My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year, and have been very closer friend for much longer. We have an amazing relationship and have had very few arguments and no serious issues. We are currently medium-long distance (about an hour away) during college, but see each other on most weekends. We lost our virginity to each other, and although we have had sexual encounters in previous relationships, we have only had sex with each other.
Earlier today, we were on the phone casually talking about people we know in open relationships. I explained that I feel like any kind of open relationship is a lite version of cheating. There would be no need for a couple to see other people if they were truly satisfied with their partner, and looking to another whether for sexual, romantic, or social fulfillment other than your partner shows cracks in the relationship. She said that she simply views an open relationship as adventurous, exciting, and fun, and that some people need variety. She then said that she would be interested in having an open relationship if I was, of which I strongly objected. I told her that she was all I needed to be satisfied, that I would never see another woman, and that I would be upset if she did.
Then she switched gears and asked if I would be okay with a threesome. I again objected, now a bit angered. I told her that I would be against it, regardless of the gender of the third person. She said she would be down for a threesome, claiming how adventurous and exciting it would be. I refused adamantly, and explained that sex is love to me and that I would not invite another woman into sex – and another man would be an absolute betrayal. I further explained that there very thought of a threesome is not a fantasy I have – when I would watch porn (I currently do not, but used to in my younger years), threesome porn would turn me off even if it was with two girls, and it simply was not at all arousing for me. She told me she would appreciate some variety in our relationship. Angered, I told her I had to go and hung up. I have not communicated with her at all since then.
I never knew she thought like this, and was appalled that she even requested it. For someone who sees eye-to-eye with me on everything, this feels almost heartbreaking. We have been discussing getting married after college and I had every intention of proposing within the next two years (we have known each other for very long at this point, and given the way our relationship is, I have every intention of living the rest of my life with her). And now this? It is a slap in the face to me. My ego has crumbled, my trust in her has dwindled, and I am truly unsure what to do from here.
What should I do when I call her again, or when she calls me? Does something like this constitute a breakup, considering she knew my stance and insisted anyways? When it comes to the long term (an marriage), shouldn’t my partner and I have the same/similar sexual desires?
16 comments
You’re teenagers. You don’t need a threesome to have exciting experiences (and it’s usually the last thing adults go for) – I wouldn’t rule out potential cheating there. You won’t change her mind, so it’s best to find someone who’s compatible with you.
You should probably break up, you are both young and you are strictly monogamous where she is not. You should split so you can both live your lives the way you want. She should get to have someone who is on the same level as her and you should find someone looking for strict monogamy.
I bet she has in mind someone she wants to bang if she hasn’t already. Opening the relationship will alleviate any guilt she has.
Your ego. Jesus. Let her have her freedom ffs.
People change
Break up
You’re holding on to a projection
First off, I would suggest to break up. From what you described, she is a bit more of an adrenaline/endorphin junkie than you are, and that path leads to people who want very different things in a relationship and out of life.
If you break up now, there’s a chance to save the friendship, and that’s not a bad thing.
Secondly, I do feel it is incredibly unrealistic to expect one person to meet ALL of your physical, emotional, AND mental needs. Having a network of reliable friends is extremely important for mental health. What that network looks like can vary pretty widely from person to person, but no woman can be your everything, and you can’t be someone else’s everything.
Top of the list, yes. The only person on it, no.
It does seem a little sudden for her to spring all this on you out of apparently nowhere, but I wouldn’t necessarily jump right to “she’s cheating already!”. She may have met someone who’s open relationship is working. She might have read a book on it. She might have gotten some REALLY shitty advice about “what all guys secretly want”.
I’d suggest finding out where this came from before making any irrevocable decisions, but be prepared with the idea that maybe the two of you don’t really have compatible ideas about how relationships should be. If you’re going to break it off, best to do it before the two of you get so mad it turns into a dumpster fire of a break up.
She is wanting to explore sexuality in a way she can’t while being tied down. You seem perfectly content with things how they are. You guys are super young. Let her go do her thing. Especially if you were friends first. She feels comfortable enough to talk about it.
She already has eyes on or already banging another dude. She just wants this so she doesn’t feel guilty. Dump her.
She already has eyes on or already banging another dude. She just wants this so she doesn’t feel guilty. Dump her.
Look, you are too young to be dealing with someone who doesn’t respect boundaries. Break up and enjoy life.
College is a fuck fest and she’s looking to get in on it. If she hasn’t already cheated she will. As soon as she mentioned open relationship I would have ended it. You have been crystal clear that you are not interested in anyone else and any sexual interaction with anyone else is cheating and she’s not listening. She’s trying to figure out a way to work around your rules. This relationship is done. You can never trust her again.
> What should I do when I call her again, or when she calls me?
You two clearly have completely incompatible values when it comes to sex; I don’t see a future here. You are a very firm no on nonmonogamy and she is either extremely interested in it or has no common sense whatsoever from the way she kept pressing it after you made your position clear. She obviously wants to try this and you obviously don’t, so you should probably end things if they aren’t ended already.
You’re way too young to hold onto this person. Break up with her. She will cheat on you at some point if she’s 18 and already asking for an open relationship. Tired of all these people asking for “open relationships” and using that as leverage to leave or cheat on their partners. What a fucking joke
She almost 100% for sure has her “target” in mind.
This is done and that’s ok.
Lots of time to find a better GF.
Never seen in this sub: An originally monogamous relationship in which one of the partners requested an open relationship out of the blue and it worked.
She’s not mature enough to have a commited relationship. Find yourself a woman who only wants you…and only you.
I’m sure you’re heartbroken from hearing she wants to sleep with others, but you are still young, so find another girl who’ll be faithful to you. She sounds very naive and doesn’t realise what a great catch you are.