Seeking advice as I don’t know where to turn.
My gf and I have been dating since early 2021. In 2020 I bought and renovated a house to call my own and I loved every second of it.
My gf and I have had such a lovely relationship and she is honestly a real one in so many ways, she gives me ideas how to improve the house. And gets me in contact with ppl to make changes (eg adding closet racks). I can say she really does seem to love me which feels weird to me for other reasons I am working on with my therapist.
Recently she offered to move in and, in moving in, she wanted to be placed on the deed. I told her I would think about it but I didn’t really expect her to pay half mortgage maybe just help on groceries. She does want to get married and I am planning on it, just felt taken aback as she said she didn’t want to risk moving in then we break up and she is homeless.
Not sure if adding to the deed is a good idea but I feel apprehensive about it. Also she is a but of a hoarder so I’m working on sorting her out but I can see it impacting us if we don’t find constructive ways to mitigate it.
I feel like I am over thinking
I can be vague so if I need to clarify let me know
* I am M35, she is F30
Edit: OK I am glad that my feelings are being validate a bit and I am sure what I posted comes off crazy lol.
I will investigate a tenancy at will type thing vs adding her to the deed. That is so wild to do before marriage. Thank you to the responders so far. I’m sorry if my post sounds ridiculous, just in a weird headspace rn.
Edit 2:
All the feedback thankfully validated that my gut was correct. I honestly feel dumb just for asking because it is such an easy answer.
I got to speak to her after she got home and I stated clearly a lot of the feedback that I saw here that she will not be added to the deed before marriage. We will look into a tenancy agreement if she feels strongly enough and I affirmed that while I care for her deeply, I want to follow the optimal process to keep us both protected.
She took it honestly well and stated she said what she said in more of an emotional fear. But she agreed and was more worried I didn’t voice my issues when she first asked me as well just sad that I was so anxious due to it.
I think I’m in the clear and Thank you all for the help, the slap of reality, and just everything. Lot of really great advice and good people.
30 comments
> just felt taken aback as she said she didn’t want to risk moving in then we break up and she is homeless.
If you can pay rent at someone’s place, then you can pay rent at another place..I say that cuz you aren’t homeless for long. should you put her on the deed? fuck no. that is f ing stupid….you want to rent her part of your place, then that is a different matter. Have her own part of your place, while paying for groceries only? dump her and I’ll sober on your knob for that deal and half your home.
Have her move in, but do not add her to the deed. You can add her when you marry her.
Don’t invite a hoarder to your home. That should be a relationship red flag before you go any further.
There is zero need for her to be on the deed. Why would you give her half ownership of your property?
This is a bad idea from a legal perspective. Please consult with a local attorney before making any decisions (I’m an attorney but can’t give advice on Reddit for obvious reasons).
You should post this on r/legaladvice. I would 💯 talk to a lawyer before you make any changes to the deed. There are other options besides adding her as a co-owner of the house (which is what adding her to the deed would do).
If she’s worried about being kicked out of you break up, then you should have a lease in place where she is your tenant and protected by the same tenants’ rights she’d be entitled to in any other rental property. Your nightmare would be breaking up, she’s on the deed, and now you’re in court over who owns the property and in what proportion.
No. You’re not married. If you break up she can force you to sell and walk away with half the proceeds. Why would you do that?
If you have ANY reservations, don’t do it. You two need to be 100% on the same page before legally sharing your house. If she is worried about being “homeless” in the event of the breakup, encourage her to maintain a savings account that would cover the cost of finding a new apartment.
Don’t add her to the deed. Tell her that she can save what she’s not spending on the mortgage to have an emergency fund in case you break up.
If she is worried about a break up leaving her homeless, then she shouldn’t be moving in with you.
Do not under any circumstances place her on your deed.
I don’t ever really understand these. If you were dating for 10 years it might be one thing but you are not. Adding her to the deed would require you to refinance anyways which would be insane right now.
I understand her concern about what would happen if you broke up but you could establish a simple lease giving her some protections if that makes her feel better. It could be as simple as $100.00 a month and termination of lease would require 2-3 months notice or something like that.
