I have a long and complicated family history that is too painful to get into in one post. A short version is that from the age of 12-20ish I didnt talk to my family unless basically forced to, because at 12 I was depressed and began self harming and my parents solution was to essentially ground me for several years. After I turned 20 I had to move back home after having a mental breakdown in college, due to stress, mental health, and alot of spiraling realizing in college that I was struggling socially since being cut off from friendship and community growing up.
My relationship with my parents improved a lot and I was proud of how we developed. I moved around for school and work, and though my parents annoyed me or stressed me out it’s never been as bad as it is now. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness several years ago and moved back home to be close to my family so they could help me. But eventually the situation was so stressful that I moved out after a month or so and went back on my own. Since moving back, every boundary I have set for myself has essentially been ignored by my family. I’ve been guilted, no matter how I express myself about these boundaries, or they’ve been explicitly ignored. Sometimes they’ll be respected for a month or two, but then they go away. I’ve tried going to therapy with my parents, even offering to pay for them to go. Every therapist I’ve had has identified my childhood as abusive, and I’ve still tried to show up every time.
Some of these boundaries include my mom respecting my name. I’m not going to deal with the usual bullshit that reddit has said about nonbinary people, but I use a different name than the one I was given at birth. It’s an easy to remember name, a variation of my birth name, and the name I use professionally and personally and have for almost 6 years now. Another boundary is my mom understanding that I can’t respond to her right away. If I dont respond within an hour she will text me over and over again, even about just mundane things. My family doesn’t ask me about my life, whether it be my interests or my volunteer work etc. My brother only talks to me when he wants something from me and ignores me anytime that I try to connect with him. My parents both frequently talk about weight loss, how they eat too much, their calorie intake, their food intake etc despite me being diagnosed with an eating disorder, and PLEADING with them to stop. I’m also immunocompromised, meaning I have to wear a mask around them. They refuse to do so and say negative comments when my partner and I do.
The issue is it feels like they’re objectively nice? There are some things I love and do enjoy about them, but being around them impacts my self confidence and self worth and impacts my own romantic relationship. I don’t know if they’re intentionally trying to upset me, but whenever I spend time with them I feel worse about myself, often crying to my partner for days. I would say besides my health, my family relationships are the most stressful one in my life.
How do I tell my family that I need space from them? Especially when I feel like they won’t even respect me enough to listen to it, and I feel a lot of shame for even thinking this (eldest child, immigrant family). Do I even need space from them? I dont know what to do, but I had to take off work today because I’ve been so upset from our 2-3 hours together three days ago.
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TLDR: Everytime I’m with my family I’m miserable, and regress on goals I’ve set in therapy and with my partner. I’m not sure what to do.
3 comments
Are you still in therapy now?
But in the meantime, you can talk to them less. You say your mom txts you too much, just turn off the notifications and reply when you get a change. If you don’t live with them, there’s no need to talk to them or even see them a lot.
You need to detox. Take a relationship sabbatical to start – six months in which you have no contact – set all tech to send all family contact to a recording stating you’re unavailable until /date/ and don’t listen to voice mails, don’t read anything they send. Get help with this!
Take the time to train yourself to not think about them. When you need a voice, a solution, help – direct your thoughts firmly to a real solution or helper. Have a ritual phrase to use. “I don’t think so!” was one of mine.
Read up on mindful living, it’s about self-monitoring and redirection, which seems to be where you are vulnerable. You keep circling back to the dysfunction.
If you are in therapy and your counselor stated your family childhood was abusive, definitely listen to them. They have all the information and training to make a logical assessment.
If your family keeps stepping over your boundaries, then they are saying in action, they don’t respect you or your autonomy. Your identity is valid 💯 and you need to take care of yourself. If that means no contact, then you may have to go that route. But they are adults and need to hold themselves accountable. You can’t heal in the same place that refuses to acknowledge your pain, or what they did to make you feel this way, or come to this conclusion.
There doesn’t need to be a huge conversation especially if they don’t respect you when you say you need space. Or, if they make ‘jokes’ at your expense about your taking space. Sometimes it’s healthier to slowly distance away, and not give them that information.
Protect yourself and keep honoring your boundaries, keep exploring yourself in therapy, wish you the best.