TLDR: just read title lol.
Don’t feel compatible with my partner (24M). Never felt an immense initial attraction like I (27F) have with others but was hoping something would grow because he loves me so much more than anyone ever has and treated me so well. I prefer a bigger guy, and he was bigger when I met him but turns out that was from steroid use which is a massive turn off and massive no from me. Now he made the change to stop (likely influenced by me) has become skinny and I hate that it’s a reason I feel less attracted to him (would have gone for a naturally strong man).
Then there were a few times he let me down very early on but each time he heard, apologised & made direct action to change. An example would be I’m very anti drugs and found out he used to take cocaine a lot, and I believe he may have taken it when we were together, so now he has completely stopped drinking alcohol for me and vowed he stopped drugs since we met.
I tried to breakup with him a few months ago. Now he’s going all out and reading me love letters everyday but I don’t feel the same way back and I feel bad about that every time he reads one because of that. E.g he’ll say “I live for you and you’re the love of my life” words to that effect, and I’ll think to myself “f*ck I do not feel the same way right now”.
I hope it’s not the wrong choice to breakup because he certainly is the most forward with his love for me out of anyone I’ve dated, we have great communication (I think), he has an awesome family and it’s my longest relationship. I just don’t really feel like I love him.
I promised him I would always be honest with him and I like to think I am an honest person but this is incredibly difficult for me.
How the hell do I end things in a way that does not break him? I want to do it in the nicest way possible and cause the least pain possible. Thank you.
3 comments
You need to break up yesterday. It sounds like all along you’ve tried to make this guy into the person you actually want to be with, and obviously it doesn’t work like that. What you are doing by staying with him is cruel to him and you as well.
Also, a word of advice:
> I want to do it in the nicest way possible and cause no trauma.
This is stupid. Breaking up is painful; there is no way around that. But stop the buzzwords about trauma and just do it. Break up, and make it a clean break. He will heal.
You do it by letting go of the idea that there is a way to do this without pain. The pain already exists, it’s in the gap between your feelings for each other. All you’re doing is exposing it so the pain can end eventually.
>How the hell do I end things in a way that does not break him?
You believe that he is strong and will deal with it and move on. He may be making declarations right now, but it’s likely out of insecurity. He does not actually live for you.
The most cruel thing you can do is keep him invested in this relationship that has no future.
On a side note, wow what a horrible red flag on your part to be attracted exclusively to the steroid-fueled body, but reject the steroids.
> the least trauma possible?
one big thing that i see a lot of people do wrong is try to cushion the blow by not being truly final about it being the end. they kinda leave the door open to something or are ambiguous.
do *not* do this.
be clear, be direct, be final.
as others have said, hoping for nice/positive/unpainful breakup is completely unrealistic. go for a clean break that will allow for healing.