We knew each other for 2 years, attended the same college and even went on vacation together this summer. She originally lived 7h away from uni with her bf and moved back and forth every few months to attend classes. Bc it was going to be our last semester we planned to move in together for the remaining months.
**We rented a place** without seeing it in person, only via zoom. The minute she arrived she wanted to move out. It was a cute place but her bf (who was there to help) felt sick. He had allergy to mould. Even though they couldn´t find any she decided that was enough to not want to live here. Reason: Her bf could never visit her. I felt so hurt but understood and quickly organized someone else since I couldn´t afford to pay rent by myself. And it turned out I clicked extremely well with my new flatmate. She and I spent every 1-2 days together. My bff got jealous and told me she wanted to see me every day. I should ask for meetups since she didn´t want to get on my nerves. I only asked once a week bc that was enough for me.
After three months she broke down crying why she was 2nd priority now. I explained I naturally spend more time with my new flatmate bc we live together. And that I got busy with uni and if she wanted to do more she could propose something directly. But she rarely did. She felt guilty for leaving me alone in the apartment and I comforted her. I was not angry. Also she complained that I once asked her to hang out after my flatmate canceled. And I invited her to meet in threes a few times. All of that made her feel less worthy. She also got hurt bc I didnt answer for 2 days several times. I apologized and explained I fell into a depressive episode during exam phase. Totally my fault. I did my best to reconcile and answered quickly. I thought things were getting better. But I was wrong. She turned down almost all invitations I sent to meet (alone). And she now ignored *my* text for days.
**On her last day of uni** she eventually called me again. She felt uncomfortable in our friendship. Things got better over the last weeks but couldnt make up for the weeks before. I apologized again and promised to keep showing attention. I bought flowers, drove to her house and said my goodbyes.
**After she moved** I asked her to visit her the following months but she overread my text. Only texted me organizational stuff for uni. Asked her again if she got time so I could come visit but she didnt know. Promised to tell me soon. I never heard from her ever since, that was 1 month ago. I since then texted her twice telling her a harmless inside joke from our vacation and two weeks later that I miss her. She´s active on social media so she´s well. I feel helpless and like I fucked up.
What would you do?
18 comments
This sounds more like a romantic breakup than one between two friends…
Look, I mean, change was going to come for the two of you one way or another. You only had one semester left; what were you going to do after that, move in with her bf?
All I’m trying to say is that she was being SUPER unreasonable and overreacting about being displaced; your actions are normal. So don’t feel too bad about this outcome. It sounds like she found her own (immature) way of moving on.
Some people are your friends by proximity and then they leave and the friendship fizzles.
You handled the living situation well, and you’re very fortunate to have wound up with a flatmate you get along well with. That’s no small feat!
The long and the short of it is that BFF prioritized her boyfriend before you (which is fair), but wouldn’t allow you the same freedom to prioritize anyone above her. She was absolutely second priority in your life and that was both fair and unavoidable. Your life is not meant to stop once she no longer becomes a full-time participant. That’s selfish.
You’ve gone above and beyond what’s required to give her a chance at treating you fairly, and she sadly squandered them. My opinion is that you should aim at making friends who appreciate whatever time and effort you’re willing to give, and let go of the ones who will use their jealousy/insecurities against you. Shame on her for trying to guilt-trip you, and for ultimately refusing to give you the respect you earned.
>We rented a place without seeing it in person, only via zoom. The minute she arrived she wanted to move out. It was a cute place but her bf (who was there to help) felt sick. He had allergy to mould. **Even though they couldn´t find an**y she decided that was enough to not want to live here
This is extremely weird
You didn’t do anything wrong here. You didn’t fuck up.
Sometimes, friendships fall out. Sometimes over money, or living arrangements, or other relationships, or reasons that don’t make any sense. Sadly, you may never quite make heads or tails of the whys here.
So move on. You don’t need to block her on socials, but hide her so you aren’t seeing a reminder of her. Take a little time to mourn an ended friendship. It’s ok to be sad about the end of a friendship. But don’t invest any more time in trying to fix it. Spend your time and energy in your life on the friendships in your life that wouldn’t ghost you.
How specifically do you feel like you “fucked up”?
Friendship is a two-way street.
I only read the title, but I would say the trash took itself out. Don’t let it back in. You don’t need that kind of drama in your life. I’m really sorry you’re likely losing a good friend, but an actual good friend would understand.
