Really need help on my situation. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. And from the beginning he was really fit and kept himself groomed. Mainly because the military was forcing him to. After he got out however he’s been on a straight decline since. I used to have to remind him to brush his teeth, he’s gotten better at that part. He’s gained over 60 pounds and wears the same clothes everyday unless I pick out his outfit. Im a really flamboyant young lady and we get a lot of stares when we are out in public because we just look like total opposites. I’ve told him multiple times how I wish that he took care of himself. We’ve had serious conversations but nothing ever improves. I love him for him but I’m at a breaking point where I crave physical attention but not from him in his current state. Besides physical attraction he’s a wonderful partner who always has my back…I feel like I would be a bitch if I broke things off for these reasons.
37 comments
Dump him and don’t look back!
Sounds like he’s depressed. Has that been considered? This is beyond weight. He’s struggling with basic hygiene.
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I’ll give the same advice that I gave to a man with a girlfriend whose looks dramatically changed:
Leave. You’re no longer attracted to them. They had fair warning.
I’d leave. You’re not happy. He’s not happy. You leaving might be the motivation he needs to hit the gym, drop 55, and get back in the game.
Sounds like he’s having a hard time adjusting to civilian life. It’s not uncommon. The military is very structured and disciplined. He needs to talk to someone who has been where he is. They can help him get through this.
Do you want to stay on the condition he gets help or are you totally done? It’s something you need to decide.
This is a valid reason to leave a relationship. And that may be the wakeup call he needs to do some self-improvement.
Op, definitely depression level burnout due to the military.
Op, does he have ADHD by any chance?
To quote [https://www.reddit.com/user/gordiestanclub/](https://www.reddit.com/user/gordiestanclub/) in another thread today:
Oh look, another age gap relationship with a stinky loser OP is outgrowing and she thinks the problem is her instead of recognizing that repulsion is her body’s way of telling her to gtfo
ex-military here, have him see a therapist. some commands have a way of tearing people down, slowly and destroying them without them realizing it. abuse of power is rampant and your entire worth as a person can be taken away by anyone a few ranks higher for next to no reason.
seriously, he probably needs help. literally every person within my division came out worse due to shitty leadership
This sounds like depression; how is he doing emotionally? A lot of times people struggle to get back into the rhythm of a normal life after time in the military; going from having pretty much every single minute of every day filled with instructions and requirements back to absolute freedom can be overwhelming and a lot of people either go berserk or just become completely sedentary like your boyfriend has.
You’re free to leave, and it’s totally valid, you’re not happy.
The military fucks up all it’s human members
I think you guys are really young and its okay to break up because they’ve done a 180 in attitude or physical appearance..
Might be shallow, but frankly, why’d you waste a year to try and change someone that won’t change. He as fit and neat because he was forced to.. he’s not forced to anymore. And it might be depression or it simply might be that he’s gone through those motions before and now he wants to be relaxed and now worry about these things.
I have had several friends and one brother who all went to different branches of the military, and every single one of them came back from that experience worse off than when they left.
I fucking hate the military’s methods of treating people, I don’t care what sort of ancient warrior, tough mentality apologists come at me to defend it. They break people down as much as they can and while they say they’re doing it to make them strong, they aren’t, they only care about compliance.
The exception is a cousin I have in the Navy who seems to be thriving while he works in the Intelligence division and says for the most part they treat people better where he is.
My brother and my good friend were both in the Marines and they fucked them both over for life and then refused to pay out the benefits they owed in both cases to help fix it.
You should not be in a position to feel like you have to “mom” your boyfriend. You shouldn’t be picking out his clothes, or reminding him to do daily hygiene, but it does sound like he needs help. He shows all the signs of depression, from this post.
I think you should encourage him to speak to a therapist, and if he is not open to that, you may have to do some reconsidering of your goals and your role in his life.
Best of luck.
Like others have said he needs help, and it does sound like depression. Is he able to afford therapy? Is he close to his family maybe you can reach out to them to? Does he want help?
But you also have a limit and it’s okay to put your mental health first. So yes whilst he needs help you also have a life and deserve to be happy. It’d be a hard decision but if you leave that’s okay and you’re not a bitch for that.
I hope you didn’t go with him just because you were physically attracted to him…
I dated a guy like this. So fucking gross.
If he does not want to change – and it does not sound like it – there is nothing you can do to change that. Cut your losses and leave now. You – and I – deserve better.
