[https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/s5x26z/my\_bfs\_girl\_best\_friend\_is\_treating\_me\_unfairly/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/s5x26z/my_bfs_girl_best_friend_is_treating_me_unfairly/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Wanted to post a quick update on this:
It’s been 3 months since I left my ex, and I’m doing better. I’m in a casual relationship with a lovely man who treats me so well, but we’re both leaving the country over the summer so we’re just going to maintain a long distance friendship. My ex, however, has been a complete asshole to me. I recently saw him at a concert with his friends and he came up to me and started singing a random song about 2 inches from my face and it just made me feel very uncomfortable. He’s also been telling people that I emotionally abused him. He knows about my past with childhood physical abuse, and how I was sexually abused by two of my ex’s as well, and he knows I have cPTSD because of all of this, so the fact that he’s still lying about me being abusive just blows my mind.
Anyways back to the point – he recently told his girl best friend that he has feelings for her – knowing that she’s in a relationship, and has been with her current bf for over a year. He’s also friends with her boyfriend, to make matters worse. She, of course, didn’t react well and is still with her boyfriend, but the point is – this is the second time a guy I’ve dated has admitted to feelings for the ‘girl best friend’, and so I’m convinced it’s unnecessary in a relationship, and only works very rarely, when the girlfriend, boyfriend, and girl best friend are clear on boundaries, and can act like mature, respectful adults. So it’s now a dealbreaker for me, and being clear with this has led to me dating my current boyfriend, who understands and respects my boundaries, and makes me feel very loved.
Curious on other people’s opinions on this – has anyone had a similar experience, or maybe a totally different experience?
4 comments
I don’t think it’s as clear cut as that but I don’t completely disagree with you and think it’s an entirely reasonable boundary for you to have.
I think men and women can be friends. One of my best friends is a man. There’s not and has never been anything between us. It is wonderfully, purely platonic. And he was/is just as close to my ex husband.
But another one of my best male friends is a recent ish ex (post my marriage ending). He couldn’t articulate his feelings for me until after we ended things so that made things weird but we did get to a friendship. BUT our feelings are always there, the connection is different. We’ll be hanging out normally and then there’ll be a moment where his eyes light up and I take a sharp intake of breath and it’s hard. We are both a priority to the other and we have this bizarre duality where we’re happy for the other when we are dating someone else and very respectful about it but we’re also really not happy about it. We never really talk about it but it just kind of sits there and honestly I sometimes just feel like I’m waiting for him to be ready and I know he thinks that too. It’s not healthy and it’s not fair on other people. But life’s complicated and life without the other in it wouldn’t make sense right now either. I carry a lot of guilt about that.
The difference? Me and No.2 were never just friends. Our baseline is different. I think if one person, let alone both of you has ever had romantic feelings, it is a completely different dynamic even if it’s just in one persons head. You can move on all you like, but the underlying fact is if there’s a connection, there’s a connection. In fact it’s the same with my ex husband, I don’t want him or to be with him, but our history DOES colour our friendship now. We’re lucky that he has a partner that gets it. I’m never going to jump him, the thought repulses me, but love doesn’t always just go away. It changes. Some people are mature enough to see that for what it is, some people find it harder and that’s just as valid.
But I also don’t think it will always colour it. We will shift the baseline eventually.
I’ve had bad experiences dealing with opposite gender friends so I understand where you’re coming from. I’m no longer comfortable dating someone with a close/best female friend, and I myself don’t feel comfortable to have a male best friend. I don’t trust men anymore to be 100% platonic with their best female friends.
Two of my exes cheated on me with a female friend; the first one actually ended our relationship to be with her. I was also dating someone who frequently said “I love you” to his female friend and she said it back. It drove me absolutely crazy when I found out that she sent him monthly postcards, all describing how much she misses and loves him. He dismissed me as being insecure and that I have nothing to worry about because she’s in her own relationship. (Yeah right, as if being in relationships don’t stop people from cheating) If that’s normal for a friendship dynamic, I don’t want any part of that. It seems absolutely inappropriate for friends to say those types of things to each other.
My former male best friend groped me during a movie, and was apparently one of those guys who only become friends with a woman in the hopes of one day sleeping with or getting into a relationship with her. Since this incident, I don’t trust men to just want to be my friend. I have male acquaintances, but will never become a close friend to a guy ever again.
I’ve had similar experiences. Bottom line is. Can women and men be friends? Certainly. Can most men and women be friends? No.
Not to sound like “I am better than others”. But, a great deal of people are immature, selfish and they cannot or will not enforce boundaries. So, for the friendship to work, there needs to be 2 people capable of only having a purely platonic friendship with boundaries.
My gf(42) is my best female friend but she had to earn that title. Previously held by a male too.
Some men can have female Friends and are able to keep things separated, but my best female friend is always going to be my gf.