I have been dating L for almost 5 months now. L is very sweet and great company, but has many sources of stress and unhappiness in her life: past trauma, health issues, financial worries, and a lack of self esteem. She admits that she often has suicidal thoughts, and has acted on these thoughts during our relationship (which culminated in me driving to her place at the middle of the night to get her to vomit up some pills she had taken).
L often tells me that I make her happy and has even insinuated that I am the only source of happiness in her life. One the one hand I am glad she feels this strongly about me, but on the other hand knowing that she places such importance on our relationship makes me worry that she has become dependent on me.
In the 5 months we have been dating I have tried my best to be supportive. At the end of the day however I have my own issues to deal with, and have struggled with my own mental health a lot in the past (which required a lot of therapy and hard work to stay on top of). To make matters worse, L comes from a very wealthy but somewhat dysfunctional family with whom she has an at times frosty relationship, and I am exasperated at the lack of communication between her and her relatives (with L often being reluctant to ask them for help).
L was recently admitted to hospital for 4 days a chronic health issue, during which time I visited her each day (being the only person to do so). I think this might have been the last straw, as a day or two after she was discharged I experienced a (thankfully brief) bout of depression and feeling of burnout, along with the realisation that something has to change.
I feel awful admitting this, but I feel as though I am taking on too much responsibility this early on in the relationship. L is a wonderful person and none of her problems are her fault, but at times I feel I have practically become a caregiver when we should still be in the honeymoon phase. I can feel myself emotionally checking out of the relationship because I can sense that it is slowly becoming unhealthy and codependent. L refuses to ask for help from her family and leans too much on me, and this early on in the relationship I am not even remotely ready to be someone’s sole support system.
L and I had a trip planned for later in the year, which she is very excited about, but I think we need to call it off because I am worried that it will just cement the dynamic of our relationship even more, and because frankly the entire situation is making me too stressed out and anxious to enjoy being on holiday. I feel as though we need to take a step back and get her help addressing the different issues in her life, so that she feels better about herself and does not lean on me to the extent that she does.
How do I navigate things going forward? I am planning on speaking to L in person tomorrow and communicating these feelings to her, as well as encouraging her to approach her family for help. I worry that telling her that we should call the holiday off and take a bit of a step back in our relationship will go down like a lead balloon, and potentially even prompt her to do something drastic (e.g. hurt herself). I would really appreciate any advice on how to handle the situation.
TL;DR Girlfriend of 5 months leans very heavily on me in the relationship and does not seek enough help for life problems from family etc., to the point where it’s starting to affect my own mental health. Need to get girlfriend to take a step back and get the help she needs but unsure how to approach the discussion.
3 comments
It’s important to encourage her to seek help outside of the relationship, but ultimately she has to make that decision herself.
>She admits that she often has suicidal thoughts, and has acted on these thoughts during our relationship (which culminated in me driving to her place at the middle of the night to get her to vomit up some pills she had taken).
It’s very, *very* likely that a person with this trait is not ready to be in a relationship.
If you are not even able to manage yourself, a relationship normally brings out all of the worst parts of your mental illness.
>One the one hand I am glad she feels this strongly about me, but on the other hand knowing that she places such importance on our relationship makes me worry that she has become dependent on me.
Absolutely – how could she not be dependent on you?
She has tried to kill herself already. That means her mental health is close to “0” – she is not able to manage her own mind. Her current life task is “develop the resilience to cope with life”.
Well, you already have that resilience. If she lacks it, then in a relationship she is obviously going to become dependent on you – why would a relationship cause her to suddenly grow a psychological faculty she never possessed on her own?
A faculty, I will add, which is essential to be able to have a healthy relationship.
>L and I had a trip planned for later in the year, which she is very excited about, but I think we need to call it off because I am worried that it will just cement the dynamic of our relationship even more, and because frankly the entire situation is making me too stressed out and anxious to enjoy being on holiday
I don’t believe you think it’s the holiday that needs to be called off – I think you believe it’s the entire thing, but perhaps you haven’t quite managed to face that fact yet.
The truth is, you are absolutely certain that you couldn’t tell her any of this without an extremely negative reaction from her. It’s inappropriate to have relationships with people who are completely incapable of looking after themselves, and with whom you are certain you cannot have any adult conversation.
You’ve just started to really get an understanding of this. You’ve just started to realize that this relationship is only making her sick and that she cannot participate in it to any extent that an adult relationship requires.
I think the answer from that point is obvious – you should not be in a relationship with this woman. I’m sure the thought of ending things makes you terrified that she’ll take her own life, and all I can say is that the sooner you end it, the smaller that risk is.
By refusing to participate, you might even show her a way forward – to a person in her state, an individual saying “I really don’t believe either of us can be well in this relationship – I’m ending things” shows her a type of strength she would need to understand and copy if she is ever going to be well.
Our mental health issues are not our fault but they are our responsibility to manage and seek help for. If she truly cares for you she will understand that she is putting unfair expectations on you to keep her “happy”, which isn’t true in the slightest as she is still suffering and has self harmed while being with you. As well as the stress that comes with you being her only support system, she needs professional help. She has to help herself if this relationship is going to have any chance of lasting.
The best thing you can do is be honest. The relationship as it is isn’t sustainable.