I’m struggling with this where I meet someone new or someone I don’t know well and I try to get to know them by asking them questions and following up on interesting things they say with additional open-ended questions. However I noticed that they can talk a long time and if I stop asking or engaging them with questions they just stop talking and the conversation dies. I personally find this pretty off putting since it feels like they have zero interest in me but I feel dialogue is conversation 101 but it seems a lot of people just like talking about themselves.
39 comments
Give them 1st , 2nd , 3rd chances then act bored and uncomfortable 🙂
100% relate. Most people are spectacularly bad at keeping a conversation rolling when it doesn’t revolve around them. Incuriosity about others is a 21st century social plague.
Try letting the conversation come to a natural end and see what happens. Be ready to endure prolonged and awkward silence. Make them work as hard as you. If they don’t reciprocate by being curious about you, you’ve learned valuable intel about them (I.e., they suck at polite conversation).
i’m in the same boat as you, looking for advice
I just hate this habit of people. I give them multiple chances and if it seems like every conversation is about them, i pretty much loose interest in them as a person. Conversation is a two way street, so why one should be the only focus. Overall, they are the bad communicator and i don’t want to do anything with people who are so much self-absorbed.
What I realized is that with these people is that it can be several things not just the things mentioned below.
1. They just don’t realize to keep friends is that it’s a two way street. They also have to put effort into the friendship.
2. They’re just not interested in you that much as friends.
3. They’re emotionally unavailable
What I’ve done when it comes to people being quite is just stop interrogating them by asking questions. Be comfortable with silence and let them ask questions. If it’s still silent I would just find something that they said that I have a memory of. Then mention my interests.
People like to talk about themselves. If they’re interested in you they’ll ask questions or talk about your interests. You can’t be friends with everyone and that’s ok.
Please have a conversation with yourself until better friends come along. They will. Just don’t give up.
I found that all of the people that show zero interest in me and don’t ask at questions back faded away once I started letting them go and no longer trying to carry a conversation by myself.
Those bullshit relationships ended as they should’ve and I’ve made way for better people I’m getting to know now!
Most people suck and are not going to be thoughtful or caring at all and can only talk if it’s about themselves. fuck em, leave em be!
Personally, I think conversations are a 2-way street.
You’ve done good work giving them ample time and opportunities to talk about things. But if they don’t reciprocate, then there’s just nothing you can do about it.
You’ve been as hospitable as you can. Whatever else happens…it’s kind of on them.
Good luck to ya, friend.
Met many people like that, when I ask questions I connect back to myself at the start so they can ask something similar if they have no idea where to go. But I also had people ask me questions, I answer them and then ask about them, but they didn’t answer my question and instead asked another question. That just felt like an interview so I gave up.
You don’t.
You politely bow out and leave.
If they don’t care enough to ask questions, than they don’t care about you.
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A conversation requires two people. You might want to ask them about stuff they know or stuff they like, but if they are dry even to those questions, then there’s no point.
a lot of people in our generation only talk about themselves. if you’re gen z you’ll especially feel this. this is a lack of social skills on THEIR part, i promise. you’re good.
You could start talking about yourself without waiting for them to ask questions about you.
For some people (hi) asking random questions that have nothing to do with the activity that is currently being done feels like breaching privacy. Also they might have no clue what to ask that would not feel like breaching privacy/interrogation.
When one already is telling stuff, the other can get an idea for questions based on the stuff the first person says. It also doesn’t feel like you put your nose into someones private life, because they already give you their private info that they are willing to share and thus you just ask for elaborations or stuff that is connected to already told stuff. Thus one might not feel like overstepping privacy.
It seems less rude to ask about siblings when one already mentioned siblings. Without knowing info one can only assume things and from it there the question coyld be hurtful.
Examples: you don’t know that the guy is a single father and ask why does the mother not do X with the child (man could have trauma from death of spouse of divorce also it could be understood as a veiled insult to the man (aka, men aren’t capable of doing X)). Or you ask a woman about her husband (she could be searching for one for a long time or not be hetero).
I notice that some of them are just very bad at conversations, not really only interested in themselves.
