A few months ago my wife asked for a divorce. I was upset and against it, but after some things she said, I finally conceded and agreed to it. I’ve been pretty at peace with the decision and for the most part we have been happy about it. We are both excited to move on and we plan on co-parenting our son as well as we possibly can.
But the past few days I have just been angry. Angry that she wants this, angry that our son has to go through this, angry that she wouldn’t even give counseling a good try. Angry that 10+ years are now over. Angry that I gave her everything I possibly could throughout our marriage only for her to use it for her own gain.
I’m just angry. Even now, I am letting her live with us until she can graduate and get her own job. I’ve already talked about making sure she can have an adequate part of our savings to make sure she has a good start financially, and I am even staying married to her so that she can retain my benefits until she can have her own.
The past couple of days she still wants to talk to me about her day, her problems and even what I’ve done to upset her, but I feel like I have no obligation to give her my emotional well being. I am doing everything else she asked for, and I dont feel the need to give her me as a person anymore.
Am I wrong for this?
I didn’t want to go to r/divorce with this because they are somewhat skewed over there. I just want any honest feedback I can get.
Edit: Why did my wife want a divorce? Because I have been emotionally unavailable to her since the beginning of our marriage. She believes she has done everything she could to make our marriage work, and I haven’t done anything. Which I disagree with, but I’m not going to put up a fight at this point. I just want as much peace as possible for the sake of our son.
Edit 2: I agree with her that I have been emotionally hard to engage with, but she was also super critical of me throughout our marriage which made me shutdown as well. But at the end of the day, I think part of her just wants to be single and date around. I think she wants independence that she never had since we got married so young and I agree with her on that, but I am still just feeling angry because I was willing to give up my need for independence to make her happy and my son happy, but she didn’t seem willing to do the same (not that she is wrong for it, I’m just venting).
**Final Edit: This post blew up. Just to clarify I am venting my side of the story. She has her own side thats just as fair as mine. At the end of the day, I trust her. I trust her with our son, I trust her to do the right thing. I trust her to continue making sure we are the best co parents we can be. But its just seeming it isnt meant to be and it hurts. I’m hurt and she is hurt. That’s it.**
27 comments
You are not wrong. Your obligation at this point is to your son and yourself. She does not get to use you as her emotional dumping ground.
So I’ve been divorced and remarried and you 100% do not owe her your emotional support. She needs to find her own support system that is not you.
My response would be “I’m sorry but I’m not the person you talk to about this. I’m having my own emotions I’m dealing with and don’t have extra room for yours. Can I suggest you talk to a friend or a therapist.”
Then just repeat “I’m sorry but I’m not the person you talk to about this.”
She doesn’t want you to be her husband anymore, so I think she shouldn’t expect you to act like her husband.
Thats not how this works… she wants a divorce and if you two can afford it then do it now then later… if she wants the benefits of being married to you then stay married and fight for your marriage but clearly she is wanting to divorce so treat her like the single mother and coparent she will soon have to live as…
You are just hurting yourself by drawing this out and making it easier for her to hurt you more later
You owe your son your best as a father, and you owe yourself your best as a person. You owe her nothing except an attempt to co parent your son as amicably as possible.
I think it’s perfectly fair to tell her that you are grieving her marriage and while you don’t mind being civil, you are not her husband anymore, but her choice.
Sounds very much like pure incompatibility. You are helping the mother of your child and ex wife do everything she needs to have a good stable life. You don’t owe it to be her best friend or emotional support roomate.
The only thing I would say if you want to keep taking the high road is to sit down and have 1 good long talk about boundaries. Make it clear she wanted out of the relationship and you agreed. So you won’t be emotionally engaged or super friendly all the time. Her complaints about you are not really your concern anymore unless they pertain to the kid(s).
I also strongly advise you to see an attorney and make sure all your plans are solid and don’t expose you to any insane risks. She doesn’t sound like a terrible woman but these situations have a way of exposing people’s worst side. Right now you are her support financially, so don’t be shocked when she changes the moment that ends.
I guess the question is do you want a reconciliation or do you want the divorce? Is this a separation like getting back together is still on the table or not?
You are NOT wrong for anything that you are doing or feeling at this point. In fact you are be kinder than you need to be at this point as far as insurance, living situation etc. You have to lay strict ground rules in my opinion. She asked for divorce that means you are NOT her “go to” anymore. My boyfriend has had to tell his ex this repeatedly. These people need to realize the lines have been drawn by their actions they don’t get to come to you now for stuff. It’s too late for any of that nonsense.
Have you guys tried therapy? Seems like you’re both wanting to separate for a bit but not actually divorce.
