I know this is personal preference but my husband says he wants to have a baby but that he’s not ready (he’s 37 and I’m 35) we’ve been together 5 years, married for one. I get he wants to be married for a little bit but I don’t want to wait much longer. I think he’s so scared about it. Just looking for advice on how to talk to him about it I guess. He gets mad that I keep bringing it up and I don’t want to pressure him but I don’t want to wait another year before we start trying.
** UPDATE- my husband agreed to go to my obgyn with me to discuss our options and she can’t see me for 2 months. So I guess he gets some more time and we can make sure we are ready to remove my IUD by then assuming my dr approves.
28 comments
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Are you both prepared to give up the majority of your freedom and free time for the next 20 years?
If yes, then you’re ready.
Despite the tone of my first sentence, it is worth it!
I don’t wanna sound insensitive because I’m not a Woman and can’t give birth even if I squinted my eyes as hard as I could…
But you are 35. You are around that age where you have to make a decision now. You need an urgent talk about children and how many you want. You need to speak to him about this, nobody is ever “ready” for a baby. He should not be offended, you are both married, this is just basic ass life planning.
My wife told me đ
Once I’d had a steady job for a couple years I was ready. Took another couple years for her to be ready too.
First is due in August. I still don’t feel **ready** despite all our preparation, but we’ll figure it out as we go.
You guys should discuss it openly and honestly. Make time for it explicitly. This is the single most important decision in a relationship. When I was in my early-30’s my wife was putting soft to hard pressure on me to have a kid. I’d never really felt the urge to have a kid and I was then put on the spot to commit to it. I came to conclusion that I didn’t want a kid.
We ended up getting divorced but it was for the best. I am now 10 years later planning on getting a vasectomy and, after having a decade to really reflect on it, I am confident I made the right decision. I simply don’t want to have kids.
Too many people do not think this through and end up taking the path of least resistance, to have a kid in lieu of divorce. The social pressure is certainly there but having a kid is not for everyone. Also, I’ve noticed that when one partner doesn’t want the kid and the other does extreme dissatisfaction can mount resulting in poor parenting, divorce (so now a single-parent household and negative impacts on the kid(s)), or negative coping behaviors like drinking, gambling, affairs, etc.
You should also consider whether you would want to remain in the marriage if you both decided not to have a kid. Would you still be happy? That may shed some perspective on what it would be like to be in a relationship not meeting your needs.
I’m remarried to a partner that’s also committed to not having kids. The compatibility is important.
No one can tell you what its going to be like. Your whole life changes radically and it no longer becomes your own.
That being said, at your age, the sooner the better.
Oh and having a stable high paying job is when I felt it was plausible.
My parents were dirt poor and it fucking sucked.
Youâre 35 so biologically you donât have much time left to wait. Timing will never be perfect if he thinks he needs to wait for the right time.
I have two. My wife passed away 7 years ago. In these uncertain times, make sure the finances are right.
I don’t think there was a singular point where it just hit me. It happened over a period of time as I saw other men with their children and thought about it enough that I realized I wanted it, too. I think about it every day but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it will never happen for me. I hope it will for you. My advice is to take drastic measures if you have to, because you’re going to regret it every day of your life if that window closes before you do it.
Our mothers told us they expected grandkids
I felt hugely pressured, my husband did as well.
We love our boys (both adults) but he and I are very vocal that we had them due to pressure and itâs been difficult at times. Weâve since told our children that grandkids who bark and meow are just fine with us and never feel they owe us anything on the reproductive front.
You are at that tipping point of age but if isnât ready, what about egg retrieval?
I was done with my formal schooling and had a decent job. Also, my wife’s bio-clock was ticking.
There was never a point in my life where I said to myself, “Yes, I’m ready and financially capable of having a kid.” But here I am almost twenty years with my wife and four great kids, living the best life I could imagine. Obviously it’s way different of a lifestyle with kids but it’s awesome.
Somehow you need to show him how much fun life is with kids, if he doesn’t see that then I’m sorry, and you may need to move on or live with his decisions.
If you’re waiting for the right time to have a kid, there is NEVER a right time. There can always be a finances aren’t good enough, house isn’t big enough, need to go one one last big vacation together – excuse. My wife and I talked about kids from day 1 of our relationship. There was never any doubt that’s what she wanted. After being together 4 years and both of us at age 26 she told me she was ready. I honestly don”t think asking if I was ready was ever asked. Lol! Why? I guess we just both knew without saying it that my input was less crucial. She was the one taking on so much of the burden. So yeah….had our first at age 27 and we had our 4th and last at age 35. Not sure why people fret sooooooooooo much over when is the right time. Life has a way of figuring itself out.
It’s very possible he’s being passive aggressive and what he really means is that he doesn’t want kids.
When the cops werenât catching me while shoplifting.
The earlier you have kids, the more likely it is you will get to see them become adults.
Your husband is a selfish jerk.
It doesnât matter if heâs ready. Youâre ready. Your body will never be more ready than it is now.
Despite the commonly optimistic attitude towards midlife pregnancy, a womanâs fertility is not endless. If you want the best chance at an uncomplicated, healthy birth, start trying now.
Heâs 37 for Christâs sake. What does he need to do that he hasnât already done? What is wrong with these guys. I donât get it. Just have the goddamned kid already.
I decided to do it after my father in law died. Long term spouses generally die right after each other. So the “plan” was to give her mother some new and happy to distract her and keep her around. Since that’s what worked with my grandmother.
You’ve never going to truly be ready for kids, but as long as you have a home and somewhat solid finances beforehand you can probably handle a kid.
Tell your husband that no one is ever ready for kids.
You may be financially ready, but you are not prepared for the hardest, yet most rewarding thing you will ever do.
If he doesn’t want kids at all, that’s his choice. But if he wants kids, and you can afford it, stop wasting time!
He doesnât want kids and is afraid to tell you that.Heâs being passive aggressive by not wanting to talk about it.
I brought it up. We agreed to chew on it for a year before committing.
he might be scared, domt force it on him he knows
Nobody is ever ready for kids, no matter the preparations made. You’ll never have any idea what to prepare for. Being a parent is something you learn on the job.
My mom had me, her only kid, at 43. Her sister had her kid at 42. You still have around a decade to have children. Thereâs no need to make a decision now, despite what the internet tells you
Youâre never ready for kids. And hereâs the secret: nobody knows what theyâre doing. If you want kids have them. It will never be âthe right timeâ. I give the same advice to every friend who is having their first child:
1) donât listen to parenting advice, nobody knows what theyâre doing, what worked for one child wonât work for another. Youâll find your own way.
2) spend as much as you can afford on a hood stroller. You use it way more than you think and you need to have the best one that fits your lifestyle.
Thatâs it. Good luck.
I was drunk and she said just stick it in
I was 34 and she was 33. It just snapped in me and I said “let’s make a baby, how about now?”
My daughter is almost 6.
Honestly, I think people in their 30s have a very unrealistic expectations of how young they are. At 35 if you get pregnant tomorrow you will have a very risky pregnancy. It is called a geriatric pregnancy.
Both you and your husband are very old to have a first child and possibly too old to have a 2nd child (once you factor in daycare and waiting a bit etc).
If I could go back in time I would have had a kid earlier and had a 2nd but at this point at 40 we are just too old. My wife’s periods are getting further apart and while we are both in great shape, stuff is getting a little stiff and the idea of having a baby again seems insane at this age.