My gf (28F) and I (32M) have been together for about 2.5 years, we took a trip to see each other recently. Shortly after our trip my mom (64F) was diagnosed with cancer. Last week things took a turn and my mom ended up in the hospital, I was exhausted physically and emotionally trying to support her and balance work at the same time. I did speak to my GF the night she was admitted and told her what was going on, she was supportive at that time.
She just got out of the hospital, this weekend my siblings and I moved her into my sister’s spare bedroom. I called my GF on Saturday morning but she was upset saying she would have preferred to speak later in the day. Of course this was not possible as I was expecting to be moving things and then helping my mom get setup and comfortable. I promised her we could talk at length on Sunday. I passed out around 8pm on my sister’s couch, feeling exhausted and just hurting over the situation in general. It’s tough to see how quickly my mom’s health has declined.
I woke up to a text from my GF saying she was very sad we could not talk in the evening. I wrote her back right away and said I was sorry I had so much going on but would love to talk also. I told her my plans for the day and said I would be free later as we had discussed. I also asked how she was feeling as she had recently come down with a cold.
I got no response. 7 hours later she texted saying it sucked I didn’t call and she thought we would talk today. I responded right away and told her I thought she must have been busy and that I was free to chat, and gave her a call. She texted back she was busy and would call in 30.
When she called, she was immediately upset that I “did not text her more.” This really confused me as she did not respond to what I said? I expressed that I felt this did not make sense, she became angry and started yelling saying that obviously I am less affected by our lack of conversation lately. I told her this was not true and really wanted to catch up, and asked her to do so with me. She accused me of minimizing her feelings. Said she wanted to hear me apologize for not communicating. I told her I was really hurting and could use her support, but she told me she was too hurt by what I had done to be there for me. It made my head spin. How was I to know she wanted me to text more while she said nothing? What sense does that make? How could she be this upset about that?
I talked to her for two hours. Near the end I wanted to cry, I had spent all day feeling awful about my family and whole life being turned upside down. She continued to refuse to talk to me about that when I would try and ask. Eventually I told her that I would need to take a break from speaking with her if I would need to fight her and this situation in my life, she told me she was certain I didn’t care about her feelings and hung up on me.
I don’t know what to do. Obviously I am in a rough state right now but I am failing to see how I deserved to be treated this way for not continuing to text her after she saw it and chose not to answer? Certainly she is allowed to feel like it sucks I have been communicating less but isn’t that somewhat understandable given the circumstance?
How do I communicate that this is unhealthy and I feel uncared for? I don’t understand why she was so upset when I was ready to talk and trying to give her the thing she was asking for.
TL;DR – My mom (64F) was diagnosed with cancer shortly after I (32M) saw my LDR gf (28F) of 2.5 years, she is upset that I have been spending so much time with my family and been less available to speak on the phone. Now she is angry that I did not continue to text her after she did not respond, going so far as to tell me for two hours that she was too upset to talk about what I am going through. Hung up on me when I communicated that I needed her support during this time. How am I to move anything forward with her when I feel so unsupported? Is there a way to tell her how this affects me and that I cannot fight her at the same time?
21 comments
Your girlfriend has no empathy and is self centred and self involved.
Instead of being supportive she switched straight to jealous and entitled. The last thing she should have done was made that about her and how she was feeling.
I’m sorry about your moms diagnosis, spend as much time as you need doing family stuff and put your relationship on pause.
She’s upset you spend too much time with your family right after your mom got diagnosed with cancer? Jesus Christ, she needs to get a grip. Get away from that self centered attention seeking person and focus on your family. They need you more than ever right now.
I’ve had to moderate myself in responding, because the things I want to say about your girlfriend are neither nice, nor helpful, but I will say this – her attitude is entitled and disgusting.
When my dad was dying, I was a newlywed, and my husband could not have been more helpful, empathetic, or loving during the absolute worst time I’d ever lived through. He never complained, never made me feel like he wasn’t getting enough attention, and jumped at any task we requested of him. If your mom is not doing well, I urge you to devote the full measure of your attention there. Don’t play “pay attention to me!” relationship games with the petty woman you’re dating. If I were you, I would not want to pause my relationship, I’d want to end it. I wish nothing but the best for you and your mom (and family.) I am truly sorry you’re all going through this.
Sometimes people don’t show their true colors until there’s some sort of crisis. Looking back, was she always somewhat self centered?
I have been through losing a parent, and my spouse not being available due to his commitments and not being emotionally available. Also, my spouse had never lost someone so it was hard for him to understand.
When my dad remarried, he married someone who doesn’t do well when he has health issues due to prior loss. Shec is afraid of loss.
What I’m trying to say is a reason for your GF’s behavior it could be how she processes situations like yours.
