I (26F) recently moved to a new city and have been wanting to explore the city with people outside of my work bubble. So, a friend from home connected me with a really good friend of his (31M) who has been living here, thinking we’d get along well as friends and potentially something more.
Between our busy schedules, we were finally able to meet for coffee a couple days ago. And it was the most magnetic first encounter I’ve ever had with anyone… Seriously, it was magical. I’ve never felt so instantly connected with and seen by someone. We share so many life experiences, views, and perspectives. And talking to him felt so peaceful— like when you know, you know (but, at the very least, I knew I had found a really special person who I wanted in my life long term, even if it was just as friends). We talked for hours, but when he got home he texted me that he would have stayed for hours more if the shop hadn’t closed.
When I got home, I immediately called our mutual friend to thank him because of how incredible coffee was. And he told me that my “date” had already called him saying the same thing.
We continued texting throughout the week and made plans to hang out during the weekend before he was set to leave on an extended work trip.
Our plans got changed because of something that came up, so we ended up hanging out at his place. Again, we talked for hours. But… the conversation took a turn.
He is very big on transparency and honesty which really attracted me to him. And we were talking about big things that might negatively affect a relationship (i.e. a secret family, a severe illness). He asked me directly if there was anything I needed to disclose. Knowing a bit about the nature of his extensive ~history~, it felt like the appropriate time to share something that had been weighing on me all week: I’m a virgin (re: negative experiences with the church growing up, @$$@ult, hoping to share that experience with my future husband; but I promise I’m not prude— I’m very generous and creative and was able to keep my ex-partner of eight years very satisfied).
He reacted reasonably well and asked me questions about how it has worked for me previously (answer: a lot of sloppy [insert rhyming word]), why (answer: see re: above), how I felt about his past (answer: I genuinely don’t care; I just adore him as a person, and all his life experiences to this point have made him the incredibly special, thoughtful person he is, etc.) That was one of the last conversations we had before falling asleep together in his bed.
When I got home, he sent me a text saying it was a lot to disclose to someone for just the second time hanging out, and he had a lot to think about and would need time to process because pursuing a romantic relationship with me would mean he’d have to give up P—>V for the foreseeable future (even though the night before I discussed being okay with him sleeping with other people for a while, other workarounds etc.) It was naïve to think it wouldn’t be a big deal. But I’m still pretty bummed because of how much I like him. My best friend said she hadn’t ever seen me this happy including with my ex. It really felt like I found one of my soulmates…
So, roughly how much time should I expect to wait to hear back from him?
And for my future dating reference, level with me: how big of a deal is no P—>V for a long term relationship? When should I disclose the virginity thing? Any advice for me?
I can edit the post for clarity/questions if needed!
Please be kind but honest…
8 comments
If you want my very honest opinion… I think for most people, especially those who have already had a lot of sex, being in a sexless relationship for (possibly) years, will most likely be a deal breaker for him. There is always the chance he will be up for that, but I think it’s important to be realistic about your expectations with him, so you don’t end up breaking your own heart if things fall through. I personally find realism with a healthy sprinkle of optimism to be the best way of avoiding disappointment, without sucking all the joy and hope out of your life in the process!
Genuine question though, and I hope I’m not offending you, but what exactly is your reason for needing the man you have sex with to be your husband? If it’s just a matter of needing full trust in your partner before you’re comfortable having sex with him because of traumatic past experiences, you can definitely achieve that without holding out for marriage. If your reason is due to religious purposes, then that would make more sense I guess, is what I’m saying. I’m not at all religious, but I understand that for some people, they don’t want sex out of wedlock because it’s a sin to them. I ask this because if the reason is the former instead of the latter, you can 100% find a loving partner who will stand beside you while you work through your trauma, *without* waiting until marriage.
You can’t have a strong marriage without first having a strong relationship, so what exactly would waiting for an arbitrary date in time and some signed legal documents do to help you, that the love and support of a healthy relationship couldn’t already do? There’s also the possibility that once you marry your dream guy and you two finally do it, his sex drive and desires could be completely mismatched from you, or maybe one (or both) of you discover you simply do not enjoy sex period, while the other can’t get enough once the dam has been broken, and then what? That kind of issue can very easily tear a marriage apart, but you would never know it was an issue until it was too late, if you waited to have sex. These are just some things you may want to consider, but it’s definitely possible to find a guy meeting your requirements.
My biggest tip would just be to lay the truth out flat before you ever even go on any dates with these prospective men, if possible. Sure, some of the guys will be instantly be scared away, and that sucks, but you will be saving yourself so much time and effort that way. It’s rough, but it’s simply inevitable for rejection to happen when your criteria for being with somebody is very cut and clear, regardless of what that criteria is, sexual or not. I’m wishing you the best, and I’m sure you can find a good match for you who is okay with waiting, whether or not this guy in particular is the one. (:
No matter how connected I felt to the person, if they told me that PIV was a no for them for a good while (potentially years), that relationship would be a no for me.
I personally would disclose your virginity as soon as you feel comfortable to do so, because it is a big deal and it is better to know if it is a dealbreaker before you get too attached.
That said, there is something that rubs me wrong about your post.
