Hi Reddit!
Looking for advice and what better place then from strangers on the internet. Here is some background on the situtation. My ex (24 F) and I met on Hinge back in late August of 2022 and were in an official relationship for four months (Realtionship ended in late February 2023). The week prior to the breakup I felt her behavior change and suspected this was coming. She broke up with me and said it was because she didn’t have the same feelings as in the beginning and the “spark” was not there anymore. She wanted to be friends after the breakup, I said I didn’t want to be friends right now and needed time to process the breakup, my feelings, and heal because I felt hurt and went no contact with her.
After reflecting on the relationship, my feelings for her, and myself I decided to reach out to her. I called her and expressed that I still had feelings for her, we had a lengthy conversation and she agreed to meet in person to talk. After meeting up in person she said she never expected to hear from me again and was surprised. She admitted that she was falling in love with me and the real reason she ended the relationship was because she likes and was expecting romantic gestures like in rom-com movies. She recognizes that it wasn’t necessarily “right” to have these expectations. I had no idea she liked gestures like these as we never talked about it. During the conversation she discussed scenarios like buying her flowers just because I was thinking of her. On one occasion she cut a date short because she had to pickup a relative and she wishes I would have said can I come with you so we can be together and we don’t have to cut our time together so short. Some of this stuff seemed realistic and I wish I had done it earlier on during the relationship, I get into my head about things like this and didn’t want her to feel like like I was overwhelming her in a way. In a sense using the flowers as an example it feels like giving gifts to someone, and I am someone that really could care less about gift giving. In fact if we never gave each other gifts ever I would be completely happy. Now I know thats not realistic and like I mentioned, I understand her point of view and getting her flowers just because is a reasonable request. I told her this and said I wish I had done stuff like and that I am capable of doing it. She told me she felt durning the relationship that she had a best friend and a partner, but the romantic gestures were not there to tie it all together. Ultimately, I also feel like this was an issue of a lack of communication and could have possibly been addressed rather than breaking up if this is the REAL reason why she decided to end it.
Here is now where it all starts to a get a little hazy for me (Which is only natural because my feelings are involved and I’m probably biased). She established that she is open to a relationship of boyfriend/girlfriend developing again, but wants to start off as “friends” (Open to friends with benefits and after the last few days of calls, texts, and facetimeing seems to be moving in this direction. We both agreed that we want to have sex.) in her words “I want to see if the romantic gestures can be backed up by actions and not just words. I want to go back to how it was when we were first dating and getting to know each other, I was so happy. I don’t want this just to be us getting together with the relationship being an end goal”. I still have feelings for her so I agreed we could be “friends” and see what happens naturally. After we concluded the conversation we hugged, kissed, and made out. I want to believe that what she said is genuine and sincere, but my feelings are involved and I’m biased. I have never been in a situation like this and felt so strongly about someone. I’m concerned that despite what she says she really just wants me around so we can have sex and hangout, until someone else comes along and then it would be just friends between us or she would date and I’ll be someone she’ll eventually settles for if she can’t find what it is she expects. I’ll admit it we share a lot of similarities and interest and if we never dated and I didn’t have feelings for her (and her for me possibly?) we could be great friends. Despite what she says I’m not sure our time apart was enough for her to process everything from the break up or if it was she has mixed feelings about me. She was surprised I reached out and she said she expected to never hear from me again and prior to us meeting she mentioned from our conversation that it was a lot to process and she was trying to sort through it all.
Naturally, even with my reservations I do want to pursue this “friends/friends with benefits/situationship (or whatever you want to call it) to see if we could develop into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Obviously, she felt the relationship fell short of her expectations and it seems there were issue that need to be addressed, such as communication between us. Logically, this seeing where it develops seems to make sense to see if the issues are still present while not being officially together. At the same time I am back on the dating apps and seeing what is out there so I don’t end up putting my eggs in one basket and getting hurt. My thinking is that short term we could be “friends” but ultimatley we both need to have another discussion to see if both of us want a relationship or if friends is all it could ever be. I’m also am trying to figure out a balance with these romantic gestures and us hanging out. Obviously I don’t want the gestures to seem ingenuine and I realize I’m probably not a high priority in her life as I was before. So any comments or tips around these points could be useful.
TLDR: My ex-girlfriend of four months broke up with me. I still have strong feelings for her. She says she is open to a relationship of boyfriend/girlfriend developing again between us. Right now it seems to be headed to the direction of friends with benefits/situationship. Looking for advice/feedback on how to navigate the situation, if it seems like she is being genuine (obviously hard to know as none responding here has meet her), how often I should try and hangout with her, and ideas/when I should try to included romantic gestures (i.e. buying her flowers because I was thinking of her).
4 comments
This is such a mess lol, first you date for a few months and she breaks up because she’s just not feeling it anymore. Then when you talk again she says she wanted you to do things that she never communicated about.
OP she’s just not that into you, sure the relationship may have lasted a bit longer if you read her mind and lived your life like a romance movie but she preferred to break up instead of talk to you about it.
Now she expects you to be romantic as “friends” (which is hilarious because you were never friends in the past and certainly aren’t now) and have sex but doesn’t want the “goal” to be getting back together.
Even if she decides to be your girlfriend again I guarantee she’s going to end it again shortly after.
If you want a relationship with someone who is crazy about you for exactly as you are, who is a good communicator, this chick isn’t it. If she wanted to be with you, she would be.
I would advise against her proposal, or proceeding with caution. You’re on two different wave lengths. It sounds like you’re settling for less than you want just to keep her around and physical with you.
It sounds like she doesn’t have much dating experience, and do doesn’t actually know what she wants from a committed relationship.
You should also look up the “5 love languages”. These are the essential 5 ways people tend to express affection for others, and how they want affection expressed to them. Words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, physical touch, quality time. Learn what yours is, as it’s obviously different than hers. And then try to understand hers. Talk to her about it after you think you’ve got a handle on it, and the fact you took the time to do that will probably mean something to her as it sounds like she’s in the “acts of service” category.
OP you have acquired a golden opportunity. This girl does not and will not love you ever. She broke up with you because she was looking for someone “better”.she is STILL looking for someone better btw. Use this opportunity to be romantic, charming and have lots of bedroom fun. In the meantime use these training wheels for when you find a girl who likes you back. If you believe your heart will not allow you to move on and it will hurt too much to be around her knowing she is STILL looking for someone even if you are spending time together in a situationship. Leave and never talk to her again. You are not a mind reader nor did she expect you to be. She is lying about the whole i wanted you to be more romcom, thats a load of hot garbage. She i trying to soften the blow.
I think you are totally misreading the situation and deluding yourself. The problem was NOT communication (as always). She was simply not into you and there was no chemistry. It’s perfectly fine to not buy flowers and gifts and yet have amazing crazy romance. Flowers and gifts don’t create attraction, you create attraction. She was trying to be polite with you and spare you ego, but she did trickle some truths about what the problem was. “She felt like she had a best friend” means she didn’t feel attraction. “She wants to start off as friends” means she still doesn’t feel attraction but her other options didn’t work out so she wants a backup plan, and it’s you. By accepting this bullshit you have become even less attractive to her, because it means you don’t have no self respect and no other options. You cannot fix it with more discussions and “communication”. Emotions and desires cannot be negotiated. My bet is that she will not even want to have sex with you as fwb. I’m sorry dude, I’m writing this with great sympathy but you have so many wrong ideas. You shouldn’t have reached out to her, instead, widen your options, date other girls and reflect and fix your mistakes.