It sounds like he needs therapy. I would focus more on the lack of hygiene and decline in health. You’re both young and deserve to be enjoying your twenties but he is battling something way above your pay grade and lives like a 50 year old who’s given up. Since he was in the military his insurance should cover therapy no problem, but he also has to want to change.
Long term relationships are tough. If you wanna work it out there will Definately be an upside. Hopefully he comes around eventually! Try to stay positive and helpful
Anyone else here feel like its all about her tho? “I crave the attention” all the while her guy is struggling. Its seems like shes doing the least amount possible in order for it to be ok with herself that she tried if she leaves….. idk i could be feeling this wrong but man it seems like that is the case.
He’s depressed. Don’t break up with him, get him help.
Just leave? You’re already being bitchy by saying you are ashamed of being seen with him cause he isn’t as “flamboyant” as you.
Leave him alone while he figures himself out.
This is not just letting yourself go, this is major executive dysfunction. Is he in therapy? You’re not required to stay along for the ride, but it sounds like he needs help.
I see that it’s been said multiple times already, but I feel like it’s worth repeating.
This sounds like depression under normal circumstances, but add on that he was previously in the military and there might be even more to it. I think you may want to sit down with him and talk about making an appointment with a mental health specialist. The military might be able to provide you with resources.
Do you want him to get better or would you like out of the relationship?
Not a judgy question, just wondering what advice to give.
Because if you want him to get better—it’s an uphill battle. And he won’t get better until *he* wants to get better. Speaking as somebody with depression, it takes a while to get to the point to want improve yourself, but having a supportive partner helps.
If you want to leave, that’s fair too. His mental illness is not your responsibility. And if he doesn’t want to get better, there’s no point in you staying. You leaving might be the slap in the face he needs to improve himself.
He does sound like he could have something going on, and many others have really useful comments.
I just wanted to say, if you’ve tried to help him, and he refuses, it’s not your fault.
You can’t force someone to change or get better if they don’t want it.
You can’t force them to seek psychological help if they aren’t a danger to themselves or others.
You also can’t force yourself to have romantic feelings or sexual attraction to someone if it’s gone.
There is nothing wrong with deciding to stop dating someone because you’ve tried to help them and make it work, but it didn’t work and now you’re happiness is suffering. You are only 21 after all. You have to do what’s best for you as well if you reach that point.
Dating is how we choose our partners and we get to choose.
Nah. Break up. He’s too old to need to be told to change his clothes.
Do whatever you want.
When you love someone, obviously the goal and desire is to make it last forever/as long as possible. I know you’re not married but I’ll put it like this—there is a reason “in sickness and in health” is in traditional wedding vows. If you truly truly TRULY love someone, like, “I’d take a bullet for you” love someone, leaving them over some weight gain or, in this case with the added hygiene issues, what appears to be depression, feels hilariously foreign. Think about how we change as we get older. You want to find someone who you can affirmatively be okay with still kissing on the mouth when you’re both old and decrepit. You want to find someone who you’ll still look at with love and respect after helping them put in their catheter when you’re both 75. Looks fade. Always. It’s a built-in feature of life.
And with that said, you’re very young. I think the most relevant question for you is whether this love is strong enough to stick it out through this depression with the knowledge that he may never get better (or go through depressive cycles/episodes), especially if he doesn’t want to. You mentioned that he was fit and well-groomed because the military forced him to be, and before the military he had issues with binge eating. It is very, very possible that your boyfriend +60 pounds is what your boyfriend is going to look like without that structure of the military. It’s okay if the answer to that question is no. Like I said—you are still very young, and you absolutely don’t have to hitch your wagon to him if you are interested to see what else is out there for you.
It’s so incredibly common for people who have served to have depression or other mental health battles. See if he is willing to get some help. If you have invested so much into the relationship it’s worth staying if he is willing to take steps towards getting help.
Get him into a fighting gym. Trust me.
You gotta break up with him because one, you gotta be attracted to the person you’re with, and two, it’s the kind of shock he could use to potentially get himself together.
Just tell him you aren’t interested anymore.
But don’t keep lying to yourself that you “love him for him” when you’ve quite literally stated here that you’re more concerned about what others think when they see you together. Your attitude is superficial, and that needs a lot of work regardless of whether you stay with him or not.
Have fun in your 30’s…
Once you leave him he’s going to become 10/10 and bagging so many women or men (you never know), there for the good gone for the bad. Goodluck