You are in a new city, and I imagine you are more isolanted than usual. You met someone who seems to understand you perfectly. You were supposed to meet in public but you ended up in his place (rushed intimacy). There is talk about secret families and illnesses, which are extremely uncommon problems and extremely abusive situations. Then he *asks* you if you have big issues like those (??!!???). He collects all the data and *then* he tells you, ‘whoa, why did you even disclose that’ (because he asked).
My bet is that he will come back telling that he is willing to try and then he will take every possible occasion to guilt you and to use his willingness to overlook your ‘problems’ to justify anything, like a secret family. And maybe when you will have enough he will pretend to have an illness.
I hope I’m wrong. Still, it would reassure me greatly if you researched ‘love bombing’ on the internet and if you made other friends as soon as possible.
Please be careful.
> I understand now it was naïve to think it wouldn’t be a big deal.
Respectfully — no, you don’t. To understand how big a deal it is to give up intercourse in a relationship, you’d of course have to know what it feels like, physically and emotionally, to have intercourse. And you do not. For a woman, receiving oral sex or fingering can bring her to orgasm, but there’s a feeling of trust and vulnerability and utter being-built-for-this-ness that comes uniquely with intercourse. For a man, a great blowjob might feel nearly as great as intercourse, but it absolutely does not have the same emotional salience. There’s no face-to-face, no hugging, no animalistic hip-to-hip contact. It’s missing the rapture of the shared experience of pleasure, of taking actions that simultaneously please both partners. It’s one of the most powerful shared experiences humans can have.
> When should I disclose the virginity thing?
This isn’t about the virginity thing. That’s far less a deal than is refusing intercourse until marriage. For that, it’s important to remember that everyone is different. Some men will be thrilled to learn that you too want to wait until marriage. Some men will be neutral about it. And some will consider that a dealbreaker. If I had to guess, I’d put those figures at 10%, 10%, and 80%. That means a lot of moving on after talking about this on the second date (because why waste both people’s time), but it’s certainly doable, especially if you enrich your sample by, for example, using Christian dating sites.
I don’t really get this guy’s reaction, and I don’t understand why this would be a dealbreaker lol. Maybe I didn’t read your post well enough. But why would he have to give up PIV??? Did you actually say you don’t want to do PIV? As long as you’re reasonably aroused, he should be able to enter you just fine. If he’s worried you’ll be “too tight” for him maybe he’s chronically bad at foreplay. I’m also not sure why he would be “big on transparency” and straight up ask you if you had anything to disclose, and then be offended that you’re a virgin. How is that “too much”? What did he think you’d disclose, that you have an STI or a mental illness or some shit?? I literally do not understand this dude. To me it’s a red flag that he thinks it’s such a big deal. Losing your virginity is NOT a big deal, and I can’t even begin to understand why it would be a dealbreaker for him. If he’s a good guy, he’d be open to getting you warmed up for PIV and teaching you how to be good at sex.
Maybe I just don’t understand men but this seems like such a red flag to me. Him viewing you as “too pure,” “too inexperienced,” or whatever the fuck he’s thinking about just all seems so dehumanizing. If he really liked you, he’d be excited to be your first, at least to my understanding.
I agree with the other comments. And I would like to say that I also used to be of the opinion that sex was not a critical component in a relationship but I have long since changed my mind. Sexual compatability is really important. How high/low your sex drive is, the things that you enjoy etc etc. But also it’s another way to learn about your partner. If he is selfish in bed he will most likely be selfish in your relationship. If you look at the sub called something like deadbedrooms (I’m not sure of the exact name but it should be easy to find), you will see how sexual incompatibility can cause relationship problems. It is not the be all and end all but it definitely is important.
If this man is a similar age to you and not significantly older, then the possibility of giving up PIV sex could be for a very long time considering people tend to marry at a later age these days. A man who is at an age where he wants to get married soon might be willing to wait because he does not think it will be a long time to do so.
If this man really feels like a potential soulmate, I would try to have a more open conversation with him about how you might be able to both compromise, in case there is some middle ground where you don’t feel pressured to doing something that you aren’t comfortable or ready for.
I hope it goes well for you no matter what happens 🙂
> And for my future dating reference, level with me: how big of a deal is no P—>V for a long term relationship? When should I disclose the virginity thing?
Those are two wholly separate things. 1) you’re a virgin. That barely matters. 2) you don’t want to have PIV sex. That will be a deal breaker for most people.
Being married won’t guarantee things will work out, that he’ll really be the love of your life and that you’ll be together forever. Sex is a very important part for many if not most of relationships. I stopped dating a guy before we even had sex because I didn’t like the way he kissed despite connecting in several other ways. I also put up with bad sex because I thought I loved someone enough to overcome it and to keep him around and secretly ended up dreading it and it did take a toll. We broke up for other reasons but I was actually relieved and didn’t really miss him when it ended because of that.
Also, the first time can kinda suck, my first partner was experienced and it was okay but it got better when we learned more about each other’s bodies and what they preferred. Sometimes you might just be incompatible and never really get over that – like that one partner I mentioned before. Sex is just one thing that you should try out with someone to see if you work.
I have a low “body count” because I like feeling an emotional connection to my partners, but not waiting for marriage, I usually know after a few days/dates if I’m feeling it (because if I’m not getting that connection I’m quick to move on).Virginity and the first time thing are glorified especially among religious groups but there is so much more to marriage than that one first time.
Just stay friends if it’s that non-negotiable for you.