My little sister left my parents house late at night and moved into my home. I desperately want my own space but understood her situation and took her in.
My father (70) does not even care. It is his only girl and his youngest child who left nearly a month ago in the middle of the night and he hasn’t even so much as sent her a text to wish her well or find out why she left. The best my sister has gotten was a second hand message from our mother from him telling her to “do her best with her studies”.
My mother (53) buries her head in the sand and pretends as though nothing has happened. She thinks that this will all blow over and we can all carry on as a happy family with enough time. She is more concerned about people “finding out” that our family has issues than with my sister getting support. She instantly panics and melts down at any problem.
My sister is clearly full of trauma. She breaks my stuff and lies about it. She makes my bills more and is barely eating. She clearly needs therapy and counselling but I frankly don’t have the money, expertise or patience to give that to her. I have literally only just bought my flat and so much of it needs doing.
I tried to sit down with my parents when my sister was at her part time job to try and find a solution. My dad told me that he is too tired that day (Sunday) because he has work the next day and to ask him on Saturday as that is the best day for him. Later, he told my mother to tell me “nicely” that he doesn’t want to talk about it and wants to focus on his retirement plan.
I am exhausted. I feel like this is not my responsibility, I often work until late hours of the night and look after both of us with basically no support.
Not sure if this sub is for platonic relationships but any advice for how I am feeling would be welcome.
3 comments
You will need to have a conversation with your sister and set up your expectations. Is it fair that you and she have substandard parents? No. Is it fair that she thinks that her care is now your responsibility? Also no.
When she turned up at your door her expectations of you were that you would take her in, provide free housing, free food and she would have to do nothing in return. That’s not what you want to do. So you have to tell her directly what you do want from her.
Does she need to contribute financially? Does she need to stay out of certain areas of your home? Do you have a time limit on how long she can stay?
It must be really hard to have gained you privacy and independence, only to have to sacrifice it for someone who is making your life harder and doesn’t seem appreciative. Ultimately your sister will need to grow up faster than many 18 year old and start planning how to be independent. Its kind of you to let her move in, but you need to make it clear that you don’t have the means to look after her indefinitely. Tell her you can help her work on her next steps and you can, and are providing support- but it’s not going yo be forever.
I don’t want to pry and feel free not to answer but what happened with you and your sister in that home? I’m assuming there was obviously neglect given how they reacted to her leaving, was there abuse as well?
Depending on where you live there may be resources for either free or heavily discounted sliding scale therapy for your sister, if she’s open to attending.
Forget your parents dude, they clearly don’t care. I would prioritize talking to your sister instead. She needs to understand that she in in your home and that you are allowing her to be there and if she wants this to work, she has to respect your space. She is 18, tell her that if she can’t do that as the bare minimum, then she can find another place to stay at.
I had a similar situation with my brother for a couple years. He eventually came around and we were able to split bills once he got a job, but there has to be an understanding between the two of you to make it work