Be honest with her on what you are going through.
When my mom passed, I would have to put relatives in a timeout box for my own sanity.
Sending healing prayers for you and your mom.
I’m sorry about your Mom and your girlfriend being an asshole.
My father was recently diagnosed with cancer and will be in active treatment for at least the next two months. He and my mom live about 4 hours away, and I’ve been going over about every other week to help them out and just spend time with them.
My husband and college age daughter are being incredibly supportive – taking over things I normally do, listening when I need to vent and giving me space when I need that too, and just generally being thoughtful and acknowledging how much stress I’m under, and how my parents *should* be my priority. That’s what a good relationship looks like, and you deserve that too. Someone who’s going to be needy and try to guilt you isn’t worth your time.
I’m not going to lie, I had to go back and read the ages again because this is behaviour I’d maybe expect from an 18 year old, not 28. I’m sorry about your mum, and also sorry you’re having to put up with this from your girlfriend.
>How do I communicate that this is unhealthy and I feel uncared for?
By breaking up with this self-absorbed thoughtless nightmare of a person. You can’t fix what’s wrong with her, all you can do is remove yourself form the problem. You have enough on your plate right now, just focus on your family and end things with this lunatic.
I am so very sorry to hear about your mom.
Your girlfriend is selfish & self-centered. Dump her & focus on your family.
Your girlfriend is exceptionally selfish, and is showing you the kind of partner she truly is.
When my parent passed away suddenly, I invited my best friend and my then boyfriend to keep me company (I lived in another country so could not be with family).
We had a nice night the three of us until it came time for me to say I wanted to go to bed. I told my boyfriend that it was time to go home as I wanted to sleep in my bed alone that night. But because my friend had been drinking and she had a longer walk home I let her stay on my couch.
My ex spent a good five minutes crying eavesdropping us behind my front door because he thought I chose this opportunity to cheat on him with my best friend (she was also happily engaged at the time and there had never been any reason to question either of us were cheaters). Ex also sent my friend a frantic message saying he needed help.
They didn’t tell me about it until maybe a month later when my friend told me it made her feel weird to get a text from him and then a “nevermind” the morning after.
I wanted to type this out to show that in my case you could see how my ex would have been upset I didn’t let him stay but let my friend stay. But in your case, OP, your girlfriend is just annoyed she isn’t getting all your attention. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
I’m so sorry about your momma. My brother is battling colon cancer so I feel your pain.
As for your girlfriend, that she is a grown ass woman acting like this is beyond embarrassing. Don’t allow her to steal anymore of your energy.
Right at the moment when you need her most, she deliberately and knowingly failed you. Just because she was jealous. That’s disgusting.
Is this what you want in a relationship? What happens the next time something bad happens? Is she gonna throw a fit because suddenly you’re not texting her as much?
Again, I’m sorry. —hugs—
🖤
Tell her you are taking a break then do a temp block.
You don’t need this right now. What a clusterfuck of behavior. Reserve your emotional energy for where it matters.
You are being given a gift right now. Your girlfriend is showing you exactly who she is.
Red flag psychopath alert.
For what it’s worth buddy we found out my mom’s diagnosis and she was gone 2 months later, how fast these things can happen is some of the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced and you have my complete empathy it is not easy what you’re going through.
The only way I got through it was because everybody around me was more supportive than I could have ever asked for and if anyone at all even my closest of friends had acted even a fraction of that self-centered as your girlfriend did I would have nothing to do with them.
I wish you and your family the best of luck. know that some stranger out there is really rooting for things to look up for you
Have you heard of the MIL’s manipulations to make DIL aware her new husband is a mama’s boy and wife will come second?
Your gf’s day long snit and two hour pity party is her manipulation to be put first over your Mom deteriorating to cancer.
My mom deteriorated over a 5 month period the week I had my second. My husband maintains a busy schedule. He cancelled everything extra, worked and came home, took leave, and was constantly searching around the house for things he could do. After she died, I got up because I had to take care of the kids. In one of those first few days he walked into the kitchen to find me standing there holding the baby and staring into space. He gently took the baby and gave me the kindest, gentlest look. It never occurred to him to complain about supporting us through my grieving.
Healthy, loving relationships are strong enough that the couple can take the sole focus off each other and mutually support another loved one. Your gf is relying on you to solely focus on her. That’s not healthy
Also, I don’t know how you managed to go around with her for two hours like that. I would have gotten off the phone long before
I am so so sorry dude, she is self centered, and made your family tragedy about her. This would be a deal breaker for me.
I’d break up with someone who makes things about them while you’re grieving and coming to terms with your Mom’s mortality.
She sounds borderline abusive and incredibly selfish. There is no way anything you say to her is going to get through her stubborn skull