It’s one thing if you brought it up but it’s a red flag that she did. Definitely seek legal advice
*she wanted to be placed on the deed*
What the heck? Hell no.
I think it takes a lot audacity to ask to be added to a deed.
OP my husband got screwed doing exactly this. His long-term relationship before me, not married, he bought a house and put her on the deed. She did not pay a penny.
She left him for another guy, got a lawyer, forced sale of the house and walked away with half. After never paying a penny.
Do not do it. If she wasn’t with you she would have to rent or buy anyway, just like everyone else. This argument of her being homeless if you break up is nonsense. Is she homeless now? Doesn’t sound like it.
DO NOT moving in with a hoarder!!
I’m more put off by the fact you said she’s a hoarder. Hard pass.
Do not add to the deed!
In my country…you want 50% of MY house? this is what you need to do
1. You put a ring on it.
2. You sign an agreement in which you pay half the monthly utilities and taxes.
3. You sign an agreement to pay half of the maintenance and other expenses
4. You sign an official offer to purchase and pay me 50% of the market related price of the property.
Otherwise….this is MY house which I have worked for, which will go into MY estate for my children.
You did nothing and gave nothing to earn a single blade of grass on it. So you get nothing.
You are a invited guest in MY home.
Should I wish to change that dynamic in the future, that will be by MY choice. Not yours.
Not sure how things work in your country. But I suggest you speak with an attorney.
Do not let anyone diminish the hard work you have put in to buying your own home.
Congratulations with this by the way…it is a great milestone to have reached.
Well wouldn’t that be nice, move in with someone, don’t pay a penny, don’t save for a down payment…. get half the property.
What an offer!
I think what she’s looking for is a hand out and she’s utterly unrealistic. You might offer to let her buy her way to half, down payment plus matching principle payments until now, pays half the mortgage going forward. Of course she won’t be able to afford that.
She probably has tons of debt, that’s why she can’t buy a place of her own. At least now you know what she’s looking for, some guy to put her on the life track her decisions have previously prevented her from enjoying.
have you guys lived together before? I mean for a long period of time. (2 months at least)
Do not add her to the deed period! Get an ironclad prenup as well if you decide to get married… I want you to know that I felt like calling you a Dumbass though you seem like you are doing your best.
Do not add her to the deed. What if you break up? Wait until after marriage.
The answer is no.
She can move in, and share expenses, but she doesn’t get put on the deed to the house.
IF you last long enough to propose, then you sit down and discuss it then, personally I’d get a prenup, and have clauses in for the length of the marriage and contributions to the house where at certain milestones a percentage is deemed marital property up to a 50/50 split.
Some sort of tenancy like what you talked about in your comment, a lease of sort to give her security, would be helpful.
I don’t know if you said how long you’ve been together or if you’ve had the marriage conversation but this (and maybe a pre-nup) should be part of that.
Also first/last/security is costly (usually in the ballpark of $4,500). Maybe you guys can work it out so she has a way to save that up and put it aside. If you break up, she has money to move, if you get married, she has money for a gown, or if you want to work it out another way she can invest that money into what you have together.
Firm No on the deed, way too early to be demanding that from you.
Delusional….sounds like some inlaws of mine.
Do not add her to the deed. Until you all are officially married; not planning to get married, not engaged, not getting married in a couple months…once you are officially and legally married, that’s when you add her.
Anything before that is setting yourself up for a potential disaster.
This is nothing personal, it’s just being smart and protecting yourself.
Don’t add her.
Even when married if you do and wind up divorced she’ll have claim to the house and you may wind up having to buy her out, sell it, or even lose it.
If she had put half the money into the house and renovation costs then it would be a fair ask, otherwise not at all.
If she isn’t paying rent then all she needs to do is save a little and that won’t be a problem. But it seems to me like she is gold digging. She offered to move in? How nice of her. Taking such a keen interest in your house the whole time. Watch yourself on this, OP.