Ever since the beginning of our relationship I have noticed a couple marks along her spine. Having asked her about it of curiosity she didnt want to talk about it which was completely fine by me.
Yesterday morning we were laying in bed, when trough random comversation we ended up talking about places to have sex in our house. It just happened.
When the living room carpet comes up, at this point she says no I will not do that again. And afterwards tells me the scars on her spine were from a in her words (positive) sexual experience before she met me. This left me with a strange feeling.
I am completely accepting of her past, but after hearing this I do feel some sort of sadness. I am visually confronted with this particular experience everytime we shower, bathe, swim, have sex in certain positions.
I feel sad and don’t know exactly how I should be feeling.
Eventough this sucks, I still do really love her. Maybe I just had to get this off my chest. I do not feel comfortable sharing this with anybody in my own social circle, I feel this would be breaking her personal privacy.
I hope anyone could give me some advice.
Edit: Thanks for the comments, I appreciate the input and will try to redirect my energy to framing this differently. Eventhough I was under the impression that i am very accepting and just feeling down about having to be confronted with some pretty big permanent scarring for the rest of this loving relationship I now realize through most of your feedback I do not have the right to feel this way.
Any negative feelings I have now will pass over time.
32 comments
What are you sad about?
People have sex. Stuff like this is to be expected.
OP as a man who’s mind is not always my friend, I get where you are coming from. Sometimes, especially when we feel strongly for someone, our brain can do twisted things.
That said, in some instances, the best we can do is remember while we can’t control the thought we can control our reactions to them. In fact, just merely exacting that very mantra in and of itself robs power from the adversary (my brain) and immediately decreases its oomph. Given enough rehearsals, my brain tends to stop one effort to fuck me up and contrives a whole new one.. perhaps it will work for you as I fear this may be one of those instances where “when there is nothing to do everything gets done” or “if there is nothing broken there is nothing to fix” or abysmal as it sounds “it just takes time”. Keep reminding the enemy here (our brains) who is boss. Good luck.
Your parents had sex to create you.
Enjoy this visual experience every time you see them.
Eh. This is no big deal.
If you feel jealous and she is ok with rough stuff you can give her ass a temporary hand print. Otherwise just remember that that thing she does that drives you wild in bed… she don’t learn that on the internet.
It’s from rug burn and it’s very painful l, it’s happened to me and I’ll never have sex on carpet again. Suggest a romantic night , movie night. My friends pull their mattress downstairs watch a movie, dinner in bed lol and sex, and they sleep down there too. Or get a futon that can be pulled out. You just have to think outside the box how to help her feel comfortable
I don’t t understand why it hurt your feelings? I can understand maybe feeling a little off, sort of like someone having a tattoo with an ex, but your feelings hurt? It was an accident during a positive encounter. Would it be OK if she got it falling down the stairs? Is this a little bit of next level insecurity? 🤔
It’s a tough thing to reconcile.
It’s a reminder of both something that hurt the one you love AND a reminder of an experience she had with someone before you that you will not have with her as a result.
I would recommend talking to your girlfriend about it. Quite often i feel…out of sorts myself about this sort of thing. I don’t always know why.
I revert to talking to my fiance and asking questions to explore and investigate what’s bothering me. Always ends up with me better understanding what’s wrong and with me being able to work through my feelings.
Good luck
most of these comments are ridiculous. of course it would and should bother you to have a visual reminder of the woman you’re with sleeping with another man on her body. if i were you i’d be pissed she said it so nonchalantly and felt the need to include the fact that it was pleasurable. Sounds like she’s someone who doesn’t care whether the man she’s dating is uncomfortable.
Redditors gonna reddit i guess, god forbid a man doesn’t want to think about his s/o with someone else
Dude… people have sex. Why let a scar get you down?
You’re with her now. She’s happy? She’s comfortable around you? She enjoys sex with you?
If you answer yes to those, then who cares?
Don’t let these overly sex positive weirdos get you down, OP. Most people don’t have scars from sex, that by itself is strange, but the fact that she looks back at getting those scars as a positive experience is also *really* strange.
Others gave fantastic advice on dealing with negative thoughts. I’m not a jealous person and I don’t worry about my partner’s sexual experience, but I have other similar issues I struggle with. You should listen to that advice, it’s important… but I’ll say one other thing.
Your partner could’ve had 0 past partners or 1000. They could’ve had amazing, mindblowing sex or terrible experiences, often both. They probably had partners who had physical attributes you wish you had. They probably had unique experiences you cannot replicate or replace.
But I say: Who cares? Who are they with now? You.
The person they are is the summation of their collective experience, and it led them to you. You share a similar position in their heart, but you understand and have internalized that your experiences are your own and don’t have any bearing on her. Try and see if you can grow to give her the charity you grant yourself.
She knows she doesn’t want to fuck on the carpet because she did it before and it left scars. How’d it come up? You were discussing how you could better make love together. If you can build a healthy conception of her as a human being, instead of an object of desire, you’ll understand the only person truly hurt by those scars was her.
I say, lay down a soft blanket and create new memories together. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Are you asking if you get to be upset that she has sex before you?
No
I get it man. I’m a man much, much older than you (43) and in a relationship with a woman my age. She and I have both been married before and are divorced now. We both have children from other spouses. She can talk all day about her ex-husband and I am never bothered even a little.
