My husband and I met in the military and had 4 kids. I medically retired (so unemployed but collecting VA payments and covering half of our household bills) and am now a SAHM/housekeeper, and needless to say, I’m tired. They’re all still little and demand so much. But I digress.

My husband is still active duty and has a pretty demanding job. I try really hard to keep the chores done, and literally do just about everything at our house (he will do something random i.e. purchase a grill and assemble it, or actually fix something requiring tools, but it’s occasional at best). He will go for days without even touching a diaper, dish or trash bag. He comes home from work, turns on the xbox, and zones out. I try to give him plenty of space to de-stress and not be up his ass when he gets in. I also take care of anything and everything involving our children (and him) and wish I could have some down time without a guilt trip or a fight.

“But you don’t work”

No, dude, I don’t have a job, but I never stop working.

I understand he is stressed out and this is why I give him so much leeway. He is negative/grumpy from his job and I mostly try to avoid him during the weekdays because he snaps at everyone.

I wish he could be kind to the kids and I, even if he’s in an awful mood. Some acknowledgement that my “job” taking care of our home and family is meaningful. I don’t want a trophy, just the occasional genuine attaboy. Reading this I realize I come across like a puppy that wants attention. But it’s true.

How do I ask my husband to be nicer to me in the most non-fight-instigating way possible? How do I explain to him that at this point I’m staying for the kids and not feeling loved or appreciated, without him feeling attacked?

10 comments

  1. He’s clueless.

    I was in the military so I get that life but if this jit thinks he gets to act like he did when the kids weren’t around and not help then he on some other kinda drugs

    Parenting is a sacrifice and is hard, i know. There has to come a point where it ‘clicks’ in his mind that he still has responsibilities at the house. He HAS to help. If he is going to be a good parent and a good example to the kids then he needs to wake up.

    He lives his life by default… no intentionality, just a “I respond depending on how my feelings are” type a guy.. its sad.

    I’m sure youve had talks w him, but I’d have a real heart to heart.. this isn’t a case of asking for gratitude, it’s simply asking him to do his job!

    ***”I have 4 kids but the first thing I do when I get home is turn on my xbox!”***

    ***Excuse me, but what kinda foolishness is that!***

  2. I don’t think you come across as a puppy that wants attention at all – you come across as a very hard-working and dedicated wife and mother who’s looking for a break and some recognition, which is absolutely reasonable and warranted. He obviously doesn’t realize how much work it is to raise children and keep house. It’s a really tricky conversation to have with a partner who’s already grouchy all of the time – maybe write down how you feel, take your time and add to it as you think of things you want to share. Then you could read it to him, or just give it to him as a letter. You can start by saying that it doesn’t feel like there’s ever a good time to talk about this – but you need to. Like you said, the resentment will just build and eventually you’ll be ready to leave. I think it’s fair to let him know that’s the direction you’re headed. I hope that knocks some sense into him and he can realize how blessed he is. Good luck to you. ❤️

  3. Yea, you are walking on eggshells when you shouldn’t be. For one, you do work and he needs to start understanding that. It’s really disrespectful to act like what you do is no big deal. Secondly, just because his job is hard doesn’t mean he gets to check out when he get home and snap at everyone around him. He’d be pretty pissed off if when he got home you let him take over all the household duties and you played PlayStation for most the night. He has other jobs as well (fatherhusband) and from what you are describing he’s avoiding those. Sorry but you are sort of reinforcing his bad behaviors. He needs to be told this shit is unacceptable and to knock it off. Keep nice out of it.

  4. I definitely think asking him to treat you and the kids decently is a must.

    But getting from where you are now to gratitude is asking too much. Not because you don’t deserve it, but because his job is so difficult that he doesn’t have the emotional capacity. This is a stage of life you’re both going to have to grit your teeth, roll up your sleeves, and just do the best you can without offing each other. Babies are hard, active duty is hard, disability is hard, your lives are just going to be hard for a little bit.

    Sorry to bring doom and gloom, but hopefully you’ve also seen the good moments and the rewards pushing through the bad moments bring. Four kids doesn’t come with an easy breezy lifestyle, especially while they’re in diapers.

  5. What is it about the Military that wears them right out? I assume as a former soldier you have an understanding that is better than mine. I’ve been a military Wife for 26yrs now (Canadian). I raised both kids , alone most of the time through countless courses and exercises, 5 Afghanistan deployments and 9 moves. I worked part time only during my kids school hours when they were older , besides that I was a housewife. My husband to this day comes home shattered. Our kids are gone now but whatever they do to him at work Monday to Friday leaves very little energy or mental space for anything else. We have fantastic weekends but during the week he is just burnt . I’m realizing this a is a common Military thing. I don’t really have any answers except to say you’re not alone . Something about the job, the ruck martches, the mental strain really does a number on the member . Make sure he understands how you feel and hopefully he can muster a bit more energy for you . Hang in there.

  6. Your not a puppy wanting attention your an adult wanting a partner. If he cant be your partner then yes, you will accept head pats and verbal appreciation. How did your relationship come to this dynamic? Did he ever do diapers?

  7. I sat my husband down early on and explained that he got to put in his forty hours, come home and relax while I was on duty 24/7 and asked him if this seemed fair to him. He agreed that it wasn’t so we came up with the idea that I’d work hard my forty hours and anything that was left undone afterward the two of us would split 50/50. Now, that required him to acknowledge that caring for the house and raising children was actual work that was deserving of his respect.

  8. You talk and communicate with each other.

    Ask him for just one day to wear boots and you go out leaving him a list of your choirs and the kids. See what he says when you come back his attitude might change. Tell him that a little effort from him will leave less tired at bedtime. He may all of a sudden put spring in his step and attitude?

  9. You have to let him know he’s in danger of loosing you. There’s no stress free or easy way to do that. But I just don’t see someone that disengaged coming around without being shaken up a bit.

    Maybe something along these lines.

    “Our marriage is broken. I won’t become one of those wives who stays in her marriage year after year just for kids sake, but that’s where I’m at right now. Come see a marriage counselor with me so we can be happy and in love together instead of merely existing near each other.”

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