So bit of background. We met at 16/17 had this really intense love and then split due to his parents not liking me. He broke my heart. We split for 3 years and then got back together. We’ve been together 9 years, married 4. We have 2 amazing children aged 5 and 3 and we have everything I ever wanted.
And its not enough. I’m bored. Id say I’m reasonably attractive. I work hard. Im smart. And I’m reduced to this housewife who is absolutely desperate for anyone to notice me. Unless I’m at work.
We’ve been going through a rough patch for the last 2-3 years. After i had our youngest I just had absolutely no sex drive. His touch made me flinch. I felt gross. And then covid hit and i had a mental breakdown. He was there. He was patient and kind and great. But he worked. He needed to work to keep a roof over our heads and it still wasnt enough.
He suspects he has adhd but he wont do anything about it. He won’t seek the help he needs. Instead hes on an antidepressant which has plummeted his sex drive and means he can’t ejaculate or maintain an erection. Meantime I came off my contraceptive and mine is sky high.
And then to top it all off weve both had emotional affairs over the last 9 years. Mine was with someone i was with in those 3 years we were apart. We were young and carefree and wild. We’d do things like sneak out at 2am to look at stars and have amazing chemistry. We never had sex but we came so close. He’s the one that got away
And my husband is not a bad guy. He tries. But the sex is boring. Its what we did at 17. Its clunky and clumsy and I need more. I need grown up sex. With someone who knows what theyre doing. He should know my body its been nearly a decade. He’s kind and brings me tea but i need excitement. He tells me I’m beautiful every day. But it doesnt excite me like it used to.
I would love to be in love with my husband. But I’m not. Im not attracted to him anymore. But I do love him. Hes home, hes safe and he hasn’t done anything wrong. And I’m not sure any amount of talking, any new techniques, any counselling will make me be in love with him. I’ve been trying for so long. I just want to not be a wife anymore. Not be a mum. Not be constantly giving. And to feel that chemistry again.
And I feel he deserves someone who loves him despite all his flaws. Whereas I’m struggling to see past them.
3 comments
Very honest post. This is not an easy one. There are phases to marriages and I’m not an expert. Maybe a therapist could help? Or a life coach.
I think it boils down to the fact that you’re married to someone while being in love with someone else.
None of the problems you listed aren’t fixable. They all easily are with good communication and teamwork. But viewing your husband the way you do pretty much counts that out already. Cut him loose if you’re not willing to try and can’t figure out how to live your husband romantically like the “one who got away”.
You talk about what he should do or what you want, but what are you giving him?
I see you’re a cheater, didn’t want to be intimate with him, and had a mental breakdown that required him to step up and step in. Personally, if I were HIM, I’d be exhausted.
So what are you doing to improve your marriage and who you are?