Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this… Chatting at the void helps me feel better and sometimes the void comes back with helpful advice.
I have always had a thing for humiliation and feeling exploited. Findom was a natural fit for me and I have been dipping in and out of it for a couple of years now. The problem was that a lot of guys are like fast food, they feel good in the moment but terrible afterwards.
I finally met a guy who was amazing. He was new to the whole arrangement but willing to give it a go. He was such a nice guy, seemed to care about me and was so easy to talk to. He would let me buy him stuff and send to him whenever I wanted to as opposed to constantly demanding it. He would let me dictate how much I wanted to give. He would be dismissive and not even send me sexual pictures afterwards just a picture of his dirty sole after I had done everything I could to impress him. Whilst we were chatting afterwards, I asked him if he could be a bit crueler during sessions and he said he would try.
The next (and last) time he was perfect. I ended up getting so weak, I sent him nearly three times the amount that I probably should have. Immediately, I noticed that it made him extremely uncomfortable. Now 1 week later he has just told me that the whole arrangement and the power he has over me actually makes him feel guilty and now if I have the urge he will ask me to donate it to charity instead. The problem is that him “using me” for his benefit is the thing that I love most. I feel so shitty for having ruined everything.
Then I feel worse and guilty for being so selfish and only thinking about what I want.
2 comments
I think you should have a conversation in what I call safe space mode. Safe space mode is where you talk without the kink or findom activated to actually discuss your arrangement. You don’t need to do this all the time but maybe once a month or twice a month to see if he is still on board with the arrangement and discuss any changes needed or how you feel.
While I can understand how disheartened you are to find yet ANOTHER man who is uncomfortable with the level of degradation you seem to need in order to enjoy sex, I will ask you this – and admittedly it might simply be because you are asking about this issue specifically that you didn’t include this info, but also it might be something you have overlooked, which is why I ask:
You mention at great length what YOU need from your partners in order to enjoy sex, but in all of your efforts to get them to degrade and humiliate you as intensely as you wanted, did you return that interest in things THEY wanted? While it is certainly possible to find a partner who is absolutely into everything you are, though perhaps not on the same level, in many relationships what you actually find is an overlap of interests but when things are on the more extreme ends of things like degradation, pain-play etc, that the person providing this for their partner’s pleasure is doing so predominantly because they know their partner enjoys it, not because they have an interest in it themselves. I ask the question I did because the reaction you describe this latest man having sounds like he feels a bit burned out from going so far to make sure you are satisfied but not necessarily having what HE might enjoy in turn respected. You even admit at the end that you were “only thinking about what I want” which kind of confirms that for me, but again, please correct me if I’m wrong.
Would it really be SUCH an imposition or turn off for you to every so often, throw your partner a bone, even if it’s not something you’d choose yourself right away? It sounds like this guy was a bit burned out from going outside of his comfort zone for you but without getting enough back so as to re-energise his drive to give to you. Would it be such a chore for you to, say, give him, for example, one night in every 3 where you do what he wants, even if it’s not quite so dom/sub and more sensual?