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You are not wrong. It’s time she put her big girl panties on and experience the real world.
That’s like going to McDonalds for an extra serving of free fries after torching up the place.
Learn to say no.
You really just owe her the consideration to give your son the best life possible. You should be there and listen to anything about your son and make your parenting relationship the best possible. You don’t owe her anything else unless she is going to provide something of value to you. So if she does something that you find valuable, you can show her some consideration and listen to her.
As a side note, you may want to take this time to work on yourself. That way once the divorce is finalized, you can map out your goals and take care of yourself and your son.
You still need to maintain a positive coparenting relationship with her while also having no relationship with her.
>The past couple of days she still wants to talk to me about her day, her problems and even what I’ve done to upset her, but I feel like I have no obligation to give her my emotional well being. I am doing everything else she asked for, and I dont feel the need to give her me as a person anymore.
>
>Am I wrong for this?
Short answer: No
Long answer: Hell No
You should stop doing this. Today.
It sounds like you are capable of making this work out. If she wants a divorce because you are emotionally unavailable why not just figure out how to be more emotionally available. Go work on you. You aren’t going to go into another marriage and be happy. You have things that need addressing and it would be better for you to work on them with her for your family’s sake, than take these same issues into a new marriage.
Too late for her to have anymore expectations, she can turn to her parents or friends.
You need to talk to a lawyer and actually get divorced. You don’t need to be an ass, but you’re also not obligated to let her live with you and all of that. You’re just mucking up the water. Make a clean break
Unfortunately, I do think that as a co-parent, you owe it to your *son* to make this co-parenting relationship work. That doesn’t necessarily require emotional availability, but being able to model healthy communication is going to be CRUCIAL to your child’s development.
Source: I am a child of divorce and it fucked me UP
Based on what you said, I’m confused as to why you’re even asking. It doesn’t appear you cared to be emotionally available ever before.
You need to be polite, so your coparenting relationship goes smoothly.
Just say you aren’t the person to support her when you’re dealing with your own issues. There. Done.
Op already knows the answers, he doesn’t need strangers to confirm what he already knows.
You need therapy to unpack why you shut down when faced with criticism and work and focus on yourself to be the best healthiest person you can be for your next partner and hopefully have a much healthier marriage next time around ❤️ if her emotions are too much right now, set a boundary that you will not discuss them with her period. You don’t owe her anything and I recommend you focus everything on yourself and your son! Also get a lawyer to run all the financial, living arrangement stuff by them. Best of luck!!
My dad struggled with this with my mom. She had a mental break, cheated, and decided she wanted to leave. She also said he wasn’t emotionally available (which I know used to be true in some aspects, he has changed a lot since) so I see a few similarities in your post.
But she did the same thing to him and over five years later, still tries to. He initially tried telling her to stop and ended up just having to start flat out ignoring her. Despite being with someone else for quite a while she still texts my dad and says he “just gets” her fucked up family dynamic. Which he does, they also got married really young so he’s been around for a lot. But not his problem anymore.
It was really hard for him to set this boundary when they were still living together because anytime he’d try to tell her no she’d make comments about the initial issues/how she thought he was emotionally unavailable and it would start a whole thing. I strongly recommend considering a therapist, at least while she’s still there. My dad wasn’t a fan of therapy but says it was the only thing that kept him remotely sane through the divorce and it did help him a ton, especially on the anger front.
But you don’t owe her emotional support, and even if this is harsh…especially if she initiated this.
You deserve to be happy and you deserve to MoveOn. Your son deserves happy parents and there’s nothing wrong with you being happy with somebody new. How are you possibly going to find somebody new and be happy with them and show your son what a healthy relationship looks like if you’re still tied up with his mother?
You do not owe her any emotional labour.
It will be toxic for you to be anything more than a coparent.
It will hold you back from moving on.
No new woman wants her man that involved with the ex. Coparenting? Sure, that’s understandable and reasonable. Living together and acting like you are still her husband? Total deal breaker.
>The past couple of days she still wants to talk to me about her day, her problems and even what I’ve done to upset her, but I feel like I have no obligation to give her my emotional well being. I am doing everything else she asked for, and I dont feel the need to give her me as a person anymore.
>Am I wrong for this?
You are 100% in the right.
She asked for a divorce. She doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
This is what divorce looks like. She doesn’t get to pick and choose today we’re divorced. Today, we’re married.
That’s emotionally abusive.
Repeat after me
“You wanted a divorce, because of your decision that i am respecting i am no longer the person you talk to about these types of things. If youd like to talk about our son and subjects that pertain to him thats fine but nothing else”