So Sunday night my husband and I got into a fight after he told me he lost money gambling earlier in the day and at dinner I pressed him to know exactly how much considering earlier he said he had “broken his own rules”. (We’ve been married about a year )he doesn’t want to tell me because “he doesn’t want me to be mad” but finally admits to losing $500 cash and he put 600 on a credit card. I don’t even say anything I’m obviously really angry but leave it at that.
After dinner I ask if he put it on his card or one of mine because he’s an authorized user on many of my cards. He flips his shit and gets really angry because in his words he’d never do that to me. He then storms off into his bedroom and goes to sleep. The next day Monday I didn’t see him at all. We have different bedrooms due to his snoring and conflicting schedules. It’s now Tuesday and I have neither seen or spoken to him since the argument. He does this every time we get into an argument. He is still going to work and normal things like that but if he’s in the living room or another shared space he doesn’t speak to me.
This is maybe the 5th time we’ve had an argument like this since we’ve been married where he will stay in his room. I feel like all the arguments have been over something that would easily be solved by communication but I get nowhere. Is this a normal thing for someone to do? He also said some hurtful things like “it’s my fucking money it’s none of your business how I spend it.” And “from now on when I get my check I’m just not going to send you anything” I responded by saying very sternly “you can be mad at yourself all you want but you WILL NOT speak to me that way” and that’s when he left for his room. It should be noted that I am dealing with health issues and haven’t been able to work for some months now.
Am I overrracting or is this behavior acceptable?
TLDR; after argument husband will stay in his room for days and I don’t see him or hear from him at all
4 comments
It sounds to me like your husband is feeling pretty insecure about his gambling addiction and is taking it out on you.
Try some couples counseling so you guys can learn how to argue effectively and without damaging each other.
No it is not normal, and in fact can be considered emotionally abusive.
Your husband is acting like a rebellious teenager rather than an adult. He is not acting as a responsible spouse in any way. He lost money gambling and seems to be blaming you ’cause you asked legitimate questions. In your other arguments, is he usually as wrong as he is in this one? Does he not get that once you marry, all money coming and going is family money. You two can have your own agreements about how much you get to play with guilt free but it ultimately is money that is to put a roof over your heads, food on the table while keeping warm and dry. It is also to secure your family’s future. If any of that is threatened, especially by poor judgment, it needs to be addressed.
I strongly recommend marriage counseling and keeping your finances separate: ie, remove him from your credit cards or set low limits on those he has access to. He has no problem tossing away $500 in a moment, then blaming you when he throws away an additional $600. He accepts no blame, seeing himself as a victim.
If he won’t get counseling, I’d seriously consider walking away. He is not a partner. You are acting in his mother’s place and you don’t want that. And he won’t get better if he doesn’t want to and he has to be willing to put in the work. He may have addiction that is just as destructive for all around him as hard drugs are.