But when she talks of positive sexual experiences from early in her life, my lizard brain wakes up and I have these weird jealous feelings. Jealous of something she did 20+ years ago, experiences she had that were actually pretty similar to my own. I do not know why I have the feelings I do, but I know I can’t really help it. Logically, it’s silly. But lizard brain disagrees.
It’s ok to have a lizard brain response internally, then sort of “come to terms” with it. This is easier now at 43 than it was at your age, but it’s still not always easy. Just give yourself a minute to take a time out, try to think through it logically and not assign blame or jealousy or any misplaced feeling. Then move on.
People will judge you only for your actions (that is, verbally abusing her or guilt-tripping her about it, or acting insecure, or whatever else) but they can’t judge you for thoughts you have, then dismiss.
Yet another post about a dude being sad/upset he learned about his partner having a sexual experience before him. It’s not like she flaunted this, you asked multiple times before and she said she didn’t want to talk to you about it. Let go of your pride.
No offense, but you are being absolutely ridiculous.
My friend dated a girl with her ex-husband’s name tattooed on her butt cheek.
When I asked him how that made him feel seeing that every time, he told me it just gave him a target to aim at.
(Yes, that means exactly what you think it means).
Be like my friend.
My wife gave me herpes, we’re still married 5 years later. I think you’ll be fine man
I think you actually have a right to feel however you feel. Just don’t judge or blame her for it. It’s something you’ll have to get over. I think with time you’ll feel better. I understand not wanting a constant reminder of your partner’s previous sexual experiences, but I trust that you’ll be able to get over it and move on.
Past experiences (and their evidence) are often a reminder that you have the possibility of being temporary yourself. The sexual experiences of a partner often reflect the partner’s conscious choices (exceptions for assault, of course). “But she’s with you now,” doesn’t change the reality that she is no longer with the people she fucked previously. It’s important to know why, and you may never know. Maybe she loved them. Maybe she didn’t.
It’s kind of hard to believe someone loves you specifically or will love you when people are so expendable and replaceable. Carpet fuck dude was clearly a great experience, so why didn’t it work out? What’s to say things will work out with you even if the sex is great? Why put in effort into a relationship when it’s just replaceable anyway with another carpet fuck guy in the future?
I think a lot of the sadness comes from the realization that love or sex with any person is just a temporary thing for many people. Faces/personalities seem to just be interchangeable sexual and relational puzzle pieces. That can make you sad, or it can make you happy to enjoy the time you have with your specific person.
Imagine how it feels to date a single mom 😂
I’d look at this another way. Every single one of us bares the scars of our previous experiences – physical, mental, and emotional.
Everything that your girlfriend has experienced has made her the person that you’re able to love today – the scars on her back are just a physical manifestation of her journey.
I hope I never have to date again. I never thought how awkward bringing up the permanent scars I have on my thighs and ass would be.
I…just don’t understand the problem? I don’t understand why you’re upset, OP. The scar(s) have nothing to do with you, it doesn’t bother her, so…?
Sounds like you’re trying to assume something that doesn’t exist for her. Maybe think about that some more.
Good luck.
I don’t think the takeaway from everyone’s feedback should be that you don’t have a right to feel how you feel… your feelings are valid, normal and you have a right to your feelings. Also the fact that you recognize your feelings is mature and you’re very self aware.
oh no! my 22 year old girlfriend slept with someone else before she met me 🙁 and she told me things I explicitly asked for 🙁
I’m confused, are the marks not rugburn…? Why does this bother you so intensely? It’s not like someone burned her with a cigarette.
Hell, my girlfriend won’t have sex on a balcony because the last time we did it she got a splinter in her knee.
i don’t understand what the issue is. you say you’re like being reminded of her past experiences but why would you even need to be reminded in the first place.. like that’s just a common fact that people have sex, youre partner is gonna have partners before you, thats a pretty basic assumption to have with anybody youre gonna get with unless youre in one of those crazy christian religions where girls get married off to the youth group leader when they hit 18. you’re jealous of people she was with before she even knew you? I swear I’m not trying to be shady but I genuinely don’t understand what the core issue is here. when you see her lips are you reminded of the dicks she’s sucked before yours? when you see her hands do they come with images of all the hand jobs she’s given or fingerings she’s recieved? like do you see why I’m confused? she wasn’t with you at the time why would any of that be a problem.
You don’t need advice you judt need to get over the fact you are jealous of her previous experience. You said you aren’t but you are. Why don’t you try something new with her instead? Don’t be that who ruins a relationship because he can’t get over that his ex had fun before him.
Your partner had sex before you. Grow up?
I have the same situation with my husband, I’m a female. Someone had scratched his back and left marks. Personally I don’t think about it anymore, but we’ve been together for 10 years. That being said in the beginning it was hard. He told me it was a one night stand, I know who with, we kinda laughed it off since it was such an odd situation. Personally though I hated that she “left her mark on him” I guess over time I realized I know him better than anyone else ever has, we have given each other new sexual experiences, and I know he enjoys our sex significantly more. Also I wash his back all the time now in the shower, he loves it. After we got engaged she tried to add me on Facebook and I asked how she knew me and didn’t accept her friend request after she said a funeral 😂
Also to add maybe ask her how she would feel about riding you in the living room, lay a soft or silky blanket down first, or maybe an air mattress, something you guys can do that together that will take that memory away from the living room association, but be pleasant for her.
i dont understand what you are saying at all. do you think you own her or sth?