everyone makes those. I know I definitely don’t.
If I asked a girl out on a date without getting to know her and her getting to know me first, then 9/10 times I’d probably get rejected on the spot. I’ve never been able to get women just based on my looks (I’d say I look pretty average looking), but my personality, humour, and how I care for others is usually what draws them in.
My current GF and I met through an OLD. We chatted a bit through the app before meeting in person for the first time. The first date was not smooth at all, and she had pretty much written me off. Fortunately, I asked her for a second date and she said okay to it. Several dates later, she started to see a completely different side of me that she didn’t see in the beginning because I came off as anxious and shy. 2.5 years later and we’re still together.