I was talking to a guy like this. If I let the conversation die, he would initiate some time later. However, he didn’t ask much other than “how are you” and “what are you doing”. He seems like a nice guy so I feel sorry for him that this might cost him many opportunities in life.
I’ve read somewhere that it is often as declaration, not type of “asking” thing. If they don’t ask question, then say something as is you’re declaring.. for example “I like this type of flower because it reminds me of etc etc” you’re just like declaring that you like something and they might reply with a type of flower they like, and you reply with another declaration.
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I hope that helps
they are probably not interested in talking to you. just ignore them and act bored or move on
Tbh I have almost forgotten what it is like to talk about myself IRL at this point, because it is SO RARE, that when someone does ask a question about me, I panic and don’t know how to respond. All I hear all day are people talking about themselves to each other, always one upping each other but never really listening to each other; it’s exhausting! My solution has been headphones and a dead stare. Good luck!
When there are awkward silences, I like to ask questions like “Which fast-food place has the best hamburger?”, or “What’s the first concert you ever went to?”, or “Have you seen any good movies lately?”, or “What’s your favorite candy?” (sometimes it helps if you’re putting candy in your mouth before this), or “What’s the biggest wild animal you’ve ever seen in person?” If they say “That’s a weird question. Why do you want to know?”, you can say “I was just wondering.” If they just answer with one-word answers, you can give your own answers to the questions.
But in general I think food and music and movies are topics that people tend to have lots of opinions on, and they can lead to talking about other things. Someone might say they don’t like movies or hamburgers or candy, or maybe they’ve never been to a concert, so you can ask them what do they like to do for fun. You can also ask “What’s something you’re really passionate about?” If they don’t have passions, they might be depressed, and that’s something people can talk about, if they’re comfortable. If they talk about negative health conditions, it can get depressing, but they still might feel like venting about it.
People like it when others remember something about them, so be curious, try to learn something from others and kind of refer back to it later on, everyone knows at least one thing you don’t know (even if it’s about themself). But don’t make it feel like an interrogation, that can feel annoying, it should be casual, not demanding answers to rapid-fire questions.
But if a person isn’t curious about you, if they show no interest in you, if they don’t reciprocate conversation in a give-and-take way, then it’s okay to say you’ve got to get going, and leave. But sometimes it’s okay to just sit in silence, I think it’s a good sign if two people are comfortable sitting in silence with each other. I appreciate silence, but in some situations it can be tense. Laughter can also release tension, so a forced “uhhhhhhh” that goes on too long, that ends unexpectedly with a surprise response (like “Okay!”), can lead to nervous laughter. That’s probably the bare minimum to show you can be silly and playful. If you can imitate other people’s voices, or do impersonations or impressions, even better. (But this can backfire if it’s an impersonation of a boss or co-worker and they overhear you.) With impressions, you also have to read the faces of listeners, to make sure they aren’t annoyed (a close-mouthed wince) or bored (almost eye-roll) or offended (a disgusted close-mouthed wince, or jaw-drop horror).
But you can also do word association games, where you say “What’s the first word you think of when I say <fill in the blank>?” That’s probably a game more for someone you know a little better, not so much for total strangers though.
If people talk a really long time about themself, they might say “Sorry, what was the question again?” Or they may lose their train of thought. “What were we talking about?” If you were paying attention, you can remind them. And they’ll like if you let them know you were paying attention, by repeating something they said.
They’re just not that interested in you
I’m one of those that struggles to keep a conversation going.
It’s not that I’m not interested in getting to know the person or that I don’t care or things like that, I really do care, a lot. I just find it really difficult to figure out what to say or ask, and therefore get awkwardly quiet while trying to say anything at all when the other person gives space for me to talk.
This happens with me even when I’m with my best friend I’ve known for 10+ years.
I do realize that others interpret this as I don’t care to talk or what ever, but I’m doing my best.
In reverse, this is a nice indirect example for people who don’t ask questions & wonder why people don’t talk to them.
If u have kept trying cut them off they clearly not interested
Why would you put yourself in such situation tho? conversation is a two-way street. If the person doesn’t talk back you’re the one carrying the whole convo, they aren’t interested and they are not worth the time.
