TD:LR – I know about an emotional affair and never said anything to another wronged person. Should I say anything having no proof and no standing relationship with this person?
Over a year ago I (30s, F) ended a long term relationship due to a lot of issues, one of them being an emotional affair my ex (30s, M) had. As far as I know it was never physical, but there were love letters and songs shared, matching tattoos planned, and a lot of conversations that were emotional/sexual in nature. It lasted a few months to my knowledge. The affair partner was also in a long term relationship at the time, let’s call her Lisa (30s, F).
I’ve moved on, and with therapy, am doing much better for myself. I did not really know Lisa and I did not know her partner (30s, M) at all. A mutual friend told me after the breakup that my ex and Lisa were still in contact, although I don’t know the nature of their relationship at that time. I only know this friend was asked not to join a group outing where Lisa and her partner would be, as Lisa was afraid something would be said to her partner about her emotional affair. So, I can only assume her partner had no knowledge of it.
Which brings me to this week, where I found out (again through the mutual friend) that Lisa and her partner are now engaged. I never considered telling her partner about the affair as I did not save any proof (Facebook messages and texts that I’m sure have been deleted), and I really did not know him. I wanted to leave it behind me. But now the engagement has brought it back to the front of my mind and I feel like if I was in his position, I would want that information before committing to marriage.
Thing is, I have no evidence and it has been over a year. Maybe Lisa has come clean and they’ve worked through things. Maybe she’s never said anything or is continuing her behavior with my ex or someone else.
I think my best course of action is to leave him alone, and maybe also reconsider having that drama-stirring mutual friend in my life…but I am brought back to the moment I found out about the affair and am wondering if I would feel the same way in his shoes. Should I try to reach out?
4 comments
I think given the time passed and the lack of evidence that there isn’t anything you could do here.
You might make Lisa’s partner concerned or careful, but if I put myself in his place, someone he doesn’t know with no evidence and saying that it wasn’t physical would probably not be able to convince me to leave my fiancé. (But would be enough that if I eventually broke up with Lisa, I’d kick myself for not listening.) So you’ll be adding to his burdens instead of helping him, I’m afraid.
leave it. he might not know for the rest of his life and they live happily ever after or he might know about it later, that’s his business.
it feels like you want a revenge if you tell him. let the universe decide.
Be honest, you simply want revenge. No well intended excuses are necessary. But don’t worry, these people will surely fuck themselves up without your help anyway.
I would. I would just send a message like..
Hey – I know you don’t know me and have no reason to believe what I’m saying, but my conscience has made me feel like I should reach out to you. I just wanted to let you know that I used to date Bob for X years, and that I ended my relationship with him in x year because I found proof that he was having an emotional affair with your partner, Lisa. I don’t think it ever got physical, but i saw with my own eyes sexual messages between them, and other stuff, like them talking about getting a shared tattoo. Unfortunately I don’t have any of this evidence saved to share with you, so I understand that you might choose not to believe me. Either way I thought you should know. If you do have any questions or anything else you can get in touch with me and I’m happy to share more info. sorry for the weird and out of the blue-ness of this message.