about a month ago, I sat my girlfriend of 1yr4months down and suggested we instead transition to friends because our relationship was failing and she agreed it was for the best – we both kinda knew it was coming and I decided I should probably just get it done with instead of dragging out the relationship and festering negative emotions towards each other.
I decided on this because she wasn’t giving me a lot of love, she was being negative all the time and our sex life was just non existent, it just didn’t feel like I was dating anyone. So we have since then continued on as friends and neither of us really had an issue with it. But given i’m 19, im young and really stupid and i’m growing a lot – ive been trying these past couple years to reflect on my actions and be the best version of myself I can be, and i think I might have made the biggest mistake i’ve ever made and fumbled the best thing to have happened to me.
this past weekend, she invited me and a bunch of my friends up to her beach house. it was nice but I felt a lot of pain in my stomach seeing her super happy and hanging out with everyone and I didn’t know why, since i was quite happy with us not being together. so the day after, after most people went home, I decided to clean up the entire house to save her the cleaning. while I did this I just thought about everything, and I felt worse and worse as I ruminated deeper about our relationship. we didn’t end because she didn’t care as much about the relationship as I did, we ended because I was an utter garbage human being and I didn’t show her the respect she deserved and I never stopped thinking about myself. I started to look at everything I did through her shoes and I was just disgusted with myself.
a brief history into some of the shittiness: I had some really bad friends around me early into the relationship where everything was dick measuring and everyone was just an arsehole to each-other. I was incredibly insecure and conducted myself in such a terrible way, and i’m humiliated for the person I was. I ridiculed my girlfriend in front of my friends, I toyed with her emotions purely for fun, I told her she meant nothing to me and that I was pulling away all the time and when sex became less frequent I made her feel guilty and put a lot of pressure on it, which is so horrible.
I moved on from that friend group and really changed who I was, but I still wasn’t perfect to her and I didn’t let her really get some of the stuff I did off her mind – when she brought it up, I would sometimes apologise but I also would get very upset or really frustrated and so she obviously had a hard time recovering from those scars.
then my life really got turned on its head and I developed a chronic stomach illness (deserved). we were living together at the beach house I mentioned – she inherited it and it’s been a financial and legal nightmare for her – and she was basically my sole carer and caterer since early on I really was unable to do a lot, and I mostly sat on the couch over a bucket too sick to move. sometimes I cooked and cleaned a bit but she carried 90% of the house on her shoulders on top of uni on top of almost full time care for me. I was slowly getting better but I got very used to being unwell to do things and started to expect her to do everything, and got upset when she wouldn’t. she pulled away and I kept asking her why she wasn’t interacting with me and this would cause her to bring up some stuff in the past or talk about how it felt like I was a child and she was my carer. I would get upset about this and would tell her she wasn’t listening to me (ironic) and couldn’t drop the shit in the past even though i changed. we slowly kept pulling away from each other and this was where we decided to pull the plug.
I was so ashamed to be confronting myself about all this stuff I had done, and after I cleaned up I wrote a huge speech in my notes directed towards her and when she came home, I sat her down and apologised so, so, so deeply for everything. I accepted full guilt for my actions and let her know she was in the right, and did so much for me, and was so loyal to me, and I threw it away because I was so selfish that I could never take in her perspective and I only cared how I felt. she was so happy to be hearing this and we had a really good talk and hugged out any negativity towards one another.
I asked her if she ever saw us dating again and I promised if I ever got the chance I would treat her the way I wish I did back then, instead of being so complacent with the relationship. I told her I understood if she just wanted me to leave forever and I understand if she needs time. she said she didn’t know, and in general doesn’t feel like dating anyone right now, but would like me in her life no matter what outcome.
my plan of action is to be as good a friend to her as I can and show her that i’ve really realised all these things about myself. my heart always has been in the right place and I always wanted the best for her, but I was just so, so stupid and selfish that I really thought too much about my feelings instead of hers. i’m not going to put any pressure on us dating or anything like that, but the issue is that since all these negative opinions I had of her died off when I realised the way she acted was just a reflection of the terrible way I was treating her, I fell completely in love with that same girl I did over a year ago. I understand I might have fucked it beyond repair and i’m so terrified she will never have those same feelings for me. i’m willing to fight for it and do whatever is right but I really would appreciate some outside thought. is it possible I get given a second chance? what’s my best course of action? thanks for the read, I really appreciate any responses this may get
tl;dr broke up with my girlfriend because she was a negative nancy and didn’t care about me as much as I cared about her. turns out though, I was just a complete shithead to her and I ruined a relationship with the best person i’ve ever met. i’ve apologised to her deeply and thoroughly changed my character, she says she thinks very highly of me with how i’ve changed and with what i said, but isn’t sure whether or not we will get back together just yet and I need help navigating this
3 comments
I think the best thing you can do is continue to show her through your actions that you have truly changed.
I would say just accept the fact that she wants to be friends right now, that would show her that you respect her needs and boundaries and she won’t feel pressured to make a decision, it gives her time to figure out what she really wants. Show her through your actions that you’ve changed but most importantly don’t even do it for her, do it for yourself. Make sure that this is something that you really want and you’re not just thinking your way into “feeling” these feelings out of fear that you’ll never be happy with someone else as you see she’s happy single. You guys are still very young, there’s plenty of time. And always be willing to do the work here on out, no matter if you guys get back together or not. It’ll make things easier for your next future partner.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to reflect a bit, and it sounds like she really appreciated the apology. You’ve done a good thing, and it wasn’t easy – be a little happy with yourself for your progress.
Moving to being just friends after dating is always kinda hard. Feelings are funny – if you get used to seeing someone a certain way and interacting with them a certain way, that kind of lingers after you break up. It’s why a lot of people say you can’t go straight to being friends after a break up – even if you have wholly good intentions, feelings are often not logical or even sensible.
Over the next few weeks, think very carefully about whether the things you’re doing are for her, or for you. The long note you wrote out for her – obviously you gave it to her, and maybe she did benefit from reading it… But didn’t it also make you feel better to write it?
Obviously you want to get back together with her. But is that the best thing for *her*? I don’t know the answer, so it’s up to you to think about it.
Finally, a word of caution. Be a friend. Do not be a boyfriend in waiting. Do not go out of your way to treat her like a queen, do not let yourself get too emotionally involved until she knows what she wants. Being overbearing, doing all these grand gestures of love and contrition… That’s just another way to put pressure on her. You have no idea if she’s even interested in you anymore.
Be nice. Be pleasant. Be kind. Be a friend. Put your case out there, tell her clearly that you’d like to try again, and then leave the ball in her court. Give her some space, and don’t start with the overwhelming romantic shit until you know for certain that it’s actually appreciated.
Best of luck mate. Being 19 is hard for everyone.