Married for 5 years. We are currently going through counseling and we have had some difficulties navigating my wife’s religious changes. We were both in a church and my wife left and has had a problem “leaving it alone”. I accept that she left and support her in living hiw she wants, but she is typically trying to convince me that I must be a fool to believe what I believe. (She doesn’t say fool, but that’s the gyst).
We’ve been getting counseling for communication and navigating life changes. The church I go to is pretty conservative in LGBTQ stances. They don’t support performing non husband/wife marriages in their church, but also are firm that you shouldn’t bully/harass people who are LGBTQ.
My wife is Bisexual, and feels that I love her less and that this is somehow a root of our problems. I have assured her that her sexual orientation has not affected our relationship at all, in either a negative or positive way. I love her for who I see everyday as my wife and as a mother to my child.
When I started counseling I said I only wanted to share certain personal things as I was ready to share them. We live in a very liberal area and some of my views are very looked down upon, even though they are religious beliefs. My wife wants to tell the counselor even though I asked her not to. We are relatively new to this counselor and I don’t want our care to be affected based on what the counselor thinks of me. I personally feel that my views on LGBTQ has not impacted my views or actions with my wife or child. What do I do?
3 comments
Your wife is bi. Your church cleaves to the notion that any sex between same-sex individuals is a sin. Thus, half of your wife’s sexuality is wrong according to the church.
Because the church doesn’t accept who she is, your wife left the church, but you stayed. This put a strain on your marriage for obvious reasons, and you guys need counseling.
You’re happy to go to counseling, but you’re unwilling to tell the counselor your religious beliefs that are at the root of your marital problems. You think the best course of action is to HIDE your beliefs from the counselor. How is counseling supposed to work if you lie to the counselor?
This is like going to counseling bc your spouse had an affair, but the cheating spouse insists on hiding the infidelity from the counselor.
Sorry that your religious beliefs are so conservative as to be shameful, but you need to share them with your counselor. Those beliefs ARE your marital problem. Your counselor needs to know this so she can help you understand how your beliefs affect your wife- because you clearly don’t understand why it’s a problem.
*”I personally feel that my views on LGBTQ has not impacted my views or actions with my wife or child.”*
This is incorrect and you know it. Your wife is TELLING YOU that it is. You refute her accusations of homophobia/biphobia by saying you only view her as your wife and the mother of your children. But if you do not affirm her sexuality, you straight-up are not accepting of a part of who she is. By what you’re hinting, I take it you view her identity as a sin. Bisexuality is not just some kind of “flaw” you can *so chivalrously* overlook, it is an identity, a community, and a cultural experience. Most importantly it is a fundamental part of who your wife is.
*”If the LGBTQ stance was the core problem, then I’ve been lied to for our whole marriage.”*
You have not been lied to because *she is telling you that it’s an issue!* It’s also very common for people to grow in confidence about their sexuality over time and frankly, I’ve known SO MANY bi girls to get in relationships with non-affirming straight men when they have not yet found their footing as an LGBT+ person, but take issue with it as they grow in confidence and pride in their community.
You do not fully accept and affirm who she is, and you go to a church that probably thinks she is going to Hell and is probably fighting to take away her rights as an LGBT+ person in your region. I personally think churches like yours are even worse, because they’ll be “nice” about it while they talk shit behind your back and actively push agendas to make your life worse. And then expect a cookie for not, what, beating you in the street lmao???
We are living in a scary time for LGBT+ people and you do actually have to pick a side IMO. Is that side gonna be your wife’s?
I’m in the mental health field. Counseling/therapy only works if you are 100% completely honest. There is nothing you can say that we have not already heard, honestly.