TL;DR my boyfriends mother is really trying to insert herself into the goings on of the decorating of our house
My boyfriend (27M) and I (27F) recently bought a house and we move in next week and I am already dreading it with every fibre of my being because of his overbearing mother.
I first want to preface this; I appreciate everything she’s trying to do to help us but she isn’t just offering help, she is trying to control the situation.
It all started with her wanting to buy us a couch. She asked me what I liked and I said I wanted her old couch since she plans on buying herself a new one and she keeps saying “no it’s too old, it’s faded, there’s a rip in it” there isn’t btw. But the same couch brand new she says is out of budget which I completely understand which is why I want her old couch and then she’s not spending money on us she’s just gifting us something. This is our first home, we are not expecting brand new everything.
She has now started going out and buying us stuff like light fixtures, bedding, curtains, house number, mailbox, etc. without even asking us what we like or what we need. I’ve asked her to return the stuff I don’t like and she gets all butthurt about it. Even said I “fired” her. She also wants us to redo the floors which she got quoted for $6k and I’m not paying for something that amount that we don’t even need right away. There are more important things we need to purchase like paint, security system, new electrical panels, stuff that actually needs to be done right away.
To top it all off, I have a bachelors degree in architecture and design. Although I’ve never bought a house before, I know what I’m doing and have specific tastes, anytime she asks me what I plan on doing with a space she has to trump my ideas with hers. I get that my boyfriend is her one and only child and is her greatest accomplishment but holy mother of god she needs to back the fuck off. This is the start of my boyfriends and I’s life together and she’s inserting herself everywhere possible. She even told me I can’t get a cat because her husband is allergic. I’m sorry, last time I checked I’m moving in with your son not your husband??
Ive told boyfriend “I appreciate everything your mom and dad are doing for us but I feel like your mom is overstepping a bit and I’d really appreciate you talking to her about it since she’s your mom not mine and I don’t want to upset her” since she got upset even when I asked her to return stuff she never even ran past us first before purchasing. He hasn’t said anything yet because he’s away on vacation with his guy friends but the micromanaging hasn’t let up yet. She’s booked time off to help us paint and whatnot, I absolutely want to cry just thinking about what a nightmare she’s going to be. When he’s back I will be telling my boyfriend she is definitely not getting a key to the house. I don’t know how to handle things with an overbearing parent I’ve never had this problem before. Any advice on how to approach this is greatly appreciated.
6 comments
Bluntness is the only way to deal with overbearing people they don’t understand, subtle or niceties! Congratulations on your new home
Are you guys planning on getting married? Is both of your names on the house? Generally it’s not a good idea to have the financial entanglement of a house together unless you also have the level of commitment for marriage.
As far as Mom, you simply need to put your foot down. Whatever financial or labor help she’s giving isn’t worth not owning your own home or having any autonomy. If you don’t stop this now then it will never stop even once the house is done.
Draw up a list of specific boundaries. For example, anything she buys without your explicit consent will be refused. All decorating decisions will go through you. She isn’t allowed to do anything without your consent, etc. Give them to get and in no uncertain terms make clear that violation will result in loss of a relationship with you.
If she doesn’t follow your boundaries then you block her and don’t answer the door and go no contact.
It’s insane to me that anyone would buy a house with someone they are **dating** and not married with.
Your boyfriend needs to be on board for this to get better. Try and convey that just having financial ownership of the house is not enough but every inch needs to feel like it’s yours and your bfs. This may not be a one time convo since relationships between guys and their mothers can be fickle. Depending on the culture not a lot of guys are used to standing up to their mothers. But he needs to understand that you are now his number one priority, and your needs come before his mothers.
Don’t make your boyfriend the middle man. YOU speak to her. It doesn’t sound as if she’s coming from a bad place! You tell her!
Did he plan to give her a key? Is that an assumed thing people do? I have never given my parents or in laws keys to any place I have lived. My ex MIL sounds a lot like this woman. You just have to be straightforward. Maybe explain that you finally have a chance to use the skills you studied in school to make your place your own, and you appreciate everything but you have really been looking forward to picking out decor yourself. She will probably act hurt and rejected but she will get over it.