My (29m) potential life partner (29f) doesn’t want kids, and I do.

18 comments

1. No, there is no compromise. She doesn’t want kids, and sadly you are not compatible with her because of this. I think you two need to have a serious discussion about this topic, and sadly move on from one another if it is non-negotiable for her.

2. If you’re not willing to not have kids, then it’s a deal breaker and you two are not compatible in life goals- i.e. kids. If you feel you’d resent her if you don’t have kids then you need to end the relationship.

   If you could live without having kids, then huzzah! You two could go about life without kids.

   Have you two actually sat down and had a deep and full serious conversation about this issue? Is it that she doesn’t want kids at all, or does she not want to be the one to be pregnant and birth them? She may not want kids at all end of sentence. Period. Or does she not want to be pregnant and give birth? Maybe her family medical history means she doesn’t want biological kids, so maybe adoption. Or maybe she doesn’t want to be pregnant but would want kids and therefore surrogacy could be an option.

   There is a point on all this that you can bag or badger her into changing her mind. You cannot stay and every so often ask if she’s changed her mind. If she is content and wants to be child-free, that’s her stance and she’s not changing it, you should accept that that’s her stance. And if kids are the deal breaker for the relationship then so be it.

3. The solution is simple. The most practical way around this is for you both to seek people who want the same thing.

4. I’ve been the no-kidser of the relationship twice – both times we broke up.
   I would never Suresh to the second person because after breaking up i realised they have respected my position and been very lax with contraception. Don’t be that person.
   The first person is not happily married with children, and I happily in a long term relationship with another child free person. I know it might seem impossible to find another person like them who will share your desire for children but people are out there! I was skeptical too.

5. The “compromise” is one person gives up what they want or you break up. This isn’t one of those things where both people get their way while staying together. I have seen one relationship “survive” where he didn’t want kids and she did. The “compromise” was 1 child, who is very loved, but the actual marriage is destroyed. The parents are together because it would be too expensive to get divorced and they basically live separate lives.

6. depends if you want to continue the relationship and wait for her to change her mind. Otherwise, ask yourself which is more important to you, her or kids

7. It’s not a compromise situation. Kids either are or are not. You can’t have what you want unless she gives up her own choice entirely. You put yourself in a catch and release situation

8. The way around this is by finding someone else. You don’t compromise on kids.

9. I am in this situation with my husband. I never wanted kids, he does. I tried to break up with him early in the relationship due to this but he did not want to, despite the sacrifice he would ultimately be making. In the end, it was his choice to choose to stay with me, and it is one I acknowledge and appreciate deeply.

   That’s the thing, you can’t compromise and have half a child. One or the other will get there choice and since the last thing you should do is bring a child into the world that is unwanted (even just by one parent), it will usually mean that you do not have children. Can you go through life without that? If not, the relationship will not work. Please do not put pressure on her if she has made her choice, some women (and men) are just not made to procreate.

   Joy can be found in many aspects of life, not just children, but you will have to look deep within yourself and work out how essential they will be to you.

10. You should definitely have a full discussion. Be clear on household work breakdown. Maybe, Maybe she’d be open if you had 1-3 years as a married couple alone. Honestly, you probably need to break up or one of you will feel resentment.

11. My boyfriend wants kids and I’ve been on the fence about them. I want him to be my life partner too. He’s 27 and I’m 23. I don’t have a hard “No” about children because I’ve acknowledged that I don’t know what 25 or 30 year old me will feel about them. My own dad didn’t become interested in parenthood until he entered his late 20’s.

    It’s important to have at least one serious conversation with Sam about having children. Have you talked to her about having children in the future at all? What about discussing marriage? A lot of women don’t feel comfortable having kids with a man they’re not married to. More importantly, have you thought about what both of you will need in order to provide and sacrifice for your kids?

    Planning for kids also means planning for their education, healthcare, extracurriculars, housing, supplies etc. It takes a lot of resources and mental energy to raise children! And what about time? Can you or Sam envision being able to care for your child 24/7 during its infant years without severely reducing your little family’s quality of life? If not, do you have family nearby who can help, any resources to hire help, or the means to put your child in daycare? This is why having conversations about this is so important!

    For example, my boyfriend and I have both agreed that neither of us can realistically plan on having children until we get married, own a house together, and make a combined income of at least 150k. In the meantime, we’re just focusing on having fun as a couple and making sure we continuously work towards those goals.

    Good luck!

12. Sure. Find a new partner who wants kids.

13. If you go through with this, resentment is sure to follow.

14. This does not have compromise. Either you dont have a kid, in which she has what she wants. Or, you do have a kid and you have what you want.

    Compromise is possible only if both of you mostly want a kid, but one of you has reservation like “I dont want to give up my hobby/job” or whatever. Then you can compromise. Other then that, no.

15. You can’t compromise on one person being childfree and another person wanting to be a parent. You can’t have half a kid, after all. And it would be unfair in my view to pressure anyone either way, or bring a child unwanted by one parent into that dynamic. You are hurting more than one person in the latter.

    FYI, I am a childfree woman. My husband wasn’t initially childfree, strictly speaking – he was still open to having them/thought he would eventually have them if worked out that way – but he turned out to be on board with not having kids when it came down to it: it was a choice of me over hypothetical children and he chose me/life with me. But he made that choice without resentment and willingly. We have been happily married many years now – with me sterilized and us both now well into our mid to late forties so any chance long gone – and he is happy he did not have kids especially after seeing more people we knew become parents over the years. But I would also say having them was never a “must” for him to begin with – it was more of an ambivalent notion. If you feel they are a “must”, you need to move on.

    Unless in your heart or hearts you would be fine not having kids without resentment, this is a dealbreaker, frankly.

16. >What was the compromise

    You can, and should, compromise on a lot of things in a relationship, but you can’t compromise on whether or not to have kids. There is no middle ground, there is no halfway, there is no one partner doing the thing and the other not with kids. Having kids at all or not is a binary choice, you either do or you do not.

    If you don’t have kids, the partner who wants them will never be ok with that and at best will resent the other partner. If you do have kids, the partner who didn’t want them now is an unwilling parent to unwanted kids and the kids *will* suffer as will the marriage and both partners.

    You really just have to pair up with someone who is on the same page on this one. Opposites are fundamentally incompatible here.

17. There isn’t really a compromise when it comes to kids. You can’t have half a kid. You can’t have kids but only one of you looks after them. Kids are very much an all-or-nothing thing.

    It’s worth exploring. What are the aspects of having kids that she doesn’t like? Some of them may be workable.

    If it’s just “I don’t want to be a parent”, then you need to make a decision for yourself.

18. There is no fixing this. Someone is going to be unhappy with the outcome, and its just an impossible “bridge”. Youd have better success with just about any other huge incompatibility than this, its guaranteed to fail and if additional humans are brought into a situation like this it becomes even worse. Plenty of people have tried to make it work and there are many many children from these situations that all will assure you it wasn’t great. Don’t do it, dont even try it, and know that if you do disregard everyone here and attempt it anyway you will be unhappy at best and a bad person who has done a terrible thing at worst