Ask open ended questions that require more than yes or no answers. Build the conversation off of the answers. Maybe they are on the shy side and need to get comfortable around you.
Depends on what you want to be involved with them for. 99% of people you’re not gonna vibe with in any personal way, like for friendship or whatever. That’s fine, it’s ok to be mere acquaintances with most people you meet. Society, civilization runs on cooperation, not friendship. As a social creature, as long as you can interact with others enough to get mutual goals done you’re fine.
So think about what it is you want from the other person, what is it you’re trying to get from conversing with them. Focus on that instead of asking them questions about themselves so much.
I don’t force it if I’m sensing that the person isn’t engaged or interested in getting to know me. I’ll leave the ball in their court or I’ll distance myself from them entirely. If it’s not equal effort on both sides, I loose interest.
I just stop talking to them and move on to more interesting people who know how to hold a conversation.
You stop the conversation. Then you get up and leave.
At some point, after a few tries, I would gracefully bow out. They’re either not interested and they know exactly what they’re (not) doing or they are unskilled with verbal communication. Either way, it doesn’t sound like a budding fulfilling relationship so I would move on…”Nice getting to know you, I’m going to go mingle a bit now”.
relatable, i learned once that sometimes you have to do some of the work yourself so i just stop asking questions and begin to talk about myself too until something catches their attention, and then i go back to engaging normally or so
Make some kind of declarative statement. “Lizzie is overrated”. They can agree or disagree, either way you have something to talk about
You don’t have to
I used to feel compelled to carry conversations with such people. Now, as soon as I notice a lack of reciprocity with an individual, I enact a quid pro quo policy on question asking. I don’t care if there’s an uncomfortable silence. Hopefully they’ll pick up on the discomfort. But I’m not gonna be a vessel for the thoughts of someone who isn’t interested in me at all.
Sounds like 80% of my first dates 😂😫
Call them out on them being bad at conversation and see where it goes lol
‘You’re not very good at talking are you?’ in a playful-ish tone
Please understand that this self-centered dialogue is the norm, and has been for a very long time. The influential book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” was written in the 1930’s and still applies every bit today as it did then. And its whole premise is that people care most about themselves in conversation!
For me, it’s the constant reference to whatever has gone viral on social media, the news, etc. The amount of very small talk I’ve noticed in conversation is exhausting. A few sentences and then an excuse to dip out. The attention span is no longer there to just ‘be’ with people, let alone wanting to just have some chit-chat.
I used to be like this.
Somebody pointed it out that I need to ask questions back if I wanted a conversation and it clicked.
Maybe tell them and see how they react. They might not want to talk to you but they could just be awkward and need a little help.
Everyone here seems so black and white, if you don’t ask questions, cut them off! Bad person! But what if they’re socially anxious? What if they just struggle to think of things to say? Being so cut-throat in friendship seeking and only being friends with people who are exactly like you is going to shrink your world of choices to tiny proportions. Think of it as a challenge to learn how different people relate. There’s the type of people who ask questions and the type of people who feel questions are invasive, and relate better by telling a story and then waiting to see if you have a similar experience, expecting you to talk about your similar experiences. Those people can be neurodivergent, or have had trauma. Let people just be how they are without judgement. And just talk to them about issues you have, ask them if they struggle in social situations to find things to say, but say it like you do, and you want to know if they struggle similarly, then you’ll know if that’s why they’re quiet. Or just watch how they relate, and see if you can meld in with their style. Everyone is different, it’s one of the most beautiful things about the human race, we’re all beautiful deep rich universes, unto ourselves, getting to know how the world looks through someone else’s eyes, is a precious thing! You’ll never see the world how someone else does, their view is filtered through their life experiences, the minds that guided them and taught them, growing up, their own personal likes and dislikes, people all see things differently. Finding someone different to you, is a golden opportunity to see the world in a way you can never imagine yourself. People are all windows with a new and beautiful view. Expecting them to all be the same, and relate in the same way is just shutting down your expanses and opportunities.