She sounds like she’s playing the woah poor pitiful me card… complains/cries cause you dont hangout with her enough but never once herself reaches out to make arrangements and just wants the pulity card played on her. I’d still be her friend if she wants maybe drop a meme/txt once a week for a month or 2 and if she doesnt answer at all then I’d justeave it at that you tried and its up her to get out of her own way but it sounds like you struck gold with your new roomie I would just have a blast with her and live your life! Its to short to try and please everyone or get mixed in drama.. Do you and have fun!
Honestly sne sounds possessive. You didn’t do anything wrong. She literally bailed on you at the last moment and you handled it like a champ.
You are allowed to have other friends, your platonic friendships aren’t always going to be your priority. Honestly she sounds a tad emotionally unstable.
I would just let it be. She clearly needs space. She needs to be more realistic. She also could have insinuated hangouts. I don’t get upset if someone doesn’t answer my text for two days; I would be worried.
Maybe it is for the best when you and your friend break up. You both behaved as if you were in a relationship. She reacted as if you were her property and you can’t have other friends, you need to have her as the number one… Funny, when she let you hang because of her bf. She demand stuff that she isn’t willing to give. If the roles were reversed and you had skipped the apartment deal, your “friend” would have made you a living hell. And i wonder if her bf faked the allergy just so you both don’t live together. I mean, otherwise he wouldn’t see his gf never and he mostly find the relationship between you both pretty shady and thought “when they also live together, they will either finally end as lovers or i need a chainsaw to remove my gf”.
You are just 24. You will met people, find new friends, find love. But what your friend does is just unhealthy. She is controlling, jealous and toxic. Even in a relationship this behaviour is too much. And you both are just friends. You may think about the great times you spend together as friends, but people change. And friendships change. Stop trying to excuse yourself because you did nothing wrong. If your friend can’t accept that you have a life outside of her…
You didn’t do anything wrong, sounds like moving in together didn’t work out. She’s moved on, you should too.
This isn’t a good friend!!
That girl IS NOT A FRIEND.
She wanted you to cater to HER NEEDS EVERY SINGLE TIME. She has the idea YOU BELONG TO HER AND THAT FRIENSHIP IS CONDITIONAL.
You sweetheart, GOTTA WORK ON BOUNDARIES. You attracted the most PSYCHOLOGICALLY UNHEALTHY WOMAN ON THIS PLANET.
She’s a Narcissist.
I SAY BLOCK HER AND STOP LOOKING AT HER SOCIAL MEDIA. She didn’t give one shit about you and abandoned you when you got the apartment. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR PEOPLE, all it does is prompt you psychologically TO GIVE THEM A PASS EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY LET YOU DOWN.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-friends/
That girl IS NOT A FRIEND.
She wanted you to cater to HER NEEDS EVERY SINGLE TIME. She has the idea YOU BELONG TO HER AND THAT FRIENSHIP IS CONDITIONAL.
You sweetheart, GOTTA WORK ON BOUNDARIES. You attracted the most PSYCHOLOGICALLY UNHEALTHY WOMAN ON THIS PLANET.
She’s a Narcissist.
I SAY BLOCK HER AND STOP LOOKING AT HER SOCIAL MEDIA. She didn’t give one shit about you and abandoned you when you got the apartment. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR PEOPLE, all it does is prompt you psychologically TO GIVE THEM A PASS EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY LET YOU DOWN.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-friends/
That girl IS NOT A FRIEND.
She wanted you to cater to HER NEEDS EVERY SINGLE TIME. She has the idea YOU BELONG TO HER AND THAT FRIENSHIP IS CONDITIONAL.
You sweetheart, GOTTA WORK ON BOUNDARIES. You attracted the most PSYCHOLOGICALLY UNHEALTHY WOMAN ON THIS PLANET.
She’s a Narcissist.
I SAY BLOCK HER AND STOP LOOKING AT HER SOCIAL MEDIA. She didn’t give one shit about you and abandoned you when you got the apartment. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR PEOPLE, all it does is prompt you psychologically TO GIVE THEM A PASS EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY LET YOU DOWN.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-friends/
STOP REACHING OUT TO HER AND STOP APOLOGIZING!
One apology (even though I don’t believe it was necessary) is more than enough. Stop trying to repair something that is obviously broken and stop bending to her. She’s only ignoring you because you’re reaching out. Once you stop, she’ll start reaching out again acting like she wants a friendship again. You’d do best just to cut it off. Don’t tell her why or give some long explanation. Just stop reaching out and move on with your life.
This friendship sounds like way too much drama over super tiny things. She just seems toxic from the way she’s described in the post.
She’s almost 30 but sounds like a 13 year old.