I struggle with physical and virtual group conversations/meetings especially if I know the people in it. I find it challenging on how to interact, what to say (which most of the time my mind is blank), or if I wanna say something, I find it hard when to jump in and say it (while waiting and anticipating for the perfect opportunity for me to speak up my heart is pounding fast, my hands gets cold and my voice is choking up).
I think or feel like the majority of people have this unwritten standard or set of rules which the majority innately understand or unconsciously accept and expect or anticipate everyone else to act and behave in a certain way or manifest in conversations but if you don’t then they’ll see you as different and unusual someone who they can’t relate to hence avoiding you, not given importance with and leaving you out.
I think that most people are drawn to someone who they tend to make good connection with, take interest in, long and anticipate to spend most of their time if that person speaks their minds and know what the right things to say or things that is normally expected of you to say. I obviously don’t know what the right things to say and most of the time I’m just quite and reserved because I’m afraid I might say something and behaves in a certain way that they may find unusual. I have tried saying something in a group conversation just recently but it seems like after I say it they’re still waiting for a punchline and it ended up being awkward as I have no idea what to say next or what they think that I should say next. I just don’t speak their minds nor know whatever rules they innately have and unconsciously follow.
I just don’t why am I wired like this? Why can’t I just be like everyone else who know what and how to say the right things and behaves or acts like everyone expects them to be without me putting too much effort in?
Another thing I notice is I can’t hold eye contact to anyone especially to women if they also hold long eye contact to me while they’re talking that I find myself breaking eye contact and looking quickly on their chest or further down (if you know what I mean) and hold eye contact again and i really hate myself for it. I also noticed that most people I’ve talked in the past frequently and repeatedly doing something on thier faces where they rub or scratch the parts of their faces I interpret it as a subtle hint that there’s something they find unappealing on my face and I’m not really sure why they do it. This probably one of the reason I can’t hold eye contact maybe because I’m expecting people I’m talking with to touch their faces which makes me feel even more unwanted than I already am and break eye contact before I think they do them and wander around as to not see them do it.
4 comments
My man. First off, it’s ok if you are an introvert. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re trying to spread your wings. Talk about something you have in common. Or talk about something their into. I worked around a lot of serious people. I am gregarious and an extrovert. Engineers, dude, talk about introverted. Still be me. “Hey, my man what up”? “How’s the concrete treatin you today?” If they were a civil engineer. Mechanical and electrical engineers, dude talk about no convo. I’d throw out some Nicoli Tesla and some alternating current shit. It’s alright, my man. The more you do it. The better you will be. Have a sense of humor. Most ladies dig a sense of humor. Self deprecating gets laughs all time. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Good luck. You’ll be fine. Find your Mojo.
I don’t know how old you are but it will take time. Like you I am not too great at interacting at this moment and noticed I said at this moment. As a guy it takes time to build yourself. If you’re afraid to sound foolish I would say go ahead and make yourself sound foolish. I would then ask you did you die? Chances are you will still be alive. I would assume you’re trying to seek validation which is nothing wrong with that. But as you get older you lose that need. I know I am rambling but it might take effort for you to transition into someone who is more comfortable in yourself. I hope that you’re young only because you would have time to develop and become someone you want to be. Put yourself out there. I don’t know if you’re working but try a sales job. Then you would have no choice but to get rejected. Rejection hurts but it will help you. Try putting yourself in a position that forces you to interact with people but more importantly women. This will help you get comfortable with them. Learn from some people who are good with women and stop staring at their breasts. Look but don’t stare. There’s a difference. I kinda wish that my life didn’t happen the way it did then I would be more confident. I can’t change anything however so I must find a way to be confident in spite of my past. Hopefully you don’t have a past and are just starting from the ground up. Just know it will take some time. But take that time and do something with yourself. Again I apologize for being long winded but I hope this helps.
First off, thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s a very honest and brave thing to do
Second thing….I relate to this too much 😭 *Especially* the rules/handbook part. I have zero idea how to deliver my thoughts and feelings in an interesting way during conversation with anyone I’m not super close with, bc it’s hard to unmask in those situations. I think unmasking requires a lot of mindfulness. Good news is you’re already displaying mindfulness with this post!
I believe that it’s possible to overcome this with practice too. Unfortunately, most advice for this kind of thing boils down to “just be yourself!” (which is too vague rip). It helps to know the “what’s” (like, what things are safe to talk about in these contexts) in order to practice the “how’s ” (what kind of tone/humor can you deliver well, how to make eye contact, how to flow in and out of conversations, etc). Once you really get in touch with and love your unique personality, that confidence makes it easier to relax and be authentic…idk, I had to break it down like this and come to the conclusion that it’s like practicing being yourself until you get good at being yourself lol
It requires time, patience, and a bit of pushing yourself and/or taking risks. Risks are scary, but thankfully socializing is a forgiving art form. That’s where the “just do it” comes in (and it goes against everything our brains are telling us, because we want to know the patterns and rules of socializing…but there aren’t many solid rules to this very complicated and variegated thing :/ )
It’s a lot to think about, and it can be overwhelming when surviving and being happy depends on socializing. I wish you luck as you get out there and learn to navigate this all! ✌️
I’m really sorry for the long post. I just really need some advice on what can I do to overcome this and start speaking my mind and stop caring about what other people think when I’m speaking?