Been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 years now. We don’t live together yet. She’s always been the type to respond to texts extremely quickly. I’m talking within the minute, sometimes even in 5 seconds or less. Apparently she got used to that because of her last wfh job that would write her up if she didn’t reply immediately, but she’s kept the habit and she likes to be available to people, since she’s usually bored and doesn’t mind the distraction. Generally I can always expect a near-instant reply unless she’s asleep, showering, or doing some focused activity (e.g. sports, gaming) but will still get back quickly since she still checks her phone frequently, like after every attempt at rock climbing or after she dies in Valorant waiting for the round to end/start.
Me, I keep my phone on silent or vibrate most of the time because I don’t like the sounds, especially while working. I do text her now and then when I have a free moment, and also like to text her while I’m watching Netflix or scrolling on social media in the evenings.
She doesn’t like this. She gets irritated if she goes 1hr+ without a reply unless there’s some context for it (e.g. she tends not to text me while I’m working) and a huge pet peeve of hers is when I text her, she replies instantly, and I don’t text back. Sometimes I do just like to take my phone and send her a message in the middle of the day while on break. I ask her how she’s doing, what she’s up to, then switch back to another app or lock my phone. She gets upset when I don’t see her reply until the next time I check my phone. In the evenings when I’m more free she gets annoyed that I take between 3-10 minutes to respond while we’re having a conversation (this happens while I’m watching Netflix and forget to reply to her reply) or if we’re having a conversation and I abruptly disappear for 30 minutes to do chores.
Once in a while she gets upset at this, and I can tell when she’s angry. Her texts are cold and she starts taking longer to respond. We’ve fought many, many times about this and it always ends with her promising to be more understanding when I can’t respond right away.
But a few weeks ago, she’s told me she’s tired of complaining about this over and over again, and she’s tired of feeling like she’s obliged to reply instantly because she’s afraid I’ll think she’s upset, or that she won’t have the “right” to feel upset about slow replies if she isn’t fast herself and so she said she would try putting me on silent (all her other notifications are on) . She said she wanted to try a solution for her end since there’s nothing that would change outside of her own behavior.
She still gets back to me within 20-30 minutes since she does check her phone pretty often still, but I miss being able to reach her easily. We used to talk a lot in the evenings and throughout the day if I had time, but she frequently misses my messages now and doesn’t wait for me to get back to her as often as she did. It upsets me too that she’s not as patient with me as anyone else. She gives other people the benefit of the doubt when they take long to get back to her, but with me she gets irritated quickly. Is there any compromise that can help this situation?
tl;dr: girlfriend is angry about my slow replies and it’s strained our relationship
11 comments
I really appreciate your honesty here.
Because it makes it so clear why what she did is completely reasonable.
Her solution sounds really sensible. And she’s still being more responsive than you are. If you want a real time back and forth conversation, then use a different means of communication like a phone call or facetime or something.
I am on broad with saying calmly and nicely what the problem is, and if the other person doesn’t respond to that, I’d just start doing the same to see whether he likes it on his own skin or not. I don’t think you did anything wrong tho, but if it’s bothering her and it doesn’t change it’s logical she’d grow apart or do that back to you at some point. Prolly try being more quick and text her more often if that means to her.
You know very well she is trying to communicate with you, yet you admit you will purposely switch over to another app to avoid seeing her texts, and you also admitted Netflix is more of a priority to you than communicating back to her, that tell us you don’t truly care for her ..only when you feel like it. Humans are static in the fact that we show and show up for what we care about without being asked. She shouldn’t have to ask you to be attentive and communicate back properly for her, and the fact she is repeatedly upset because you don’t care about communicating with her as much as she cares about communicating with you says she needs to find someone who truly cares about her. People that truly care about and want to be with each other don’t have to be asked to be properly attentive, they automatically are.
The things that stand out to me from reading this are:
– Girlfriend was “trained” to answer texts quickly under the threat of being written up at work. So, that sounds like an anxious habit more than her preference. In having to do this for the job, it being obligatory, she may have some kind of negative mental association to this habit which might make her resentful – even if you aren’t actually asking this of her.
– As someone else mentioned, you do admit that your own response time is much more casual and slow.
– After you guys fought about this difference in texting responses, she adjusted her own to better suit yours…
– You don’t like that.
Yes, there is a compromise to the situation; you two need to figure out what you want from each other, all previous habits aside.
If you really enjoyed her quick responses, can you do the same for her?
if you cannot, will you be able to accept her adjusting her behavior accordingly?
Obviously she will have to think about her fast-response habit and consider if it’s a habit that she needs to keep, but ultimately you two need to find a way that works for both of you.
So you don’t reply back quickly but you also don’t like that she is now giving you the same energy?
So… you don’t like how this feels and now you understand her past frustration when you were doing the exact same thing to her? And you’re willing to make more effort in communicating with your girlfriend? Right? Right!?!
I feel for your girlfriend. She’s been trying to tell you that YOU need to match her energy or at least do a little better. What do you do? Nothing!
So she’s beyond over it and her frustration is probably off the charts. She decides to respond how YOU respond. And now YOU don’t like it? How do you think she’s been feeling this whole time??
Most people in relationships either have times when they are immediately responding to each other or they don’t work out.
Sending random “I’m thinking of you” texts is one thing but if you are literally asking her how she’s doing and then immediately flipping to another app or walking away for hours that’s rude af.
As far as giving other people the benefit of the doubt – first off you’re way more important than most other people. Secondly it depends on what these people have going on. She knows you’re just in another app or away from your phone but if she has a friend with kids she would understand that their attention is likely divided.
Also – these others may respond to her way faster than you do.
Honestly I feel like this might be a dealbreaker for her if you don’t work on being better about responding.
I can completely understand how she feels. I go through the same thing with my wife on a daily basis. Now I understand that being a cook at an assisted living facility could be hectic, because I have worked in more than one, but the thing about it is, she only has 17 people that she cooks for on a daily basis. Dishes are ran in the dishwasher which takes 90 seconds per cycle and I have caught her scrolling through Facebook and other sites when she has said she has been working.
I am the type that if I receive a message from her, I respond back quickly. Her, on the other hand, has tried telling me she has not enough free time to mess with her phone. I have even brought that up to her and she tells me that every time. The thing about it is, she can receive messages from other people, e.g. co-workers, sister, etc and she responds immediately. My texts I can see that she has read them, but she does not reply back often, if at all on most days. I end up sending 4-5 texts about things and no response.
I agree with everyone else here saying that you both need to come up with a solution to the issue
You need to go back and reread everything you just wrote. Because the double standard here is honestly incredible.
So it’s NOT a problem when you are slow to reply but it IS a problem when she is slow to reply?
You need to pick a side. Either it’s not okay to be slow to reply and tell her you’ll be better and she can go back to the way it was. Or accept that it’s not a problem what she’s doing and move on.
It sucks to have a conversation and you, without warning, suddenly leave for 30 mins. Ive told this to my bf too, for me having a convo over text is like talking face to face; when someone says something to you in person, you dont wait 3-10 mins to reply, so the same should be said over text if youre having a conversation (an actual convo not sending memes and stuff). And suddenly leaving for 30 mins is of course even worse, why not tell her brb going to do chores, if youre mid talking? Would you just walk away from someone irl to do chores without saying bye?
As for the leaving after texting during the day, thatd annoy me too, because to me it comes across as you dont care to know my reply. Why ask me something and not wait 20seconds to see my reply? Why ask and only check the reply hours later? Thats weird.
Idk how your girlfriend put up with it for so long.